Silence is Serenity
by JMLHCPKSfan
Summary: Logan hasn't spoken to another soul in a year. When he gets admitted to a mental hospital, the only person who can get anything out of him is James Diamond- another inpatient with an eating disorder. Logan never planned on finding love in such a dark place, but how can he not fall for the one person who gets him?
1. Pilot

Everyone has problems- not one baby is born completely perfect. Some people have illnesses, some people have physical defects, and some people have problems with their heads.

Logan never considered himself to have mental problems. He never considered his shyness to be "anxiety problems". He thought that depression and suicidal thoughts were just part of being a teenager.

He definitely wasn't as screwed up as the people here in this therapy session. Not as screwy as the people walking the halls or in the bedrooms of this hospital, who laughed to themselves or pulled out their hair or tried to hurt people.

"Alright," Nina, the group therapist, said cheerfully to the group of seven, all sitting in folding chairs in a circle. Logan didn't want to do this. He didn't want to be here. Group therapy would mean… TALKING. And Logan didn't like talking. That's why he was here in this "looney bin". "Let's start by going around the room and telling our names and conditions. My name is Nina and I'm the therapist here, but I have a bit of a problem with eating chocolate. Carlos? Wanna go next?"

"Sure do, Nina!" the Latino to Nina's right said happily. Logan recognized him as his roommate. "Hi, guys, I'm Carlos Garcia. I'm bat shit crazy and I've been stuck here for a half a year now. And I have another personality and his name is Robin and he's totally dumb, but I guess he's part of me. I've had to be in a shitload of these sessions and one-on-one therapy and I'm on meds, but I guess I'm too far gone to be helped too much."

The group looked expectantly to the guy beside him, who said his name and condition, then the next girl, then the next boy- a tall brunette who sat back in his seat casually. Logan noted that he was all muscles, very handsome but with darkness beneath his eyes and hollow cheeks.

"I'm James. I'm anorexic, sometimes bulimic, and I work out."

The girl beside him went, then Logan beside her turned bright red when all eyes turned to him. His lips were pressed tight, eyes wide as they darted around. No. He couldn't talk.

"How about you?" Nina asked.

Logan shrunk in his seat and shook his head.

"I guess he's shy," Nina laughed, looking at her clipboard. "But I can certainly tell his name. Mr. Logan Mitchell."

Logan turned bright red again, wanting to run away and hide. Luckily the attention turned to the guy between he and Nina.

"I'm Kendall. I've been here about fifty billion times cause my ma and my sister are scared of me. I almost went to jail once for beating my girlfriend, so I guess that's why."

"And tell everyone your diagnosis, Kendall," Nina egged.

"I'm bipolar. Real bad. But mostly I'm just pissed the hell off and paranoid that everyone's out to get me. So it's pretty cheerful in my life," Kendall said sarcastically.

Suddenly Logan wanted to get up and run- get away from the psychopath beside him. While Logan had been mute for a year now, this guy seemed outspoken and aggressive.

"Now. Does anyone have anything they'd like to talk about today?" Nina asked.

YES! Logan thought. How about the fact that I haven't said a word to anyone for a year and I'm just now being admitted to this place? How about that there isn't anything wrong with me other than my unused vocal chords, the sad thoughts in my head, and the scars from the times I tried suicide? How about that I hate it here and would rather go home and read? But no- I'm not allowed books here. I could cut himself with paper, the doctors thought, don't give me books.

"Yeah," Kendall said. "I'd like to talk about the lunch ladies drugging my food, please!"

"Kendall, nobody drugs your food," Nina said boredly, having obviously talked this over with Kendall before.

"I won't take those God-damn pills and that's why they do it! I'm a twenty-year-old man, I have the right to keep myself off of those zombifying pills! So why do they keep trying to make me take them? Huh?"

"Anyone else?" Nina asked the group.

"Nina, you fucking bitch. You never listen to what I have to say. This is group THERAPY. Just cause you're too scared to handle me alone doesn't mean that you shouldn't listen," Kendall snapped.

"Do you need to be removed?"

"Fine! REMOVE ME! But I'm taking shy-guy Logan here with me!"

Logan's eyes widened and he shrunk in his seat, face heating up, tears about to spring from his eyes. He couldn't handle all these people looking at him. He couldn't handle this guy saying his name!

"Lay off, asshole," James snapped. "Can't you see he's scared as hell?"

"This is none of your business, pretty boy!"

"Boys, boys," Nina tried.

"Wanna go?" Kendall challenged James, standing up strong.

"Kendall, sit DOWN!"

James set his jaw and shook his head, flipping Kendall the finger. Kendall sat down angrily and crossed his arms.

"James, let's talk about you standing up for Logan," Nina said thoughtfully. Logan's eyes caught James' for a split second before he turned red and covered his face with his hands.

"He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend," James said, staring absently at Logan.

"Faggot," Kendall sneered.

"Patty's little and cute like Logan is," James went on, ignoring the comment. "I didn't want Logan to explode from the embarrassment. He seems shy- I'd say that's why he's here."

"Logan? IS that why you're here?"

All eyes turned to Logan and he popped up, turning to leave and tripping over his chair, making it clatter to the floor. His hand clapped over his mouth and he ran to the door to leave.

* * *

Logan was starved. He had been in the hospital for two days- two of countless to come- and still hadn't eaten anything. How could he? He didn't know where the cafeteria was, and how could he ever ask?

A nurse entered and he was taken to the phyciatrist's office.

"Logan, you're going to have to talk to me," Dr. Call said, her legs crossed and her clipboard on her lap. Logan's eyes raised to her, his mouth shut. "Do you talk when you're alone?"

Logan shrugged and nodded a little. Sometimes when he was home alone he liked to sing. Sometimes he would stand at the window and talk to birds. But he hadn't talked to another human for so long…

She nodded appreciatively and looked him over. He never seemed to look her in the eyes for more than a second. He normally looked at her necklace instead. She wondered what could have caused this.

"I heard you left therapy this morning," she said. Logan nodded. "Why?"

Because everyone was LOOKING at me. People were saying my name.

Logan shrugged and dropped his eyes.

"Your anxiety is out of control, Mr. Mitchell."

Logan stared at his hands, knowing she was right. He couldn't look people in the eye. He couldn't talk to them. He couldn't touch them. He couldn't even handle his name being said.

"I need your permission to give you medications," she said softly. Logan looked up, caught her eyes for a second, and dropped his own eyes to her necklace. The charm was a little K. Maybe her name started with K.

He tried to imagine a world where he could hug his own mother. Where he could fall in love. Where he could smile and show the world his dimples. Where he would talk to people and laugh and have friends. He would love that… But he loved his quietness more. In a world where he didn't talk, he could watch people. As long as they didn't see him, he loved to observe people's movements and watch their mouths move when they talk.

He signed a paper and was allowed to leave.

He went into his room to find Carlos there, humming to himself.

"Hey, bro!" he smiled to Logan when he entered, Logan blushing and bowing his head. "How come you left therapy?"

Logan sunk down to sit on the opposite side of the bed, invisible to Carlos. The Latino shrugged and went on with his business.

"I'm not eating this SHIT!" came a yell and Carlos jumped up to go to the door, peeking out. James was in the next room, throwing pudding and sandwiches and cookies out and splatting them against the wall. "IT'LL MAKE ME FAT!"

"HEY! Shut the fuck up!" Kendall called from down the hall. This caused a riot of yelling through the hall that sent Logan crawling to the door to look out, head about level with Carlos' knees.

Outside, nurses we trying to calm everyone down.

"EVERYONE CLOSE YOUR DOORS AND STAY IN!" one called and Logan and Carlos had to get back into the room. There were some patients that couldn't handle conflict and got out of control.

An hour later, there was still yelling going on, and nurses had to bring dinner to the patients. Logan was thankful for this and sat against his bed, out of Carlos' sight, and ate.

He was surprised when Carlos came and sat beside him with his food.

"You don't talk, do you?" he asked. Logan shook his head, curling up and scooting away from the boy's arm touching his. "Hm. Well I'm Carlos. You know that from therapy."

Logan suddenly felt like he might throw up. He hadn't had private time with anyone in forever and he hated the closeness. He could feel that this guy was friendly and would touch him sooner or later, and he hated that.

"I just wanna let you know that if my alter-ego comes out, his name is Robin. He's really serious- like, he likes to organize things and wants everything perfect. He won't hurt you or anything. He might not even talk to you. But if you pick a fight, he'll damn sure fight back. But I wanted to tell you that he comes out when I'm feeling stressed out. I mean, I have ways of managing my stress now, so he hasn't been released in a long time, but if he does, it's totally fine. Kay?"

Logan nodded a little, taking a nibble of his sandwich.

"Cool. Are you on meds?"

Logan shook his head.

"WILL you be on meds?"

Logan nodded.

"So then will you talk?"

Logan shrugged, never even looking at Carlos.

* * *

"Okay, I've assigned a partner to everyone," Nina said as they all settled into their therapy chairs the next morning.

Partners. Great.

Everyone was paired with someone, one with Nina. Finally the last two pairs were up next and Carlos smiled at Logan from across Nina, hoping they would be paired up.

"James and Logan. Kendall and Carlos."

Logan stayed in his seat as everyone got up to reluctantly go to their partner. He didn't even look up. He just stayed there, clutching his pen and pad nervously. They had given him that to communicate with, but he hadn't written anything on it, nor did he plan to.

Even if he remembered who James was, he wouldn't get up.

Someone plopped into the chair beside him and rested an elbow casually on the back of his chair, making Logan tense up.

"Relax, honey, I won't bite," came a voice and Logan's eyes flicked up to the tall brunette, then back to the floor. James smirked and turned his attention to Nina as she started talking.

"We're supposed to share our life stories," James said, nudging Logan with his forearm, making Logan jump and heat up with anxiety.

He heard the room fill with scrapes and metallic bangs as everyone moved their chairs, including James. Logan almost died when James turned Logan's chair- boy and all- to face him.

James sat there, elbows on his knees, which were spread wide, looking up at Logan.

"Name's James Diamond. Born and raised here in Minneapolis, always played hockey and never did good in school. Always been the pretty boy and known it. I haven't really eaten since I was 16, and I'm 19 now. I stopped because I hit this growth spurt that made me gain some weight, and like, that's not cute. I'll eat some cake here and there or some salad to make my ma happy, but I always stick my finger down my throat after. I uh- I like to work out. It's kinda my thing. What about you?"

Logan just stared at James' Adam's apple. He has to have SOMETHING to look at while the person is talking to show that he's listening, and since James didn't have a necklace, he watched his Adam's apple dance in his throat. But when James moved to replace that with his eyes, making Logan look at him, Logan heated up and squeezed his eyes closed.

James sighed. He hated- HATED- feeling like someone disliked him.

"I like your shirt," James offered, observing Logan's Aerosmith shirt. "You like Aerosmith?"

Logan gulped and opened his eyes, staring at James' knee and nodding a little.

"Badass. Who else do you like?"

Silence.

"Metallica?"

Logan shrugged and nodded a little.

"Pink Floyd?"

Logan nodded.

"Got good taste in music- I like you."

Logan's breath caught and blush heated up his face as he ducked.

"Were you born in Minnesota?"

It took a while, but Logan nodded.

"Cool, cool. Did you play hockey?" Logan nodded. "Badass! Dude, we're like the same person."

James didn't ask any more questions for a while, letting Logan calm down. Instead he inspected him. Logan was cute- even adorable- with his dark hair and timid eyes and fingers peeled painfully on the sides from his anxiety.

"What's this paper for?" James asked, taking the pad of paper from Logan, then the pen. "Oh, I guess it's cause you don't talk, eh?"

Logan bit at his lip nervously.

"Will you write me a note?"

Logan's eyes flashed up, locked with James' for a split second, then dropped. The paper and pen were put in his shaking hands. He didn't want to, but he felt like he should or James would keep bothering him.

He slowly drew four lines across the paper, then a solid dot between the bottom two, giving it back at James.

James burst into adorable laughter, almost falling out of his seat.

"I guess you did write me a note, right?" he laughed. Logan considered up and leaving then, but James' stern hand clapped down on his knee and squeezed gently, flirtatiously, keeping him there. "Who knew you were funny AND cute?"

Logan was close to a full on anxiety attack.

"Okay, okay, I'll let off before you die," James laughed.

Soon the circle was formed again and they all had to share what they learned. Logan had no clue how he would get out of this one.

Kendall went first.

"I learned that Carlos wasn't kidding about the bat-shit crazy thing. I pissed him off so bad his 'alter-ego' came out and slapped me," Kendall said smartly.

"He kept calling Carlos Mexican," Carlos, or "Robin" huffed. "We aren't MEXICAN. We're Spanish and Venezuelan!"

"Whatever!" Kendall snapped.

"Robin? What did you learn about Kendall?"

"I don't know, because I wasn't there for the autobiography. But I assume that he was dropped as a child and that's why he's such an asshole."

James giggled from beside Logan, catching Nina's attention.

"James, there's nothing funny about people's conditions."

"No, I was just laughing because, like, this is ridiculous. Who pissed Carlos off so bad that he turns into another person? He's my best friend and I've never seen that. He's such a nice guy, like- what?"

"How about you? What did you learn about Logan?" Nina challenged, knowing James probably got nothing out of Logan.

"I learned that Logan doesn't talk, and that he's afraid of people. It sounds mean, but he really is. Almost jumped out of his skin when I sat beside him," James said casually. "But I learned that we like the same music and he was born in Minnesota and that he played hockey. I asked him to write me a note on his nifty pad thing and he gave me this," James showed the "note" and some giggled. "So I found out that he's actually kinda funny."

"Logan? What did you learn?" Nina asked Logan. Logan froze, eyes darting around the room.

"He learned," James said, clapping a hand on Logan's shoulder. "About my condition and my high school life and stuff. And that I'm a super nice guy."

"James," Nina sighed. "I asked HIM."

"He won't talk to you, Nina, I promise! I just wanted to rescue him before he blows up."

Logan desperately wanted that hand off of his back. But yet… It was so warm… And James HAD rescued him.

That didn't stop Logan from darting out of the room after the session before James could kiss his cheek or something.

* * *

**I know that a lot of you guys have been in a mental hospital before, I, however, have not. I'm sorry if I get this stuff wrong, but if someone who HAS been in a mental hospital before wants to volunteer to be my PM buddy so I can ask questions, just lemme know. **

**I hope you all loved this first chapter!**


	2. Can't Take It

Logan sat in his usual chair in the therapy circle, a little early. He sat and stared at the floor. He was tired of this place. It made him want to kill himself more than he already did.

Someone plopped into the seat beside him, the person facing him.

"Hey, Logan," James said cheerfully. Logan's eyes glanced at the hand that was on the person's knee- the person was James. Logan knew because he noticed that James kept his fingernails short and he had very thin hair on the backs of his hands and knuckles.

Logan broke out in a blush, hating that James was going out of his way to say hello.

James took Logan's pad and paper, writing a big "HEY!" on it, with a smiley face before giving it back. When Logan made no move to reply, James took it and wrote "You look nice today."

Logan turned bright red and popped up to relocate. Of course James followed.

Logan once again went to another seat. When James sat right beside him, Logan looked up, opened his mouth to say "LEAVE ME ALONE!", but then realized what he was doing. Looking James square in the eyes, about to TALK to him.

"What? Say it," James said excitedly.

Logan's mouth snapped closed and he crossed his arms to turn away. This guy wouldn't let it go! Logan didn't need his charity. In fact, he feared it. He feared James' kind hazel eyes, James' written smiley faces with its tongue hanging out, feared James' voice saying his name, feared James' touch, feared the way James made his heart speed up with his presence.

"You were about to tell me to fuck off, weren't you?" James egged.

Silence.

"Can you at least write me a simple 'hey'? I'll leave you alone," James pleaded. Logan sighed to himself. This guy wouldn't give up. He looked down, smirked a little to himself, and ripped out James' own "HEY!" and smiley face, turning to quickly put it on James' knee and relocate again.

He heard James chuckle from across the circle.

"You're a smartass, aren't you?"

He kept his eyes down. For the first time in a year, he wanted to laugh.

* * *

"Well MY day was shit," Kendall spat, sitting back in his chair with his ankle resting on his knee, across from Logan who was scared shitless. They were supposed to tell their partner about their days so far. "Started out with my fucking roommate screaming his ass off and trying to tell me to 'GET UP! THE ROOM'S ON FIRE!' It wasn't. Then after THAT was handled, I got up and went to get some grub, only to find that there weren't any damn muffins. Like, I've eaten those muffins every day for two weeks and suddenly they're not there. They're testing me. Seeing what I'll do. I gave em results alright- threw a fit. They tranquillized me and I woke up in a straight jacket. Almost didn't let me come to therapy, but I guess they wanted me to be paired up with you SO BAD that they let me."

Kendall stared at Logan, waiting for him to talk. He didn't. He kept his dark eyes on a yarn bracelet on Kendall's wrist.

"I don't even know what your teeth look like," Kendall said. "Are they fucked up? Is that why you don't talk? Or I bet your balls never dropped so you have a girl voice. Is that it?"

Logan didn't even move.

"Huh?" Kendall asked, putting his feet on the ground and leaning forward. Logan averted his eyes, accidentally catching James staring at him and going red. "ANSWER ME!"

Logan jumped and scooted his chair back a little.

"If you FUCKING answer me I won't yell! Asshole!"

Logan tried to stop his lip from quivering as he shook his head furiously. How did Nina not hear Kendall yell? Why was she not saving him?

"Don't CRY you pussy."

Logan felt his heart beating fast, tears threatening escape.

Kendall rolled his eyes and sat back.

"I didn't kill Ruby, if you think that. She was my girlfriend. Caught her cheating. I mean, can you blame me for getting pissed off for that? I walked in on her getting plowed. Do you BLAME me?"

Logan squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head softly. He DID blame Kendall for getting so mad as to almost killing his girlfriend, but what if he HAD nodded? Kendall would strangle him.

"But I never touched Mom or Katie. NEVER. And they put me in here. It was this or prison, so I guess this is better. Who put you here?"

Logan was silent.

"Fuck you. You have some paper and a damn pen- just fucking write it if you won't talk."

Logan gripped the pen hard, not moving.

"WRITE!"

Logan jumped and scribbled down "mom".

"See? Moms are assholes. They give birth to you, then they fucking abandon you. My dad was an asshole, too. Just like me. Got put in prison when I was ten. Guess that's why I'm so fucked up."

Logan was silent. Kendall was silent, having no idea how much he and Logan had in common.

"Are you a faggot or something?" Kendall asked, leaning forward. "Is James your little BOY TOY? I bet he fucks you real hard in the ass. Did he shove his cock in your mouth too hard? Is that why you can't talk?"

Logan turned bright red, half pissed off, half anxious.

"Are. You. A. Faggot?"

Logan was silent. He could never tell Kendall he was gay, even if he knew he was, which he didn't have the slightest idea. Kendall didn't like homosexuals- that was clear. He didn't like anyone, but especially not "faggots".

"You LOOK like a faggot. I bet you like it hard up the ass, don't you?"

Kendall sneered and sat back.

"I beat a faggot like you once," he said simply. "In high school. Put him in the hospital. Then I had to come here." Kendall leaned in close. "If we weren't here, I'd beat the shit outta you."

Tears sprang from Logan's eyes and his lip quivered uncontrollably.

"I'LL FUCKING BEAT THE GAY OUTTA YOU!" Kendall was suddenly yelling, making Logan pop out of his seat, ready to run.

Suddenly he was pushed backwards and there was a brick wall in front of him.

"Are you beating fags now? Try ME, asshole."

Logan looked up to see James there standing protectively in front of him, nose-to-nose with Kendall.

"I'll take you," Kendall growled.

"Boys!" Nina said frantically, but Carlos kept her away.

"Will you? I'd like to see you try."

Kendall tried for a punch to the jaw, but James caught his fist and squeezed. Kendall's face changed and Logan could tell he was in pain, feeling the bones in his hand ready to crack.

"Leave em alone, shithead, or I'll kill you," James growled, shoving Kendall away. Then he turned to Logan, suddenly gentle and concerned.

"Are you okay?"

Logan realized he had been staring into James' eyes for about three seconds now and dropped his. James' hands reached up to rub Logan's biceps and suddenly Logan was gone, the door flinging closed behind him.

* * *

Logan was taken to the therapist's office when it was time. He was sat on a chair and told to wait.

Soon the therapist came in- Dr. Call- followed by his mother. He wanted to spring up and hug her, kiss her, beg her to take him home.

She sat beside him and Logan jumped but did not cower away when she patted his shoulder and said "Hi, sweetie. I miss you."

"Logan, I brought your mom here to help me figure you out."

Logan nodded a little, comforted by his mother's presence.

"Mrs. Mitchell, can you tell me about Logan's condition's evolution?"

Mrs. Mitchell looked over at her son and nodded.

"I think it started when his father left," she said softly.

Suddenly a rush of memories flooded Logan. His father beating him at only 14 and even younger. His father beating his mother. His father doing drugs.

"John… He was a bad man. Not loving at all. I think a lot of Logan's anxiety stems from him- having to worry about John coming home and hurting me or him. He felt he had to be my protector, and I think that gets hard on a young teenager, you know? That's when he started to get quiet- about 14- but he still talked. Just not around John. Anytime he DID talk, John would get angry. He… He did a lot of drugs, by the way."

"It isn't uncommon for anxiety problems to stem from a traumatic childhood experience," Dr. Call nodded, writing.

"Once he got fed up. He yelled at John," Mrs. Mitchell said softly, looking over at Logan, who was crying now. "He… He ended up in the hospital that night in critical condition. He almost didn't make it. John went to jail. But Logan never went back to normal. He only got worse. Then a year ago, he went completely silent. I haven't heard his voice since. He doesn't let me touch him. He gets nervous when I talk to him."

"And how did he get here?"

More bad memories forced tears from Logan's eyes. He wanted to lay his head on his mother's shoulder and let her pet his hair and wipe his cheeks and kiss his forehead and let him listen to her heartbeat. He desperately needed comfort. Desperately needed to stop feeling so alone.

"I had found cuts on his legs before, and I yelled at him for them. He cried. He didn't come out of his room for three days, didn't eat, didn't drink, just stayed in there. But do you blame me?"

Like he had with Kendall, Logan thought "Yes. I do blame you." Because like with Kendall, there was no excuse for what she did. She yelled at him for almost an hour about how she would be destroyed if he died and how he needs to TALK or she would put him in the hospital. She should have hugged him and cried and begged him to stop cutting, because what would she do if he died? She should have helped him instead of yelling. It was a mistake, but Logan had forgiven her.

"Why didn't you bring him here earlier?"

"I thought I scared it out of him… But then a few months later I found more. I yelled at him again. But then, just a week ago, I caught him with some of my heart pills, trying to take them. Trying to kill himself." Now Mrs. Mitchell was crying.

Little did she know, that wasn't the first time Logan had tried to kill himself. He had attempted to wreck his car once, so it would look like an accident instead of suicide. It didn't work- he felt bad because the car was his mother's. He had tried to hang himself once. The rope broke. He had tried to drown himself in the bathtub. Instinct forced him to the surface. The pills were his last resort- he imagined it would be painless and peaceful, which isn't what he wanted.

"Had you tried suicide before, Logan?" Dr. Call asked Logan. He nodded a little.

At the end of the session, Dr. Call said that Logan's medications would arrive in a few days.

* * *

Logan almost died when he returned to his room to find James and Carlos in there, James on his bed as they laughed about something.

"Hey, buddy!" Carlos smiled, waving at Logan. James turned and gave a dazzling smile, getting up to give Logan his bed. Logan simply sat in his usual spot beside the bed, invisible to the others. Carlos and James' conversation went on without him.

The whole time they were talking, James tried to ignore the sniffling coming from behind the bed. He knew Logan was crying back there and didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but he wanted to comfort him.

"I'm gonna go get some dinner," Carlos said, getting up. "Want some?"

James laughed and shook his head, being left alone with Logan.

He considered just leaving, but he NEEDED to make sure Logan was okay. He laid across the bed with his stomach on it, looking down at his sort-of friend.

"You okay, buddy?" he asked softly. Logan jumped, eyes going wide but not daring look up.

James got down and sat beside Logan, his back to the wall to face Logan.

"Did you just come from one-on-one therapy?" he asked. Logan brought his knees to his chest, nodding a little bit. "Yeah… Those make me cry, too. Dr. Andry makes me draw pictures of me as a fatass… I hate that. And she makes me eat stuff like pretzels and fruit and shit, then I'm on surveillance for a few hours to make sure I don't puke it up. Sometimes she makes me talk about my mom and how she always wanted me perfect. She says that my condition comes from that, but I think it just comes from not wanting to be fat. They make me drink these protein shakes everyday so that I don't like starve or something, but I like to be hungry. I've put on a fucking pound since last week when I got here. Do you have Andry?"

Logan shook his head.

"Cook?"

Logan shook his head.

"Call?"

Logan nodded.

"I hear she's pretty cool, but I've never had her. But the point is, therapists' jobs are to make you cry, you know? Like they LIKE it or something. But know what I always do afterward to make me feel better?"

Logan glanced up, then back down.

"I work out. It's an awesome stress reliever- wanna come swim with me or something? We don't have to do laps- we can get a ball or something."

Logan wanted to smile a little at the effort James was going through to cheer Logan up. But he shook his head instead. Yes, he would LOVE to see this god of a man shitless and wet. He would LOVE to swim and have fun. But how could he ever work up the courage to let James see him shirtless? Let James see his smile?

"And about group… Don't let Kendall get to you. He's an asshole, but I feel like he lies about a lot of things. He probably lied about beating his girlfriend, you know. And like, look. I don't want you to get uncomfortable here, but I wanted to let you know that I'm gay. And so when he started yelling at you that he'd beat the gay outta you… I couldn't stand that. And whether you are or you're not, you shouldn't be scared to admit it. I've got your back, man."

Logan nodded a little bit and looked up to lock eyes with James for just about two seconds before looking down.

"You've got pretty eyes, you know. If you just let people see now and then. They look black, but if you actually look me in the eye I can tell they're not. They're kinda red, actually."

Logan blushed and buried his face in his knees, not to hide his blush, but to hide his smile.

"I dated a guy named Patrick just about two years ago. We broke up half a year ago and it destroyed me. He was little and cute like you. He was innocent, but he was an animal in the bedroom. He loved being held, though, and kissed. I proposed to him and he said yes. Then he found out about my condition and dumped me because I wouldn't try to get better."

Logan wondered how someone could date another person for so long and love them and never find out about an eating disorder.

"I'm over it now. You reminded me of him at first, but you're way different- I see that now."

Logan was silent and James watched him, wanting to just hug him and wipe his tear-stricken cheeks and his snotty nose.

"Are you hungry? I'll take you to the cafeteria. I know you don't know where it is."

Logan wondered how the hell he could know that, but shook his head.

"Okay… Sure you don't wanna come work out with me? It'll make you feel better."

Logan shook his head a tiny bit and James smiled and nodded, getting up to leave.

* * *

**Thank you all for your support and I hope you continue. :D I loooove reviews, like everyone else. Good reviews inspire me to write more and they make me happy and stuff. I hope you guys like this story, cause I do. :D It'll get happier, I swear.**


	3. Too Much- Entirely Too Much

**Gosh, guys, I frucking love the support for this story. :D I'm so glad you like it, and I think some of you can relate a little. I know I can. I used to have crazy anxiety problems and was depressed for a time, for no reason at all. And I know my homie Theweirdblond can relate to Carlos' multiple personalities. ;) Anyway, thank you all and I love you. I hope it's not too soon in the relationship to say that, but it's how I feel. You don't have to say it back. ;D**

* * *

Logan quietly followed Carlos to the cafeteria the next morning, the pad and paper in his hand, the last note on it saying "Can you show me where the cafeteria is?" It had taken a lot of courage to write to Carlos, but he was starved.

"You should have told me earlier that you didn't know where the cafeteria was," Carlos said, looking back at his roommate. "I can't imagine how hungry you are."

They arrived at a little cafeteria with a buffet of foods, lots of people inside. Logan hated a crowd.

"You can sit with James and me," Carlos said, leading him to the buffet, where he filled a plate with eggs and sausage and bacon and biscuits, then got apple juice before they sat. He would have preferred to eat in his room, but James was at the table and, well, maybe he liked James' company.

"Hey, Logan. Haven't seen you here before," James greeted, his bottled protein shake in front of him. Logan kept his eyes down as he sat across from him, Carlos beside Logan.

"He didn't know where the cafeteria was," Carlos informed him.

"I know. Shit, man, bet you were hungry," James smiled, but Logan didn't see. He just started shoveling food into his mouth, hungrily chewing and swallowing.

"Damn. He really was," Carlos laughed.

James took Logan's pad and pen and started doodling Logan.

"They changed my meds again, did I tell you?" Carlos said to James, who shook his head. "Yeah- this new shit gives me weird dreams. Last night I dreampt-"

He went into a long conversation about his weird dream as Logan ate. He was blown away at the sketch on his pad- it was realistic and quite beautiful, Logan's eyes up and bright, a fork in his mouth.

Finally James finished and slid the pad over to Logan.

"You're a lot prettier than that, I swear."

Logan blushed a little and let his plastic fork rest on his empty plate.

"You blush a whole lot, you know," Carlos noted.

"Shut up! It's cute," James laughed, only making Logan blush more. James laughed a little and rested his chin on his hand, watching Logan. Watching him stare at his empty plate, all blushed and adorable. He watched Logan's eyes timidly raise to James, realize that James was staring at him, and drop again, bowing his head and hiding the deep red he turned.

* * *

During group therapy, Logan found himself sketching on his pad as people talked about whatever they needed to talk about. Sketching an eye. A beautiful eye that he imagined to be hazel.

"Logan? What do you think?" Nina asked breaking through the beautiful and lovely flute music going on in Logan's head. Everyone stared at him and his eyes dropped.

"What do you think of self-harm?"

Suddenly Logan really wanted to speak up. He looked up and opened his mouth, feeling everyone lean in to hear what he had to say. He wanted to say "Well sometimes self-harm feels fucking amazing. Sometimes you need it. Sometimes hurting yourself is completely necessary to keep you from doing something bigger." Instead, his mouth snapped closed and he sunk in his chair.

"What are you drawing?" Nina pressed.

Logan slammed the pad face-down on his leg.

"Logan, we don't know anything about you. How about you share?"

Logan's heart hammered in his chest, feeling all eyes on him.

"His teeth are fucked up. That's why he doesn't talk," Kendall said casually.

"No they aren't. James and me saw them this morning and they're pretty and white and straight," Carlos said simply.

"Yeah? You saw them while he was blowing you?"

Logan's face heated up and he sprung out of his seat and stormed to the door. He heard a chair topple over and clang on the floor behind him, then running steps and suddenly James was there, holding the door shut.

"You need to stop running," James said quietly, Logan's tearful eyes on his chest. James saw the drawing on the pad and thought nothing of it- just an eye.

Logan sniffled and tried the door again, this time James opened it and pulled him out, stopping just outside.

"You just need to pop Kendall in the nose. Or I will, if you want," James offered.

Logan swiped at his tears, backing from James' touch. He couldn't help but think that if this were anyone else, Logan would have passed out of anxiety by now. But since it was James, he wasn't so nervous.

"The point is, if you keep running from him, he'll keep hurting you. You have to stand up to him. I know you're scared, Logan, but you're my friend and I hate to see you upset."

After a while, James sighed.

"Can I hug you?"

Suddenly Logan was jolted alive and was hurrying away.

* * *

"Hey, Logan. Carlos," James said happily, entering his bedroom. "Get up, guys, we're gonna go play basketball."

Carlos jumped up and dropped his pants, sending Logan's eyes wide and away, before putting on gym shorts.

"You, too, Logan. C'mon."

Logan shook his head vigorously. James sat on the bed, sending Logan's knees to his chest, trying to avoid any electric shock resulting from James' touch.

"Sometimes I take off my shirt," James sang. Logan blushed deeply, guilty for the image that crossed his mind. He wanted to go and play. He wanted to sweat and laugh and have his heart pumping. But he couldn't. Never.

"Okay. Well the gym's down the hall, to the right and at the end of that hall if you change your mind."

* * *

It had only been about ten minutes before Logan got up from his bed.

He was lonely as all hell and while he didn't plan on playing, James and Carlos made him feel less alone. Maybe he could just watch. It would get his mind off of the nasty and sinister thoughts in his mind. The thoughts of what he wanted to do to himself if he were alone. The cuts on his thighs were mostly healed, but scarred.

He found James and Carlos in the gym alone playing basketball, both already looking sweaty.

The ball bounced out of bounds just in time for Logan to catch it.

"Logan!" Carlos said happily, going to Logan to get the ball.

"Those don't look like basketball playing clothes," James called from across the gym. Logan gave the ball to Carlos and went to the corner to sit.

"You're not gonna play?" Carlos pouted. Logan shook his head, his knees to his chest.

The game resumed and Logan was able to watch James without fear of being caught, since he was SUPPOSED to be watching.

It wasn't long before James' shirt came off.

He didn't look anorexic at all. He just looked very muscular. His muscles rippled as he moved, his tan chest heaved with every breath, sweat dripped down his abs. Logan was almost drooling.

The game, however, was interrupted by Carlos screaming, catching Logan's attention.

Carlos threw the ball, looking repulsed, and James caught it.

"Why's it wet?" he asked in a panic. James looked confused, turning the ball around in his hands.

"It's not wet, bro," he said.

"OH GOD!" Carlos yelled, staring at his hands and vigorously wiping them on his shorts. "It's on my hands! It won't come off!"

James dropped the ball, going to his friend.

"What's on your hands?"

"BLOOD!"

Logan slowly got up, watching as Carlos spazzed out and James grabbed his wrists.

"LOOK, man! There's no blood!" James retorted, Carlos' dark eyes darted to his hands, screaming like he was being stabbed.

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he tried to tear free from James, who pulled him to him.

"You're gonna hurt yourself!" James yelled over Carlos' screams. Logan stared, terrified. He never knew that Carlos really was "bat-shit crazy".

"THE BEES!"

"What bees?"

"THEY'RE GONNA STING US!"

James wrestled Carlos to the ground, keeping his hands away as he tried to claw at his face.

Carlos writhed and screamed, crying, fighting.

James looked up at Logan.

"It's okay. It's fine. Robin'll come out here in a sec."

Sure enough, Carlos went limp, his eyes going blank on the ceiling. After a second, he blinked.

"Robin?" James asked.

"You're heavy as shit."

James laughed and got up, helping Robin to his feet.

"So what happened?" Robin asked, looking around.

"Something about blood on his hands and bees about to sting us. I got him to the floor- he was trying to scratch at his face. Scared the shit outta Logan."

Robin's eyes turned to Logan, completely different from Carlos'. Robin's eyes were the same technically, but more mature.

"How's it going?" he greeted. Logan blushed and looked away.

"He doesn't talk," James said.

"Anyway, Carlos is on medications for his schizophrenia- nothing has happened for a long time. I suppose he was overdue for an episode," Robin shrugged. "They just changed his meds."

* * *

Logan sat on the opposite side of his bed clad in gym shorts and a t-shirt. He wanted to sleep- it was late- but he couldn't. His fingers itched for a blade, a needle, a piece of paper. He wanted to cut himself. Cutting let all the pent up nerves in his core out, and he was able to relax.

He needed a hug.

He needed to listen to a heart.

He needed someone to pet his hair and whisper to him.

He could get these things easily- Carlos was asleep in his bed, but he would comfort Logan if he asked.

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he pulled his shorts up, showing healing cuts through the dim light.

"Hey, bro," came a whisper and Logan jumped and covered his cuts up again. James entered and sat against the bed beside Logan. "I know it's late, but I couldn't sleep. I guess you couldn't either, eh?"

Logan hugged his knees, his cheek on them so he was facing away from James, tears invisible.

"Why do you hide from Carlos? He won't bother you if you don't want."

Logan didn't answer. If he wasn't so afraid, he would turn and let James see his tears. He would let James wipe them away and hug him. In a perfect world, he guessed.

He was getting his meds the next day.

Maybe then he would be free to do what he wanted.

James' eyes wondered to Logan's bare legs, which he had never seen before. Logan always wore long pants. His legs had dark hair on them and James secretively looked all over the one beside him, noticing that his gym shorts had slid down. Logan wasn't allowed underwear since he was on suicide watch and the elastic could be used for self-harm, and James felt guilty for looking at his bare thigh.

But then he saw something familiar.

He reached over to run his finger over the scars and cuts on Logan's leg, making Logan jump and back against the nearby wall behind the bed like a caged animal.

James was speechless. Why did he expect Logan to not cut? He HAD tried suicide. He knew because he was in the room with Carlos, and Carlos was under suicide watch, too.

Logan curled into a ball, shaking.

He wanted to tell James to leave. He shouldn't have seen the cuts. What would he think?

"You know… I used to cut, too," James said softly. "See?"

Logan looked up briefly to see James' waistband pealed down to show tiny cuts on his hip.

"But… Someone as beautiful as you should never hurt themselves."

Logan's heart boomed in his chest, a new feeling in there that he had never felt along with his blush. What was James talking about? James was a GOD. And he thought Logan was beautiful?

"I'm not pretty, Logan. I know you think that, but I'm rotten on the inside."

Logan looked up to see James had pulled his pants up again.

"I've never tried suicide before. I'm too much of a pussy for that. But I've been depressed for years. I hate myself, Logan. I guess that's what happens when you can never be perfect in your own eyes. You hate yourself," James said softly. "I look good on the outside, but I'm just a shell, I think. There's nothing inside."

Logan looked up and for the first time held James' eyes.

_But you have the biggest heart I've ever seen. You're so perfect. You're a god. You're beautiful on the inside and outside… Why can't you see that?_

"What? Say it."

Logan's lids fluttered and his eyes dropped.

"Do you believe that you're beautiful, Logan?"

Logan stared at the floor and shook his head slowly.

"Well you are."

Logan was silent, for once not blushing.

"You know, I've told you more than I ever told the therapists. Cause you're a good listener and I know you don't judge me. Do you? You just sit there and listen and relate. I like you. And I wish you would let me touch you. Human contact is the best medicine, and I know you want it. But you're scared. Know what I'm scared of?"

Logan looked up.

"Rejection. That's why I'm the way I am. We're all scared of something, but you know, I can tell you're strong. I know you are. Weak people don't stay mute for however long you've been. Stronger than me, I guarantee that. I'm all muscle, but I cry myself to sleep sometimes. Do you do that?"

Logan nodded a little.

"Medication can't fix me. Anorexia is something a person has to overcome alone. But still when I look in the mirror… I see that my abs are getting covered by fat. It makes me cry. It makes me throw up. I wish I could just sit down and enjoy a cheeseburger, but I can't."

James paused, seeing that his monologue was affecting Logan. Logan loved sitting and listening to James talk, but he really did relate. Like James wanted to eat but couldn't, Logan wanted to talk and touch but couldn't.

"Sorry. I just… I have so much to talk about. And I feel like I can only talk to YOU like this. I feel safe talking to you, I guess cause I know you won't tell anyone. Once you get on your meds, do you think you'll talk?"

Logan shook his head.

"Hm."

Logan got up and James followed.

Logan knew what he wanted to do… He was just too afraid. He wanted to hug James, be held all night, listen to James' strong heart.

"What?" James asked softly. "You want to do or say something, I can tell. You don't have to be scared of me."

Logan reached out a shaky hand and lightly laid it on James' chest, on his heart, his eyes on his hand. He felt James' strong heart in there.

James was absolutely still. Logan, he felt, was like a bird. If you made any sudden movements, you would scare him away.

Logan closed his eyes, letting his fear explode in him, telling him to run away. But he fought it.

A warm hand slid over his, and suddenly there were breaths against his cheek, impossibly close. His eyes fluttered open and his breath caught when he turned his head to find himself with James' nose against his cheek, breath against his lips. Logan's hand contracted and twisted in a panic, trying to jerk away, but James' hand caught it and held it.

"Let it happen," James whispered. Logan whimpered- the first sound anyone had ever heard from him, and suddenly he had shoved James away, throwing them both off track.

Logan was wheezing now, clutching his chest, tears streaming down his cheeks. He felt like he just got struck at by a snake or maybe snapped at by a lion. He felt like he might die.

"Are you okay?" James asked, alarmed, thinking Logan was dying or something. He tried to touch Logan's arm, but Logan backed away, against the wall, looking terrified, showing James that what just happened was NOT okay. He was having a panic attack because of the closeness, because of the almost-kiss and because he hadn't been that close to a person in forever.

"Should I get a nurse?"

Logan scrambled over the bed, clear away from James, and to the dark bathroom in the hallway, where he heaved his dinner into the toilet, his heart beating a billion miles a minute, hands shaking, brow sweating. He had thrown up out of anxiety a few times, like when he was forced to go to the mall with his mother or when he graduated high school and was so nervous about going up in front of all those people to get his diploma that he threw up twice and was unable to do it. He had also fainted a few times.

Suddenly there were nurses in the bathroom, James and Carlos looking in. They tried to pat Logan's back, wipe his brow, ask him what happened, but it was too much for Logan.

"Give him space! He needs to be alone!" James demanded, but the nurses kept trying to ask Logan questions and get in his face. James knew. He understood that Logan was having a panic attack because of what he did and crowding him would only make it worse.

Logan passed out, his head hitting hard on the wall on the way.

James carried him in and to his bed, the nurses feeling his head where he had a goose egg. Funny- Logan wasn't panicking now. Did you have to wait until he passed out and hit his head because of a panic attack to touch him?

"What happened?" Carlos asked James sleepily.

"I crossed the line, I guess. He had a panic attack and puked," James said.

"What'd you do?"

"I came in to talk and somehow I got him to touch me. I got carried away…"

"Hm," Carlos grumbled.

* * *

**Damn. So close. SO close. If Logie had just stayed put for a few more seconds...**

**I'm just sitting here like, what if they DID kiss? I think Logan would have died. Literally.**

**Oh and if anyone knows about the Logan/Makenzie drama, hit me up, cause I don't follow Makenzie and I don't know what's going on. Oh, and Kendall and that one chick. Appartently there's something up there, too, and I'm so confused.**


	4. Logan Again

**I love that every time I look, there's like five more reviews. I LOVE it. I love all of you because you love my story! I hope you love it all the way to the end. :D**

* * *

One could easily fall into a deeper depression during their stay at a mental hospital. Logan had. Its white walls, white beds, white floors, white doors, white tables all drown him in sadness. The restrictions- no sharp objects- its bolted-down furniture, and the fact that the patients could only wear t-shirts, sweatpants, or gym shorts- no underwear- made Logan feel like a prisoner.

But what got him the most was the people.

The people like James and Kendall who were completely aware of everything were okay. But the people who were heavily medicated, who walked around like zombies, who felt nothing because they used to feel too much… Those were the people who made Logan sad.

And now he was one of those people.

He had been allowed to skip group therapy the next day because he started his medications that morning. The nurse came into his room that morning with two cups instead of one- one little cup full of pills for Carlos, and one half-full with Logan's pills.

He had swallowed them down, ready to start a new life.

And now he laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering if his mother had died, and if he would feel anything about it if she had.

Carlos had somehow escaped becoming a zombie with his meds. He seemed to be perfectly fine. That was probably the crazy.

Logan no longer felt an aching depression in his heart. No longer felt like he wanted to die. No longer felt like he could cry for days.

But best of all, he no longer felt afraid of the world around him.

The doctor had said that the first day was always the worst.

Logan wasn't allowed visitors in his room. Even Carlos was kept out of his own room.

So Logan simply laid there, staring at the ceiling, feeling high or maybe dead. But not sad.

* * *

The next day, Logan took his pills with Carlos again.

He went to group therapy, ready to see James. Ready to maybe look James in the eyes and smile at him. Maybe even hug him for being such a great friend.

But James wasn't at group therapy.

Logan started to fear that James had been released. But then that fear left, just like all other emotions it only lasted a second or two.

It was strange for Logan to be able to look at people when they spoke.

"Logan? Anything interesting happen to you lately?" Nina asked when it was his turn to speak. Everyone sat back boredly, knowing he wouldn't speak. And he didn't. He hadn't spoken at all. But he also didn't blush, didn't look away. He just shrugged and shook his head, even thought the most interesting thing of all happened to him- he got medicated and he was completely turned around.

"I hear he had a 'panic attack' the other night and threw up. But I think his little boyfriend, James, made him swallow his jizz and he puked it up," Kendall sneered.

Logan prepared for the burning anxiety to overcome him, but it didn't. Only anger.

He looked Kendall right in the eyes- a beautiful shade that he didn't deserve, Logan noted- raised his right hand, and flipped him the bird.

Kendall's jaw dropped and everyone sniggered.

"You little FAGGOT!"

Logan raised his other hand and flipped him the bird with both.

"WOO! Go Logan!" Carlos cheered, breaking out into applause.

"Logan, that isn't appropriate," Nina grumbled. Logan dropped his hands and crossed his arms, turning back to Nina. "Logan, you're different. Did you get medicated?"

Logan nodded smugly.

"How are you feeling?"

Logan shrugged. He felt pretty damn good after what he did, to tell the truth.

* * *

After group, Logan had about half an hour before one-on-one therapy. He approached James' room and poked his head in. James wasn't there, but his things were, so Logan went on to his room.

After therapy, Logan checked James' room again, and this time he was there.

"Hey, Logan," James grinned, getting up from his bed. "Hey listen, sorry about the other night. I don't know-"

He stopped talking, Logan standing before him, looking him square in the eyes.

"How are you feeling since you go your meds?" James asked. "Feeling alright?"

Logan tried to plan out a hug in his head, but realized he didn't even know how to hug someone anymore.

He opened his mouth, looking confused.

"What?" James egged.

Logan's hands darted out to grab James' wrists, then brought them around Logan to his lower back. Yeah, this felt right… He guessed.

"Are you… Asking for a hug?"

Logan's own arms wrapped around James' torso and he pressed his cheek to James' collarbone. It felt amazing when James hugged back, clutching Logan to him, laughing at the miracle that just happened.

For once, Logan closed his eyes and smelled James. He smelled all natural, but amazing. He felt his muscles under his arms. He listened to the pulse in James' shoulder. He was getting what he wanted. What he craved.

James didn't mind that Logan just stood there hugging him for about five minutes. He loved it. It's what he wanted to do since he met the little shy dude.

"Do I get to hear your voice now?" James asked. He laughed when Logan shook his head simply, eyes still closed as he enjoyed the embrace.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, the two were entering Logan and Carlos' room. Carlos was sitting at his bed whistling when they entered.

Logan pointed to the bed, gesturing for James to sit against the headboard of his. James did and was absolutely shocked along with Carlos who was observing, when Logan spread James' legs, sat between them, and pulled James' arms around him as he nestled in.

James turned to Carlos, shock on his face.

Screw them, Logan thought, I'm enjoying myself.

He couldn't get enough of the whole touching thing. He didn't know how much he missed being held and cuddled until that hug, and that was when he was set off. He laid his head back on James' chest and closed his eyes.

There was only one thing that could make this perfect. Logan opened his eyes and reached up and back for James' head, which he brought forward against his hair.

"What the hell, Logan?" James laughed, pulling away.

Logan looked up at him, a sad look on his face. UNDERSTAND, DAMMIT!

"He wants a kiss. I bet he hasn't been kissed for years," Carlos said closely observing. Logan nodded up to James and James shifted uncomfortably.

"I dunno, Logan. That's crossing a line."

"Oh, you pussy," Carlos grumbled, getting up and leaning down to kiss Logan's cheek, making Logan blush a little but feel very happy inside from the affection.

"Where were you for group?" Logan scribbled out on his pad after a few minutes. He felt that he COULD talk, but maybe he was afraid of what his voice would come out to be, or that he forgot how to talk.

"Oh! I forgot to tell you guys. It was fucking HELL," James began. "They made me eat like a huge breakfast. I wouldn't do it. I wanted to go to group, but they said I couldn't leave till I ate it all. It took three hours. I puked afterward, of course but… Oh GOD… I think I digested some of it."

"James, that's horrible," Carlos grumbled.

"I know. And they told me that if I didn't shove my finger down my throat, I could be released within a week. They put me in a bathroom. The made me look at myself, and all I saw was some fatass standing there with my eyes, my face, but I looked fat. I threw up everything I ate, then I looked like me again."

Logan sat up and twisted to give James an accusing look. He didn't like that James had done that. He needed to try to get better.

"Don't look at me that way. I told you- it's hard."

Logan got up and went to Carlos' bed, sat beside him, and allowed Carlos to cuddle him.

"Ha! You're shunned!" Carlos sneered, his arms tight around his friend.

James' heart broke. Was Logan mad at him for his condition? He couldn't help it! It's the way he is, and he shouldn't be shunned for that.

He tried not to show that it got to him too much. He didn't want Logan to get upset over James' feelings.

"I'm… Gonna go do something," James said awkwardly, getting up.

"What? No way! C'mon, James, we're just messing with you," Carlos pleaded.

"I didn't get to work out this morning- I'm just gonna go find a treadmill."

James left and Logan look up, giving Carlos a concerned look.

"Are you mad at him?" Carlos asked, neither of them weirded out at all by the way their noses were practically touching. Logan shook his head. "I think he thinks you are. Honestly, I think I am a little. He's not making any progress."

Logan scribbled something on his pad. _Do you think he thinks I'm fat?_

"Logan," Carlos groaned. "You're not fat. You're not even tubby. You're HEALTHY. Like me, except I have muscles. And besides- I think he's the kind of anorexic that just finds himself disgusting, not really other people."

Logan twisted his lips and got up.

"Are you gonna go find him?" Carlos asked. Logan nodded, changing into gym shorts.

Carlos didn't miss the scars and cuts on his legs, but it was no surprise to him. Everyone here had them except Carlos. He had tried cutting his wrist once in high school, but it hurt so bad that Robin came out. Robin wasn't happy about it. Robin was sort of Carlos' caretaker, his mother, his guardian angel. He, of course, had never met Robin, but sometimes when they switched, Carlos would wake up with his apartment cleaned up and a pizza on the table, which Robin ate none of so that Carlos would be hungry for it. Carlos would get rid of him in a heartbeat to become sane, but maybe he needed Robin more than he thought.

* * *

Logan found James in the exercise room, a bunch of other people around him, but the treadmill beside him open. James was watching himself run in the mirror, taking steady breaths, face sweaty.

Logan timidly stepped on the other treadmill and set a jogging speed. He had never used a treadmill in his life, by the way.

James was stunned to see Logan there beside him, struggling to keep up with the pace. He laughed and leaned over to set a slower pace.

"Are you mad at me?" James asked over his breathing.

Logan jogged easily, shaking his head at James in the mirror.

"I thought you were. Look, Logan, I can't control my anorexia anymore than you could control your anxiety two days ago."

Logan tended to beg to differ, but didn't say so.

He reached over to the little control panel and took his pad, putting it on James'.

James read it and suddenly stepped to the safety of the side of his treadmill, looking over at Logan, concern on his face.

"NO I don't think you're fat!"

Logan stopped his treadmill and turned to him.

"Logan, you've got an ADORABLE layer of cuteness all over you," James sighed, making Logan's hand rub the back of his head bashfully. "I'M fat. Look at this!"

James pulled up his shirt to show washboard abs.

Suddenly Logan was angry. What the FUCK? James was nothing but muscle! He was standing there TOUCHING his muscle! Did he really see fat instead of that?

He snatched James' hand and pushed it to his own stomach.

"That's not fat. That's skin and organs."

Logan's jaw clenched angrily. He wasn't insisting he was fat, no, but he knew he had a little bit there that James had to feel to know that James himself wasn't fat.

He opened his mouth, ready to say something. Anything. Everything.

"What?" James egged excitedly.

Logan's mouth snapped closed. He twisted his lips at James and took his pad and pen, sitting in a chair beside the treadmills as James continued running.

He wrote a note. A long one, telling everything he felt toward what James had told him now and in the past. He put his heart into it. He wanted to say it all to James, but couldn't make himself do it.

James ran, watching himself in the wall of a mirror. He liked to watch himself sweat- sweat meant losing weight. The damn protein shakes he was made to drink made him gain weight like crazy, and he hated that. He hated watching himself in the mirror, his stomach jiggling along with his legs. He hated that.

Nothing on him jiggled, but he never saw that.

Finally Logan stood, tore the note from his pad, and gave it to James before leaving.

James turned his treadmill to walking speed and read.

_I hate that you think that you're ugly and fat. It breaks my heart. I think you're the prettiest person I've ever seen. And as for the thing you said about being just a shell, I think you have the biggest heart of any of us. You give amazing hugs and I like the sound of your voice. That seems random, but I think you need to hear these things from someone. You're a fantastic friend and I really like you a lot. I wish you could see how beautiful you are and that if anything you should gain a few pounds. You've got really pretty eyes_

James looked up in the mirror at his eyes. They WERE really pretty, weren't they? They were his mother's eyes.

_And pretty hands_

James looked down at his hands- so big and strong, their veins tunneling through the tan skin.

_And pretty teeth and a pretty smile and your hair looks really soft and I like the way it's cut and your body is amazing- I think that if you got much more muscular, you would be TOO muscular. I like the way you laugh and the way you get protective of your friends and the way you understood me when I was so nervous. James, I don't know why you always get so insecure. I wish you could see what I see when you're looking in the mirror. _

James beeped off his treadmill and stared at himself in the mirror.

He saw himself as he was, for the first time in a long time. He saw all of Logan's favorite parts, and some of his own favorite parts. It brought a smile to his face and made him want to cry.

* * *

Logan was at the cafeteria eating lunch when James entered, looking around. Logan's heart pounded. Was he angry about the note because he didn't feel the same way?

Finally James found him and hurried to him.

"Get up," James ordered. Logan stood slowly and was surprised when James took him roughly into his arms, hanging on for dear life.

"Thank you, Logan," he whispered as Logan hugged him back. "That note helped me more than anything else at this hospital."

Logan smiled a little into James' chest, proud of himself.

"I saw myself for the first time a few minutes ago. I saw ME. Because of all the stuff you said. And I went to your room, but Los said you were gone and so I searched the whole place before I found you. I had to hug you. You're so sweet."

James turned his head a little to kiss Logan's temple, sending jolts of happiness through Logan and making him squeeze harder.

"Nobody's ever said those things to me. My mom always told me that I had to be perfect and look good- she never told me when I reached that goal. Thank you. Even if I only see MYSELF once, I'm glad I did."

Logan looked up, a huge smile on his face.

"You have dimples. And pretty teeth," he melted. Logan's smile lowered bashfully with his eyes, and when he looked up, James was only centimeters away and getting closer.

"I TOLD YOU THEY WERE FAGGOTS!" came a yell, making them jump. Kendall was standing at his table, pointing at them. James tried backing away, but Logan pulled him closer, staring challengingly at Kendall. He didn't know why James kept trying to kiss him- he wouldn't stop him- but he HATED Kendall and his homophobic ways.

"Let's just beat it," James said quietly, gently prying away from Logan. Logan, however, stayed put.

"Go suck his cock, pretty boy," Kendall spat.

"Logan," James hissed.

Logan glanced at James, then back at Kendall staring at him with challenging caramel green eyes.

He calmly pushed past chairs and people, looking up at Kendall.

"What? Gonna get on your knees, fag?"

Suddenly an itch that Logan had never had before showed itself. An itch in his right arm, telling him SLUG EM IN THE DAMN MOUTH!

Logan pulled back his fist to hit Kendall- hard- but his hand was caught.

"What the FUCK do you think you're doing?" James hissed, an arm looping around Logan's torso and tugging back. Logan tried to fight it, tried to tear at the smug Kendall standing there, smirking.

Logan wanted to yell. Wanted to threaten Kendall. Wanted to scream.

"Logan! Let it GO!" James growled, struggling to pull Logan away- Logan's feet pushing him the other way.

Logan's mouth opened to scream at Kendall.

"SAY IT, ASSHOLE!" Kendall yelled. Logan's mouth closed and he whirled around, storming away. James kept up behind and followed him to his room.

"What the hell, Logan, you can't DO those things," James growled as Logan sat angrily on the bed, arms crossed. "You're too small and sweet- he'd beat your ass."

Logan grabbed his pillow and shoved it into James' lower stomach, telling him to leave him the fuck alone.

"You know how much he wants to 'beat the gay outta you', why would you try to pick a fight?" James demanded.

Logan snapped up staring angrily at James. He wanted James gone.

"SAY IT. SAY THE WORDS YOU WANT TO TELL ME!" James retorted.

I CAN'T, DAMMIT! Logan thought.

James sighed and turned to leave.

"Fine. Be by yourself," he said over his shoulder. "I'll see you later, I guess."

Logan plopped down on his bed, beyond pissed off. Now he was allowed to feel angry, and James won't let him do anything about it. He wanted to go and beat the shit outta Kendall, but he was probably in the lunch room.

Now that Logan thought about it, it was best that he didn't hit Kendall. That would turn into a bigger fight and they both might have been tranquillized, or at least taken to a padded room to "cool off", then they would have to do a therapy session together to resolve the problem.

* * *

James sighed and put Logan's note in a drawer for safe keeping before plopping down on his bed with a huff.

Didn't Logan get that he was just trying to protect him? Kendall was an angry person. And very big and muscular. And homophobic, and he thought that Logan was gay. Kendall may not have stopped beating him. And Logan would have been contained if he made it out.

James was so glad that Logan could look him in the eye now, and smile and touch him, but he was a bit of a handful now. He was actually really sassy.

And God DAMMIT James didn't get to kiss Logan! Logan was going to let it happen and that asshole Kendall came and interrupted!

He had been pouting for a while before someone entered.

"Logan?"

Logan slowly came over to the bed and laid with James, cuddling into his chest, hands pressed against his own chest.

"I'm pissed at you," James grumbled.

Logan's neck bent back and his placed a light kiss on James' chin. He hadn't kissed anyone in years, and he liked it a little less than he liked being kissed.

"Is this your way of apologizing? Because I was just PROTECTING you?" James retorted. Logan snuggled closer, inhaling James' scent. He loved being close to him. It was okay cuddling with Carlos, but it was different with James. Cuddling with James made Logan's heart swell and flutter.

He reach up to grab James' wrist and he laid it over his waist.

How could James be mad after that? Logan was like a puppy that just bit someone, and now he was being cuddly and cute to say he was sorry.

James couldn't keep his feelings to himself anymore. He was sure Logan knew, but he had to say it.

"I really like you, Logan," he said quietly. "A lot."

Logan knew what he meant, and it made him all fuzzy inside. He slipped his hand through James' arm to hug his torso before falling asleep.

It was a great first day being Logan.

* * *

**AAAWE so cute.**

**Happy New Years guys! Well, not yet. In a few hours, though! I wrote a cute little Kogan New Years thing called Midnight Kiss, I dunno if you guys read it or not.**

**New Years is depressing, though. Like, I realize I did nothing with a whole year of my life but FanFic, which is awesome, but I probably shoulda done more than that and band. :D**

**I hope you loved this chapter!**


	5. Break Throughs

Logan and James stared at each other from their seats across the circle from one another at group therapy.

"Everyone, we have a new addition to our group," Nina was saying, gesturing to a small blonde girl sitting beside Kendall. "Can you tell us your name and condition?"

"Yeah. My name's Jo," the girl said with a sweet smile. "I was diagnosed as Bipolar, but I think I just have strong views, you know?"

Logan smiled a little as James crossed his eyes at him, James loving the way his dimples showed up at the tiniest of grins.

"James?" Nina broke through James' happiness and made him reel.

"Hm? What're we talking about?"

Logan laughed silently, shaking his head.

"Have you made a new friend?" she asked, gesturing to Logan.

"Oh yeah. Well, not NEW friend, but stronger friend, I think. Now that he's on meds, he's like a little sass master, you know? He's funny, even if he doesn't talk," James said, blushing a little bit just talking about it.

"You're glowing, James," she said as if she were proud of him.

"That's because Logie there sucked his cock again this morning," Kendall said casually.

"Really? You two are gay?" Jo asked cheerfully.

"Um… No," James said awkwardly.

"They are. They're raging faggots for each other," Kendall scoffed.

"Shut up!" Jo was suddenly angry. "I don't like that word!"

"What? FAGGOTS? Fag? Cocksucker? Dicklicker?"

"Kendall, that's enough," Nina warned.

"Logan tried to hit me yesterday, and his fag boyfriend rescued him," Kendall said simply. "I'da beat the gay right outta him."

"Shut UP!" Jo raged. "You're just a homophobic JERK, aren't you? You know, most of you are just like you are because you're afraid of your own sexuality."

"Are you suggesting-"

"I think you're gay," Jo said simply.

"I'M NOT GAY, YOU BITCH!" Kendall retorted.

"I hate THAT word, too! So you're homophobic AND sexist? What else is there?"

"I'm just an all around asshole, baby, get used to it."

"Don't call me that," Jo scoffed.

"WHAT?"

"Baby. It infers that you have already claimed me as yours, which suggests that you think I'm 'easy'."

"There's nothing easy about you," Kendall grumbled.

"Wooooow. You're an asshole," Jo said angrily.

"Told you," Kendall sang. Jo took a deep breath and shook her head.

"Jo, did you know that Kendall is also Bipolar? And paranoid schizophrenic," Nina said.

"I can tell," Jo grumbled.

"Bitch," Kendall coughed.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Jo screeched, Kendall easily keeping her away from him as she tried to get her hands around his throat. They were both removed from the room.

The room was silent.

"Anyway, James, can you share a little bit about what you've learned about Logan? We don't know much about him," Nina suggested to get the ball rolling again.

"I don't know much of anything about his past and stuff, but I know about his real personality, minus the sadness and the anxiety," James said happily. "He's really sassy. He loves to cuddle- I'm glad Kendall isn't here now, cause he would take that wrong. But I guess he hasn't touched another person for so long, when he got medicated he just wanted to hug and cuddle and stuff, and me being the great friend I am, I helped him out. And he's really sweet. He helped me a little with my condition- he wrote me a really sweet note-" James smiled at Logan. "Telling me all the stuff he likes about me. And he's got dimples and really pretty teeth, and he's really understanding."

"Does the therapist know about the progress you two have made together?"

"Oh, I'm going there next," James said. "I'm gonna tell her all about it."

* * *

"You'll be proud of me, doc," James said, sitting in his chair, ankle resting on his knee as his therapist sat across from him. "I made a friend."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yup. His name is Logan, and he doesn't talk. But he lets me talk to him. I tell him everything that I'm feeling, and he listens."

"I listen," she said.

"But you're always busy. But with Logan, it's like it's just me and him."

"What do you talk about?"

"I tell him about my life. About my condition. Not really much I haven't told you, but a lot."

"You're still friends with Carlos?"

"Oh yeah," James waved. "They're roommates. But Logan and I are a different kind of friend. We sit down and have deep conversations. Well, I do. He sits there and listens. Lately he's been on meds and we hug a lot. He loves to cuddle- he hasn't been cuddled for a long time, I guess, and he missed it. But that's okay- he's adorable enough that I like it."

"And this is a real person?"

"What're you suggesting?"

"It isn't uncommon for people under a lot of mental stress to make up imaginary characters to talk to when they're feeling lonely," the therapist said.

"Noooo, no, I'm not THAT crazy. He's real, I swear," James laughed. "Everyone sees him."

"Are you sure your feelings are only as deep as friendship?" the therapist smirked. "You seem to be very excited about him."

"I think I'm in love, doc. I haven't known him for very long, but I tried to kiss him twice."

"And how did that go?"

"The first time, he was so nervous he puked. Then the second time was yesterday and Kendall tried to pick a fight about it. So it hasn't happened."

"Do you think that Logan feels the same way about you?"

James paused.

"Wow. That's never occurred to me."

"Have you ever asked?"

"I told him that I liked him, and he seemed to approve," James said proudly.

"That's great. And how are the protein shakes going?" the therapist asked, changing the subject.

"See? That's what I mean. It's like I'm only allowed to talk about stuff for a limited time. With Logan, he listens for as long as I want to talk. He never changes the subject."

"Well you're only here for a limited time. I'm very glad that Logan makes you happy, but I have to work on your condition, too."

James sighed and nodded.

"The protein shakes are okay. I like the strawberry flavored."

"That's good."

"It's made me gain weight, and I don't like it."

James hated that Logan was only able to cure his brain for such a small amount of time with his note, but he felt like now he was a bit stronger.

"Are you still exercising?"

"Yup," James nodded. "I saw myself for real yesterday. In the mirror."

"Really? That's fantastic!"

"I'm not as fat as I thought," James laughed a little. "Logan wrote me a long note about his favorite parts of me, and how I should be trying to get better. He likes my eyes and my hands and my voice. So I thought, well, if Logan can like me how I am, why can't I? And I saw me in the mirror and I almost cried- I was pretty happy about it. And he told me that if anything I should gain a little weight."

"And after seeing yourself, do you agree?"

"I like my muscles, but I think that I could soften up a little bit."

"Have you eaten anything?"

"My protein shake. And I snatched a bite of Carlos' pancakes this morning. They looked so good… I couldn't resist."

"And did you throw up afterward?"

James hesitated, dumbfounded.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because Logan gave me a hug for eating that tiny piece of pancakes, and it made me feel good."

"Logan seems like a good influence on you," the therapist said, writing.

"He asked me if I thought he was fat. It made me feel horrible. I mean, he's a little bit tubby, but he's pretty average. It's cute, I think. And I told him that. Do I come off as someone who's disgusted by average people?"

"I suppose he just thought that since you're so hard on yourself, you may see him as something disgusting."

"There's nothing disgusting about him. I bet even his boogers are cute."

"Do you think that it's a possibility that your feelings toward Logan stem from your ex-boyfriend?"

"That's what attracted me at first. He was little and cute like Patty. But then I sorta got to know him, and they're completely different."

"You may have to watch yourself, James. Remind yourself that Patrick and Logan are not the same person."

"I'm over Patrick."

"Are you?"

"Yup. I'm moving on."

"Would you be willing to call Patrick and tell him about you 'moving on'?"

"Any day."

"Alright. Let's do it."

"Now?"

"Now."

* * *

Logan was wondering where James was at lunch- normally he was there in the cafeteria. He wasn't that day, though, and Logan assumed they were doing another food therapy.

* * *

_Leave me alone, James. _

_I don't want to talk to you._

_I'm glad you're getting help, but I'm engaged, James, and I shouldn't be talking to you._

_Another guy? Does he know about you?_

_Okay, I have to go. Don't call again, James, or I'll block your number._

Patrick's lispy voice rang through James' head as he gagged over his finger, his stomach heaving, but nothing coming out.

He was over Patrick, dammit! Why did he care so much about his point of view? Why did he care so much that he was engaged so fast?

_Logan isn't Patrick._

_What if Logan came in right now? He would be so pissed off that you're doing this._

_Nothing's even coming out, what's the point?_

James kneeled at the toilet, multiple attempts failed.

He needed food in his stomach if he wanted to do this.

* * *

Logan was almost finished with his lunch when a tray sat at the table beside him. Hm- normally Carlos skipped lunch because his meds took away his appetite for it.

James sat, face bowed, eyes red.

Logan smiled and hugged around James' back, his cheek on his shoulder, happy to see him. Happy to see that James had a tray full of food.

"Hey, Loge," James said gruffly, wiping his nose on the back of his hand before picking up a French fry. He stared at it, knowing it tasted good but not wanting to eat it.

"I uh… I decided to eat lunch today."

Logan's grin widened and let go of James, not knowing James' plans for after he finished.

James didn't say anything about his phone call with Patrick.

He took a nibble of his French fry, swallowed, then ate the whole fry.

James took a deep breath before continuing.

He was encouraged by Logan's arm around his back body close, pride radiating from him. Logan was proud of him. And it felt good.

James didn't eat much, but it was enough.

He was surprised when Logan wove his fingers with his as they walked down the halls back to his room, a happy grin on his face every time James looked at him.

They arrived at James' room, where they sat in the bed.

Now James felt guilty for what he was about to do. Logan was so proud of him and happy for him… Would he even let James go to the bathroom now, since he knew about the Bulimia?

"I uh… I have to go piss," James said quietly, making to get up. Logan caught his arm giving him a worried look. He was suspicious.

James had to do this, though. He was depressed about talking to Patrick, and this is what he did when he was sad. He threw up. He would eat, then puke it up. It made him feel better.

"Don't worry about it," James said quietly. "I'm just gonna pee."

Logan was still suspicious, but he thought that James wouldn't lie to him. He let James go.

After he was gone, Logan sneaked out to the hallway where he went to the bathroom and pressed his ear to the door. It destroyed him to think of what James could be doing in there.

James knelt before the toilet, staring at the clear water.

He didn't know that Logan was outside listening in.

He just imagined Logan somehow finding out about James sticking his finger down his throat. He would give him that offended look. He may cry. He may get physical with James- maybe an angry shove or a slap in the face for lying so bluntly to his face. He would go back to his room angrily and James would follow him, only to be stopped by a pissed of Carlos, not knowing why Logan was mad, but wanting to protect his fragile little buddy.

He couldn't do it.

Logan smiled a little when he heard ruffling of cloth and the heavy sound of urine hitting the toilet water. Then he heard the toilet flush and the sink come on.

James exited the bathroom before Logan had the time to go back to his room.

"Logan? Were you listening to me peeing?" James laughed. Logan stared at him, a goofy smile on his face. "What?"

Logan slammed himself into James' chest, hugging him tight.

"I'm so proud of you," he said softly. James froze, and they looked at each other.

"You just talked," James said in awe. Logan put a hand over his mouth, eyes wide in surprise. "Say something else!"

Logan shook his head, but James didn't care. He grabbed Logan's face and planted a kiss on his cheek before hugging him again.

* * *

James and Logan laid in James' bed, staring at one another.

"I have a confession," James said softly, running his hand up and down Logan's arm. "I… I was gonna do it. I was gonna throw up in there. I didn't know you were listening, but I just kept imagining how hurt you would be if you found out that I lied to you. It was hard, but I'm proud of myself for it. But it's gonna take some effort to stay away for the next few hours… I can feel the fat forming. I don't care that they say that it takes more than a meal to make you fat- I know it doesn't take much… I'm glad you're here to help me control myself."

Logan smiled and reached up to stroke James' cheek.

"Sometimes when I'm feeling depressed I eat then I puke. It makes me feel better," James said softly. "My therapist made me call Patrick and tell him that I'm moving on. And uh… He told me he didn't want to talk to me and that if I called again, he would block me."

Logan couldn't believe this. What kind of a person would say that to such a sweet guy?

"I told him I'm here, and he said he was glad I'm getting help. But… He told me that he's engaged to another guy. It's only been six months and already he's engaged to someone better," James said glumly.

"Are you over him?" Logan asked quietly, dark eyes on James'. James grinned, loving the sound of Logan's voice.

"Of course I am."

Logan twisted his lips and nodded, not wanting to admit that he was afraid that James was still hung up on his ex.

"Are you gay?" James asked Logan, taking him off guard. Logan thought a second about it. Was he gay? He had never thought about it too deeply. He had only dated girls, but lately he hadn't been sexually attracted to anyone. Until James.

He shrugged.

"I didn't know. Because, like, you let me touch you and you want me to cuddle you and you held my hand earlier, but you didn't let me kiss you," James said. "And like, I have a giant crush on you, I'm not gonna lie, but it's totally okay if you don't feel the same way, I just didn't know."

Logan shrugged helplessly.

"Well… They say that all can be determined in a kiss," James said softly. Logan's heart jumped and he shifted a little. "If you're not comfortable with it, just let me know. I won't force you."

Okay, so maybe Logan had no doubts about his feelings for his friend. Maybe he just wanted to kiss him.

His heart pounded in his throat as James took his absence of rejection as a green light. A cold hand gently slithered up Logan's neck to caress the nape of his neck and jaw.

"Are you sure?" James asked quietly, hazel eyes holding trust for Logan, breath sweet against his face.

"Don't break my heart," Logan whispered as James got even closer.

"Never," James whispered back as their lips locked. Logan's breath caught and his fingers curled into James' t-shirt. James' warm breaths came through his nose against Logan's cheek and nose, but Logan couldn't find breaths of his own.

"You okay?" James asked as he broke the kiss. "You have to breathe."

No time, Logan thought as he raised his face to connect their lips again.

As each kiss lingered and reinitiated, Logan found his breath. His hands let go of James' shirt to sneak beneath it, feeling the muscles and the little line of hair beneath his belly button. James moaned a little between kisses, loving the way Logan touched him.

Logan bit down lightly on James' lip, making James groan again. His hand went from James' stomach, around his hips, to slither down the back of James' waistband. James giggled and reached back to remove the hand before it could get too far, but Logan didn't seem to mind. He elevated himself on an elbow, towering above James to kiss his neck.

"Horny much?" James giggled, not moving to make Logan stop. Logan grunted in agreement, his hand snaking up James' shirt again.

_Jesus this is hot, _they both thought.

Logan stopped kissing James' neck in order to lower himself, pulling James' shirt up and kissing down his abs. It was all fine and dandy until Logan's fingers curled into the front of James' waistband. James caught his hands before he could pull down.

"We can't do this here," James said seriously, sitting up. "It's happened before. Two inpatients have sex, one's put upstairs with the REAL crazy people just to make sure it doesn't happen again, the other is contained for a good three days."

Logan pouted and sat on his knees.

"Besides, it's only our first date," James smirked, giving Logan one more peck before getting up.

Logan sighed and tried to compose himself as James fixed his messy hair.

"I do like you," he said quietly. James turned to him and laughed.

"Think so?" he giggled. Logan bit his lip and got up. He needed to change into some shorts- he was sweating now.

* * *

**A lot went on in this one. :D**

**Kendall got a taste of his own medicine with Jo.**

**James vented about is feels for Logan w/ his therapist.**

**James talked to Patrick.**

**James ate stuff and didn't throw it up.**

**Jagan makeout scene.**

**We found out that Logan his a horny bastard.**

**I think it was a good chapter! I love writing this whole thing, because I can make anyone feel and do anything without question, cause they're all in a mental hospital!**


	6. I'll Wait For You

**Dear storyofarusher,**

**Well I've never even gotten CLOSE to 600 reviews. :D I did get like 320ish on my old copy of Dark Places, and I have no idea how. But I seriously don't plan anything. I don't even know what I want to happen in the chapter I'm about to write after this note. I have one general idea for a chapter like "next step in the relationship" or "step to recovery" and I just start. I don't really plan a story unless it has a specific plot, like Feathers or Needles.**

**Maybe you should try NOT planning. :D**

**And thank you, and EVERYONE! for your reviews and support. :)**

* * *

"And how is your depression?" Dr. Andry asked James, her legs crossed and a clipboard atop them.

"It's good. I think that since I started being buddies with Logan, it's gotten a lot better," James said. "But there're times, like when I'm laying in bed trying to sleep, that I get that feeling again. In my stomach- that rotten feeling that makes me want to cry."

"How do you deal with that?"

"I use the techniques you taught me. You know, think of a happy place, take a walk in the halls, talk to a nurse about whatever."

"That's great."

"Yeah."

"How were you after our session yesterday? After talking to Patrick?"

"I felt like I needed to puke. That feeling- it's overwhelming. Like it cleanses me, makes the sadness go away."

"But it doesn't. It only distracts you from your feelings."

"I know. But I ate this big lunch, planning on sticking my finger down my throat after. But Logan was there, and he was so proud of me for eating. He held my hand all the way back to my room, and then I told him I had to piss, so he'd let me go to the bathroom. He was onto me."

"Did you feel guilty lying to him?"

"Hell yeah I did. I looked him in the eye and I lied. But he let me go," James paused, thinking. "And… I got in there and I knelt in front of the John… And I just thought about, what if Logan found out that I lied and that he was so proud of me for nothing? He would hate me, just like Patty did. I couldn't do it, doc. So I got up and I took a piss, then when I opened the door and Logan was there. He was listening, prepared to stop me if I tried to do anything in there. He's so sweet. And he hugged me. And for the first time in however long, he talked."

"What did he say?"

"He said 'I'm so proud of you'. I don't think anyone's heard his voice for at least a year, and I have to say, it's amazing. I love it. And what he said only made me happier."

"When was the last time someone told you that they were proud of you?"

James hesitated, thinking for a long time.

"High school graduation?" Dr. Andry offered.

"No…"

"Getting a good grade on a test?"

"Nope."

"When?"

James looked up, dumbfounded.

"I don't think anyone's EVER told me that," he said in realization.

"So hearing it from Logan was a first?"

"Yeah," James nodded, troubled.

* * *

Logan sat at the table in the art room, dragging the paint brush up and down a piece of cardboard to color it sky blue. James sat beside him at the circle table busily sketching someone- a woman. Carlos was on Logan's other side, playing with yellow Play-Doh.

"Wassa matter? Something's on your mind," James said, looking up at Logan. He could tell something was up by the way he avoided James' and Carlos' eyes, by the way he bit on his lower lip, by the way he wasn't so touchy-feely with James.

He knew it wasn't because of the kiss last night. They were more that fine at group therapy that morning.

"Are you mad at me?" James asked, going back to his sketch. It was his mother- the woman he was drawing. He missed her, even if she was the center of all his problems. He glanced up to see Logan shaking his head. "Then what? Did something happen at one-on-one?"

Logan sighed and put his brush in the water, looking up at James looking down at him.

"I'm going home," he said quietly. He never really spoke above a murmur.

"That's great!" James smiled, despite the horribly rotten feeling in his chest and stomach, Carlos looking sad. Anyone was lucky to get out of this hospital so soon- it was normally for longer stays, but James wanted to spend more time with Logan. Logan was the medication he couldn't have, the medication he couldn't puke up. The medication that made him not-so-sad.

James' enthusiasm made Logan feel better about it- he was afraid that James would be sad.

"When?" James asked.

"Saturday," Logan answered.

"That's tomorrow," Carlos said sadly. He looked up to find that Logan looked upset, so James tried to cheer up.

"That's still awesome. Will you visit us?" James asked.

Logan smiled a little and nodded.

"Hey, fags. Can I sit here?" came a voice, and both looked up at Kendall standing there awkwardly with a coloring book and crayons. There was a lot to do in the hospital- there was a gym, a garden, a TV room, a cafeteria always stocked with food, and an art room.

A lot of people spent time in the art room- it was the only place that they could have paper or scissors (safety scissors, of course) and pencils, and there was always music playing in there. It was heavily watched, but nobody really ever tried anything harmful. There were always coloring books and Play-Doh and paints for bored people who just went there for temporary entertainment, but there were some people who used clay and canvases and wood as artistic therapy and were serious about it.

James looked around, finding that the other tables were full and Kendall had no choice.

"I guess," he grumbled.

Kendall sat and started flipping through the book, most pages scribbled in, trying to find a picture that was clean enough. He didn't seem like a threat, so James continued with the conversation.

"Are you gonna live with your mom?" he asked Logan. Kendall didn't seem to be listening, or he was minding his own business for once.

Logan nodded, not wanting to talk in front of Kendall. He didn't want to talk in front of anyone except James and Carlos.

"Are you going to college after summer's over?" James asked. Logan smiled proudly and nodded. "For what?"

Logan gave him a look and tilted his head over to Kendall. James sighed and shrugged.

"Okay," he said, understanding that he was uncomfortable talking with Kendall there. Logan retrieved his brush from the dirty water nearby and dried it before dipping it into the green, going to make grass at the bottom of his cardboard.

"So… Kendall," James began awkwardly. Sure, the guy was a douche, but James wanted to talk to SOMEONE, and Carlos was entirely too busy humming and making Play-Doh spaghetti to carry on a conversation. Kendall looked up defensively. "That's a very nice… Tiger… You've got there."

Kendall looked down at the picture of the cartoon lion he was coloring, red staining its teeth and around its mouth although it was smiling. He was going to color it black and purple. It was the lion representing himself.

"It's a lion," he spat. "Tigers have stripes, lions have manes."

"Well don't they both roar? That's all I know," James laughed.

"No. They don't. Lions roar, tigers chuff."

Logan looked up to see Kendall looking angry and James looking like he was trying not to be murdered.

"Okay… Sorry…" James said, going back to his sketch.

"What're you drawing, Jame?" Carlos asked from across the table.

"My mommy," James said proudly.

They all looked at the sketch- James was a great artist. Kendall didn't look criticizing, he just looked from the drawing to James, seeing the resemblance.

"Do you draw in your free time?" Carlos asked.

"Yeah. I have sketches taped all over my walls. Of made up people, of animals, of real people, of objects. What do you do?"

"I volunteer at the zoo. I get to feed snakes and shit. It's pretty cool. I get to talk to myself all the time and people just assume I'm talking to the animals."

It was silent for a second before Kendall spoke up.

"I play guitar and write music," he said spat. "In case anyone cared. You're purposefully ignoring me, aren't you?"

"Well when everything you say is a snide remark," James grumbled.

"I'm trying to be nice, shithead."

"Are you in a band?" James asked, trying to satisfy Kendall.

"Used to be," Kendall grumbled. "Just me and my buddy. But he got sick of my shit and we split up."

They went on with their business quietly for about ten minutes until Kendall looked up hesitantly.

"My therapist wanted me to talk to you guys," he said quietly.

"Yeah?" James said, looking up along with the others.

"He wanted me to tell you guys that I'm sorry for being so cruel to you."

"And are you?"

Kendall shrugged.

"Well you've caused Logan a lot of trouble," James said, Logan looking up, searching Kendall for any indication that he didn't mean what he said, finding none.

"Jo was right- I AM homophobic," Kendall said guiltily. "It's just how I am. I'm paranoid, and I make up shit in my head that isn't true. Like that being around a gay guy will make ME gay, or that somehow you're trying to change me into one of you. And I never even knew he was gay- I just assumed."

"It's not CONTAGIOUS," Carlos said. "If it was, I'd be like, a flamer by now."

"Look, asshole, this is hard enough without you adding commentary," Kendall snapped. Carlos' lips formed a line and he went back to his work.

"Is all this coming from you or your therapist?" James asked.

"My therapist."

"Figures."

"So whether you forgive me or not, I'm still gonna be a shitface," Kendall said to Logan.

Logan said nothing, only nodded a little and looked back down at his painting which he didn't much want to finish anymore.

* * *

At dinner, James ate a few bites of Logan's spaghetti along with his protein shake.

Afterward, they sat in their hiding spot beside Logan's bed, Carlos off in the TV room.

"I'm gonna miss you," Logan said softly, James' arm around his waist holding him close.

"Well… I'll have Carlos," James assured. "And I'm improving a whole lot- they'll let me out soon enough."

"Don't give up, okay?"

"I won't."

"You have to eat."

"I'm taking baby steps."

Logan smiled a little, looking unconvinced at James.

"I won't have you to help me out," James said. "But… Carlos'll help."

"Promise you'll go to him?"

"I want to get outta here. Will you wait for me?"

Logan looked confused, not knowing what he meant.

"I mean… I can't stop you from starting to date someone, but I'd love if you waited for me to get out," James said. "I know you're a horny bastard and all, but-"

"I'll wait."

James grinned and kissed Logan's nose.

"We can go on dates," he said happily. "To the movies, or to the zoo, or just hanging out, watching a movie."

"Like… Boyfriends?"

"I mean, if that's what you want. But we don't have to be that if you're uncomfortable."

Logan thought about this for a second. He had never had a boyfriend before. Someone to cuddle him and pick him up for dates and pay for meals and sneak through his window at night. He liked that idea, and James could show him the way, having had a boyfriend before.

"We can be just friends if you want to date someone else, or a lot of other people. Now that you're on meds, you're a catch. Sure, you don't really talk, but you're super hot. And if you DO wanna do that, I mean, we can just hang as buddies."

"You'd be sad," Logan said simply.

"Yeah, for a while. But I guess I might find some dates of my own eventually."

"I don't like other boys," Logan said with a shrug. This made James grin and feel fuzzy, like somehow he had earned Logan's heart and nobody could steal it.

"I'm going to college in the fall- medical school," Logan said softly. "We can get an apartment."

"You would want that?" James asked excitedly. "To live together?"

Logan grinned and shrugged.

"Me, too," James beamed. "What time are you leaving tomorrow?"

"Before group."

"That's early," James said, energy level going down. "Don't leave before saying goodbye, okay?"

Logan smiled and shook his head, indicating that he wouldn't leave without a kiss goodbye.

"Do you think… I could kiss you again?" James asked nervously. Logan grinned and lifted his face to press his lips to James'.

After a few seconds, James pulled away a little, his lips only centimeters from Logan's.

"I'm glad you're better," he said softly. "And if you find someone else… It's okay."

Logan's hand rose to pull James' face to his again, ready for it to get heated like it had last night.

"As long as he's hot. You need someone hot. Don't settle, Logan."

Logan giggled, not understanding why James was so sure Logan would find someone else. James was perfect. Why would he date other people?

"And use protection. You never know what people might have. There're a lot of STD's."

Logan took the opportunity to stick his tongue into James' mouth, catching James by surprise. He didn't walk anymore, enjoying the taste of Logan and the way Logan's hand trailed down his stomach and to his zipper.

How long had it been since James had sex?

He wanted this. But he and Logan had only known each other for a short amount of time. Not to mention Carlos would be back soon, and he wouldn't enjoy walking in on that.

He reached down to take Logan's hand and weave their fingers together, not wanting to break the kiss to tell Logan not to go too far.

Carlos came into the room casually, freezing at the sight.

"Aaaawe," he melted, making James jump and his head snap his way. Logan kept kissing James' cheek, his jaw, his neck, like nothing was wrong.

James turned red with embarrassment and Carlos winked.

"It's about time. You guys are so cute," Carlos said casually, going into the room.

"Logan-" James said quietly, trying to pull away.

"No," Logan said stubbornly, pulling James to him again, kissing his skin hungrily. James laughed and pulled Logan's face up to kiss him once more before getting up.

"You didn't have to stop," Carlos said, plopping down on Logan's bed as James sat on it. "I thought it was cute."

Logan got up, mouth in an angry line as he shoved the pillow over Carlos' face for interrupting them. Carlos laughed and hit his roommate with the pillow.

"Think I could get some of that, Logan?" Carlos smirked.

"Oh, I'll give you something alright," Logan grumbled.

* * *

**Okay.**

**Now we see Logan in the real world and James without him.**

**It should be interesting. :D**

**A few of you have submitted story ideas to me, and thank you so much! If anyone as any ideas, you can PM me or leave it in a review or whatever and I'll take your idea into consideration when I'm picking a new story to write. **

**Oh, and I go back to school Monday, so I'll be doing things other than writing. That means probably no more every day updates. Sorry.**


	7. Free

**Dear penaschmidt,**

**I'm so sorry. I'm just a high school student trying to make it in the fanfiction world! I totally knew the binge eating thing, I guess I forgot. I just thought that it was just when a person makes themselves throw up or they take laxatives, I forgot about the binge eating thing.**

**So just to clarify to everyone, James in this story is much more anorexic than he is bulimic. I'm uneducated about eating disorders, and I'm sorry I have failed you. If you're still confused, read penaschmidt's review on the last chapter, she explains it better than me.**

**Thanks, penaschmidt, for letting me know. :D **

* * *

Mrs. Mitchell smiled widely as her son walked out of the doors leading back to the patient's rooms, his bag in his hand, the taste of James still on his lips and playing on his tongue.

She was surprised when Logan looked her in the eyes and grinned.

She was shocked when he came to her and gave her a long hug.

She was on the verge of a heart attack when he whispered in her ear "I missed you".

"I missed you, too, baby," Joanna whispered, hugging her son tight. She missed how he used to be- outgoing and sassy and protective of her. How would she react to Turner when she introduced them?

They separated and Logan grabbed his bag as they walked out the door, his mother having already signed release papers.

Logan stepped out into the warm sunshine, taking a deep breath of the Minnesota summer air, the thought of James back there alone temporarily gone from his mind.

"How about we go grab some breakfast?" Joanna suggested. Logan nodded, his heart soaring. He was free. He was just like everyone else- able to go out in public, order food on his own, go into stores, and scope out attractive people.

He felt bad for the last one, considering he told James he would wait for him, but what harm was there in finding someone attractive? It's not like he would ask them on a date. He just never really got to be a real teenager and never got to take advantage of his looks.

* * *

James sat at his usual spot in group, staring at the empty chair that Logan should occupy. Now he had nobody to make silly faces to, nobody to smile at from across the circle.

"James, you seem upset," Nina noted. "How about you start us off?"

"Logan was released today. I'm happy for him- he gets to be free- but he was really helping me get better, you know? It's gonna be hard without his support," James said, looking from the chair to her.

"But he has me," Carlos pointed out. "Logan made me promise to make sure James was okay and that he was improving."

"Wow. So you guys got through to Logan?"

"We were roommates," Carlos said. "He was scared of me for a long time. Scared of James, too. But eventually he started being more comfortable and he even talked a little bit to us."

"Wow," Nin said in surprise.

"He said he'd visit us," James said. "But I don't blame him if he doesn't."

"He will," Carlos assured.

James shrugged and lowered his eyes as Nina changed the subject.

* * *

Logan munched on a piece of bacon, looking over his mother's shoulder as a blonde teenager stared at him. His mother was talking to him, and he was listening, but this girl had been staring for a long time. They were eating at a breakfast restaurant not far from the hospital.

He waved a little and she smiled and waved back.

"Logan?"

His attention snapped back at his mother, who turned and looked at the girl before looking at her son.

"I'm glad you're back into the dating world," she smiled. "You should try to find a nice girl."

Logan shook his head.

"I'm gay," he said simply without hesitation. His mother paused, taken off guard.

"And how do you know this?" she asked hesitantly. Of course she would support him no matter what, but she had heard of teenagers sometimes mistaking themselves as homosexual to get attention.

"I like a boy," he said proudly, taking another bite of bacon.

"Oh really? And you met him in the hospital?"

Logan nodded.

"What's his name?"

"James."

Joanna nodded a little, and Logan knew she thought he was unsure.

"We kissed," he said. "A lot."

"Okay, Logan," Joanna laughed. "I get it."

Logan smiled and continued with his meal.

"I missed talking to you, Logan. It's been lonely the past few years," she said.

Logan smiled up at his poor mother. She's dealt with all his crap all this time, and still she loved him to bits.

Joanna looked down at her phone and smiled.

"He's here," she said, looking up at the door. Logan followed her gaze, confused.

"Who?"

Joanna got up and hurried to the door, hugging a tall, thin man wearing a suit.

_Oh shit._

_No._

_Please no._

Joanna took the man's hand and pulled him excitedly over to Logan.

* * *

"C'mon, man, let's do something FUN," Carlos pleaded, slapping James' stomach. James laid on the bed, feeling depressed, and Carlos was desperate to cheer him up.

"I just wanna mope," James grumbled.

"Why? Moping's not gonna bring Logan back. Let's go swim!"

James sighed and got up. He DID love swimming- it was fun and a great source of exercise.

Ten minutes later, Carlos was cannonballing into the cool water in the indoor swimming pool, splashing a few other people that were there.

"C'mon, man, it feels AWESOME!" he called to James.

James hopped into the water, letting himself stay beneath the water instead of popping back up to the air. He liked the way he could hear muffled voices and splashes, his hair tickling his forehead, his body floating in space. He had always wanted to kiss someone underwater, but he guessed that had to wait. He also loved how easy it would be to take in a deep breath and sink to the bottom, forgotten, free… Finally he ran out of air and came back up.

He found that playing water volleyball with Carlos and a few other people cheered him up a lot and got his mind off of Logan.

* * *

Logan stood, staring up at the tall man who smiled down at him with kind ice blue eyes.

"Logie, this is my boyfriend, Turner," Joanna said, laying a hand on Turner's chest. Logan's eyes flicked from his mother to this man in the suit with the short grey and black hair. "We started seeing each other only three month before you went to the hospital."

Logan was speechless. Not only because he didn't want this man to hear him speak, but also because he was hurt that his mother hid this man from him.

The man offered a friendly hand to shake, but all Logan could do was stare at it, dumbfounded.

Images flashed through Logan's mind.

His father's evil black eyes, staring down at him as his hand pulled back and struck Logan in the side of the head. His mother on the ground, his father kicking her in the ribs as Logan sat curled up in the corner of the room, sobbing. His father taking Logan by the wrist and pulling him to his bedroom, throwing him in and locking the door. The look on his father's face when Logan told him off. The blood pooling on the kitchen floor, streaming from Logan's mouth and nose. His mother crying and shaking him, telling him it would be okay, and that the ambulance and the police were coming.

"He's sensitive to men since his father," Joanna explained, and the man dropped his hand.

They sat down and the man ordered a coffee.

"Don't be angry, Logan, can you blame me for not telling you?" Joanna asked from across the circular table.

Logan gave her a look like "bitch, PLEASE", and she sighed and turned back to her food.

"So, Logan, I hear you're going to college in the fall," Turner said, his voice deep and velvety, no trace of threat to be found. Still Logan didn't want his mother with this man. Especially since he was moving out soon and he wouldn't be there to protect her.

Logan ignored the remark, but his mother answered for him.

"He's going to medical school, aren't you, honey?" she said. "He wants to be a doctor."

"A doctor? Big dreams. You know, Logan, I used to be a doctor."

Logan looked up at the man. He didn't seem like the type that would cure ailments in a long white coat. He seemed more like a mortician to Logan. Despite his friendliness and obvious chipper personality, Logan hated him.

"I retired after my divorce, though. Now my daughter and I live just a few blocks from here. I just came from a court hearing- I have full custody of my daughter now."

"Logan, you would like Darla. She's 18, like you."

Suddenly it was too much for Logan. He would have been fine if all this happened in a span of a few days, but in one hour he was forced to say goodbye to James, left the hospital, came out to his mother, found out she had a boyfriend, and now his mother was trying to force this stranger's daughter on him.

Logan wiped his mouth and got up.

"Logan, please sit down," Joanna pleaded.

Logan opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

Logan wanted to walk down to the hospital and talk to James and Carlos. He wanted to sit and watch James sketch something and listen to Carlos hum to himself, in his own little world.

But it wasn't visiting hour.

He shrugged a little and pushed in his chair, going for the door. He needed air.

Logan could feel anxiety building up in him, despite the fact that he had taken his medications that morning and even had bottles of them in his bag. His eyes avoided other people and stuck to the gum-paved sidewalk, his fingers clawing at themselves and pealing back the skin beside his fingernails.

He tried to use his techniques.

He took deep breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth, closing his eyes.

He stuffed his thumbs in his pockets so he couldn't hurt his fingers anymore.

"It's all okay, Logan," he whispered. "I can get through this."

He opened his eyes to find people walking past him on the sidewalk. The tightness in his stomach was relieved a little bit, and he licked his lips, hoping to find any trace of the sweet taste of James, but finding only the flavor of bacon and eggs.

He turned and looked at his mother and Turner through the glass. She seemed happy with him, and he really is a nice guy. Logan should go in there and join them again. Maybe Turner could tell him a few things about being a doctor.

Logan entered the restaurant again and slowly sat down.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Joanna asked as if she didn't know what was going on. Logan nodded a little and continued with his meal, which was mostly cold now.

"I know that you've had a horrible experience with your father, Logan, and I want to make it clear that I would never do anything to hurt you or your mother," Turner said sincerely, putting a hand on Logan's wrist and making him jump away from it.

Logan nodded a little bit and pushed his plate away from him, losing his appetite.

"Alright, well I suppose we should pay and get on home," Joanna said. "Logan's had a big day so far, I guess he just wants to settle down, don't you, sweetie?"

Logan nodded gratefully and his mother started searching her purse for her wallet.

"Please, honey, let me get it. You two should get going," Turner said. Joanna grinned and nodded, standing up. Logan stood, too, and looked away as his mother and Turner kissed goodbye.

"It was nice meeting you, Logan," Turner said, clapping a hand on Logan's shoulder.

Logan looked up and smiled a little bit, nodding.

"A man of little words. I like that," Turner laughed.

"Well we'll have to get together with you and Darla sometime soon," Joanna said.

* * *

"Do you think that you and Logan'll date once you're out?" Carlos asked at lunch, sitting beside James.

"He says he'll wait for me, but I can't blame him if he doesn't. I mean, judging by how much he loves hugging and kissing and cuddling, maybe he CAN'T wait for me, you know?"

"Maybe. Do you date?"

"Nah- not since Patrick. You?"

"Oh yeah. I try. But I get nervous on dates and sometimes Robin comes out and, you know, I guess it gets freaky for the girl and obviously they don't want a second date," Carlos laughed a little.

Yes, Carlos laughed, but James knew he was just a sad little man on the inside.

"I had this girlfriend a long time ago. She knew all about my condition and everything, and she only stayed with me for Robin because she liked him. But then I got him under control and she dumped me," Carlos said.

"That sucks."

"The worst part is, I'm pretty sure Robin's batting for the other team," Carlos laughed.

"How would you know that?"

"Gay porn on my computer. I mean, maybe he's just into that, but I dunno, it doesn't seem likely for a straight guy to get off to gay porn," Carlos shrugged. This sent James into a fit of laughter, making Carlos laugh, too.

"Are you gonna eat your banana, man? You should. I told Logan I'd make sure you ate something every day," Carlos said after their giggles had subsided. James looked down at his banana sitting there beside his protein shake.

"I don't want to," he said.

"Why?"

"Because I'm sad, and when I'm sad I don't eat," James said simply. "Or I eat and puke it up."

"Will you eat some dinner later, then?"

"Maybe… These protein shakes have made me gain three pounds since I got here," James said in disgust.

"That's great!"

"No it's not…"

"Yes it is. I'm proud of you."

James looked up at the smiling Carlos and had to smile a little.

"Thanks. You have no idea how much that means," he said.

* * *

Logan started to enter his bedroom, but found it too full of painful memories.

Memories of him sitting in the corner crying. Memories of him in that bathroom pressing his blade into his thigh. Memories of his blood dripping in little dots on the linoleum. The posters of hockey players and bands like Aerosmith were full of painful memories, just because they were associated with his old life.

He dropped his bag and turned around.

"Did you get unpacked?" Joanna asked as Logan sat on the couch beside her.

"I want to move out," he said softly, looking at her sorrowfully. His mother didn't look crushed or sad, but understanding.

"We'll find you an apartment before school starts," she said, her hand rubbing soothingly up and down his thigh before patting his knee.

"With James," he added.

"Honey, I don't think James will want to move in with you."

"He told me he did."

"You were both in a hard place at that hospital. You found comfort in each other. I think that's all it was."

Logan looked at her, offended. How could she say such things? She didn't know James!

"I'm telling you this so that you don't get your heart broken," she said quietly. "Once he's out of that hospital, he'll have his own family, his own home, maybe even his own boyfriend or girlfriend to live with, and he'll forget about you."

"You don't know," Logan said defensively.

"You're right, Logan," she said boredly. "I don't."

"He likes me."

"Okay, Logan."

"Mom!"

Logan was yelling. Well, he was really just up to a normal voice level, which was like yelling for him.

"I'm just saying, Logan! You're in the real world now, and you have to get out of that fantasy."

Logan huffed and crossed his arms, turning to the TV angrily. He had made himself promise a long time ago that he would never fight with his mother. Fighting, he learned from his father, could lead to violence, and he would never hurt his mother. He hadn't even fought being admitted to the hospital- he let it happen peacefully.

He knew she was wrong, though. James would want to have a life with Logan once he was out- they had discussed it. They would live together and go on dates and James would be his boyfriend. That was the plan.

"You'll see," he grumbled.

"I guess I will."

* * *

"James, Carlos, there's a phone call for you," Jo said, popping her head into Carlos' room.

"Logan!" James cheered happily, popping up and dragging Carlos to the phone room.

Carlos snatched the phone before James could.

"Logan?" he answered.

"Hey, Carlos," Logan said, a smile in his voice. James took the phone and pressed it to his ear.

"Logan!"

"Hey, you."

James sunk to a chair, murmuring voices of other people on phones around them being zoned out.

"How is it?" James asked. "Out there."

"Scary."

"Yeah? But are you okay?"

"Mom has a boyfriend," Logan said quietly. He was walking down the sidewalk in his neighborhood, taking to James on his cell phone.

"Is he nice?"

It hit Logan that James didn't know about Logan's real dad, or any of Logan's past.

"Yeah," he said. "He's okay."

"It sucks here without you," James said glumly.

"Don't say that."

Carlos snatched the phone.

"Logan! Are people riding hovercrafts out there?"

"What? No," Logan answered with a chuckle.

"Why would you think that?" James laughed.

"I haven't been outta here for a while!" Carlos said in defense.

"Hey, Los? Can I talk to James?"

Carlos sighed, but he should have seen it coming.

"Sure. I'll talk to you later, man. I love you!"

"Bye," Logan laughed, and the phone was handed off and Carlos left.

"Hey, you," James said sweetly, curling up in the chair.

"I came out to my mom," Logan said.

"You… You think you're gay?"

"Yeah?"

"Well I mean, you told me you like ME, but I'm only one guy. Do you like other guys?"

Logan was silent, puzzled.

"How'd she take it?" James asked.

"She was okay," Logan answered. He hated talking on the phone- James couldn't see him nod or shake his head or shrug- he HAD to talk.

"My mom was, too. I never told her- I just brought Patrick around one night holding his hand and, well, Patrick is OBVIOUSLY gay, so she got it. She was sorta happy- said that gay men make the best models. But she was mad that she wouldn't have beautiful Diamond grandbabies, but I can adopt, right?"

"That's funny."

"I guess."

"Mom thinks that your feelings aren't real and that you'll break my heart."

James was silent, slightly offended by this woman's accusations.

"You don't believe that, right?" James asked.

"Is it true?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Are you still into getting together once I'm out?"

"If you are."

"Of course I am. Why are you acting like I'm fake or something?"

"I'm sorry," Logan said. "I trust you."

"Logan… If you're over me already, just say so," James said gently.

"I'm not. I miss you."

James smiled bashfully and bit his lip.

"I miss you, too."

"I need to go."

"Me, too."

"Eat dinner."

"I will. Carlos is up my ass about it."

"Good."

"Okay…"

Both thought there should be something to say before "goodbye". Something like "I love you", but of course that couldn't be it.

"Talk to you later?" James asked.

"Yeah. Bye."

"Bye."

Logan hung up the phone afraid that it wouldn't be as easy as it seemed to maintain a "relationship" like this, and continuing after James was out.

James hung up, unsure with his feelings. He had to make sure Logan knew that his feelings were real- he couldn't lose Logan before he even had him.

* * *

**I know this is a shock to you guys, but, oh my God, I'm going out with friends tonight.**

**WOW!**

**So this was a tacked-on ending because I wanted to post it before I left, and I hope you liked it. :D**

**It's gonna be an exciting journey! **

**By the way, for a few chapters I was SO tempted to make Logan a figment of James' imagination. I mean- duh. Logan only talks to James- kinda like "oooh… okay, James. What's 'Logan' saying?" like an imaginary friend or something.**

**But no. I shall not do that to you, dear readers. I just liked that idea. :D**


	8. Not Ready

**So I think I broke my FanFiction, because every time I clicked on Manage Stories, this error message would pop up. All day. And I did what it told me to- I had to email this thing to this address, but it didn't work. So it's finally working now, thank God.**

**Oh, and I was supposed to go back to school yesterday, but it was cancelled yesterday and today due to negative temps. I sorta got depressed yesterday and didn't write much- I was mad about the whole Penavega thing, but I'm fine now, I still love my Carlos and I'm happy that all our boys were groomsmen and all is well. Please don't get mad because I was upset about the Penavega thing. A lot of people get mad about that, but you guys shouldn't because I'm over it now. Just enjoy the story! :)**

* * *

It had been a week and James and Carlos hadn't seen Logan.

He had called once more since he left, but that was the day after he was released, and they hadn't heard from him since. James was panicking- had Logan already forgotten about him?

"Why do you assume he found another person to date?" Dr. Andry asked James at one-on-one after he had poured his heart out to her about the matter.

"Because Logan loves affection, and I don't think he could go long without it," James said. "And who wants to wait on a hot mess with an eating disorder to get out of a mental hospital?"

"Haven't you talked about getting an apartment together?"

"Yeah. Last he called me, everything was great. He told me he was looking at apartments and starting to pack- school's starting up soon. And he told me he missed me, and it was so sweet. There wasn't a doubt in my mind we were perfect."

"Perhaps he is just busy. With packing and looking at apartments."

James shrugged a little.

"How is your condition?"

"Okay… But not by choice. Carlos basically force-feeds me, then he practically holds my hand the whole time afterward to make sure I don't throw up. He actually went into the bathroom with me a few times while I peed."

"Sounds like a good friend," Dr. Andry said.

"He's a wonderful friend and I'm lucky to have him. Carlos knows that I need to get out of here, and he's helping me because he loves me," James said.

"The question is, once you're out, will you stay better?"

"Good question, doc, and the answer is: I don't know."

"It seems to me like you're being manually improved."

"So then…?"

"We need to get to the stem of the problem. Your mother."

"No. I'm fine! I'm getting better!"

"She is the source of you depression, your anorexia, or fears, your low self-confidence. I didn't want to do it, but it's necessary. I see how much you want to leave and find Logan, and I want that to happen as quickly and as effectively as possible."

"My mom'll only make it worse."

"She's already here, James."

"You bitch!" James squeaked.

"Don't you love her?"

"I love her with all my heart, but she's a witch! Her being here and talking to you will only make me worse."

"I think you're afraid of her."

James huffed and crossed his arms. So what if he was scared of her? Who wasn't afraid of Brooke Diamond?

* * *

Logan stared at the girl before him.

Darla.

Darla, Turner's daughter, who was short and innocent looking. Like the stereotypical Christian schoolgirl, with her blonde hair in a neat ponytail, minimal makeup on, wearing a sundress that was buttoned up to cover her cleavage nicely, a cross necklace over her breastbone.

"It's so nice to meet you, Logan, I've heard so much about you," she said sweetly, offering her hand. He stared at the tiny hand with the nails painted pink, a chastity ring on her finger. After a while she dropped her hand awkwardly.

She turned to Joanna and smiled sweetly.

"Can I help you with supper, Joanna?"

"That's okay, Darla, your father is helping," Joanna smiled. "You two get to know each other a bit and dinner will be done very soon."

With that, Joanna and Turner disappeared, leaving Logan and Darla alone.

Darla's crystal blue eyes darted to Logan mischievously and she walked past him to the back hallway where the bedrooms were.

Where the HELL does she think she's going?

Logan glanced back toward the kitchen, finding that nobody was there, and sighed to himself before following her. He didn't want her to get into his stuff.

He found her entering his room and he angrily hurried there.

"Hm- it's cozy in here," Darla said, looking around. Logan gently took her wrist and tried pulling her out, but she didn't budge. Instead she managed to pull HIM closer, dangerously close.

"Daddy tells me you think you're gay," she said, her tone low and sexy, cocking a brow. Logan pulled away, staring at her in astonishment. She was NOT who she led on to be.

Darla bit her lip and stepped closer, making Logan step back.

"I think you're cute, so I don't care that you're gay," she said, snagging the front of his t-shirt and stepping closer. "Daddy also says that you don't talk. That's good- you won't make a peep."

With that, her soft lips attacked his.

Logan ripped away, staring at her with wide eyes as she licked her lips.

"You're tasty," she giggled as she turned toward his desk. Logan wanted to leave- run away and tell his mother about this- but Darla would surely go through his things.

She opened a drawer, rifling through the pens and pencil inside. Logan hurriedly caught her wrist, giving her a look to kill.

"I'm just looking for your porn," she giggled, using her other hand to open another drawer.

Logan didn't have anything bad for her to find, but he liked his privacy.

"I bet you like guy-on-guy, don't you?" she giggled as he pulled her away. "Do you jack off to it? I bet you taste yummy down there."

Logan's jaw dropped. This girl- this perfect Christian girl- was more Satan than an angel.

"Are you REALLY gay?" Darla asked, eyes squinted.

Logan nodded angrily, trying to pull her away, but she again pulled him to her and held his shirt.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

Logan nodded. It was a lie, but he didn't want her to try to kiss him again.

"What's his name?" she asked, not convinced.

Logan tried to pry her fingers from his shirt.

"I think you're lying to me," she said, kissing his jaw. Logan struggled, but Darla kept hold. "What's his name, Logan?"

Darla shoved Logan up against the wall, attacking his neck with her lips.

"This isn't my first rodeo, you know," she said lowly, her hand unbuttoning a few buttons on her dress. "Daddy thinks I'm sweet and innocent, but I've done plenty of guys. And girls. So Logan, what's your boyfriend's name?"

Logan squeaked, trying desperately to get her away from him, but she kept kissing his neck, up her jaw, and was about to kiss his lips.

"LOGAN! DARLA! DINNER IS READY!" Joanna called just as Darla forced a kiss to Logan's lips.

"We'll continue this another time," Darla smirked, biting her lip and cocking her brow. She backed away to button up her dress and fix her hair, and Logan bolted.

* * *

James hugged her mother tightly, a good half a foot taller than her without heals, two inches taller with the heals she had on now.

"Hey, Mom," he said. He really did miss her, even if she WAS the Wicked Witch of the Makeup Industry. She had raised him without his father, and although he was REALLY fucked up, he was a mama's boy at heart.

They sat beside each other on the couch across from Dr. Andry after Brooke shook the therapist's hand.

"So how much longer will he be here, doctor, he's costing me a lot of money each day he's trapped," Brooke said, her hand on her son's knee.

"Well if all goes well here, I think we could do another food test tomorrow and he may be released the next day," Dr. Andry smiled.

"Fantastic," Brooke said with bitter sweetness.

"So Brooke. Tell me about your relationship with your son."

"We're very close. His father left us when Jamie was only 3 months old- that's okay. He wouldn't have been a good father anyway. So I raised Jamie on my own. He's modeled a little for my makeup company and although I'm not home a lot, we always go out to dinner together on Fridays."

"That's fantastic."

"And I hear that I'm the center of all his problems, but I don't think so. His father was the one that had mental illness in his bloodline," Brooke said stubbornly.

"Eating disorders are not genetic, Mrs. Diamond," Dr. Andry said smartly. "James, why don't you tell your mother about how you feel she is a part of your condition?"

James hesitated. He hated hurting his mother as much as the next guy, but hurting Brooke Diamond had consequences in one way or another, and he hated that.

"Mom… Since I was a little kid, you've told me I was beautiful. It was like you were proud for that, that that's rare for you. You made it seem like if I ever became flawed, you may hate me for it," James said softly, feeling his voice catch. He hated talking about this. "When I hit puberty, I got taller and my face got more defined and my voice got deeper, and you always told me that I was more beautiful then. But eventually I started gaining weight. I don't know if you remember, but one day you came home from a trip and told me that I had put on a few pounds and that my face was getting fat. You left and you told me that I should watch what I eat before I get fat."

James paused for a second, running his hand through his hair. Even then, Brooke's hand shot up to fix what her son had messed up. He didn't know what he got so emotional when he talked about this. He started to continue, looking up into his mother's hazel eyes rimmed with thick makeup.

"After that, I started seeing myself as just this huge, fat, ugly person. I guess your opinion is that important to me. I tried dieting and exercising, but I kept gaining weight. Eventually… I just stopped eating. And that worked. And you looked at me and you told me I looked very handsome, and we did a photo shoot and you seemed so proud of me. I still didn't eat. And then I started to get depressed, and I started eating a lot again. I found that when I eat and then make myself throw it up, it makes the sadness go away. Dr. Andry says that it's because it distracts me from my sadness."

Brooke stared at her son calmly.

"Why didn't you tell me that this was my fault?" she asked.

"Because I didn't know until Dr. Andry helped me figure it out."

"Brooke, did you know about his disorder?" Dr. Andry asked.

"I didn't."

"How did you find out?"

"He called me on a trip and told me he was going to the hospital," she said, looking over at James, who was wiping his tears away. "He told me he's not well and that he needs help. Then he told me about his disorder and his depression."

"That was very brave of you, James," Dr. Andry said.

"It was the hardest thing I ever had to do," James said, tears rolling down his cheeks. "But I was so sad… I wanted to die. But I was too scared to die, so I came here."

Suddenly Brooke was furiously trying to force back tears.

"You're getting emotional, Mrs. Diamond. Can you tell James what you're feeling now?"

Brooke looked to her son.

"Is it the anti-wrinkle cream?" James asked. He knew that always made her cry.

"No," Brooke smiled a little, her hand rising to wipe at her tears. "I'm really crying."

"Why?"

"Well no mother wants to hear that their child wants to die," she said weakly. James took her under his arm soothingly. "That's scary. What if you had killed yourself while I was away? I would be destroyed, James."

"Do you hear that?" Dr. Andry asked. "She would be destroyed if you died."

"I wish I was there for you more," Brooke said.

"Me, too," James murmured.

They sat in silence for a while before Dr. Andry spoke.

"I think what James needs most is closure," she said softly. "From you, Brooke."

James let go of his mother and she straightened up, wiping her eyes carefully, not disturbing the makeup.

"I want you two to face on another and hold hands."

They were slightly embarrassed, but they did so, Brooke's hands in James' big ones.

"Brooke, you have to tell your son that he is perfect as he is," Dr. Andry said softly. Brooke sniffled and looked up into her son's eyes.

"James, you will always be perfect in my eyes, and I'm so sorry I never told you that. Even if you DID let yourself go and get fat, I would still love you."

"Really?" James asked, eyes full of tears. He honestly couldn't believe that.

"I promise. I'm your mother, James, I'll love you no matter what. And I think you would still be handsome as a chunky boy."

James laughed tearfully and squeezed his mother's hands.

"James, how are you feeling now?" Dr. Andry asked.

"Pretty damn good," James choked. His mother's hands slipped from his and she hugged him.

"I'm taking you home today, James," she said softly. "You don't need to be here."

* * *

Robin took out all of Carlos' clothes from the drawers in order to fold them and neatly organize them. He looked out the window, smiling a little at the view of the flower garden outside.

Poor Carlos. He really should be upstairs with the mentally unstable, but he had improved so much. He went from rocking himself in the corner of the room, humming, staring off into space, to only humming. Happily, at that.

Carlos had gone into hiding in his head a half hour ago after being told that his father was diagnosed with cancer. Although not serious and very treatable, Carlos was worried about it and Robin had come out. Robin was able to see the rational side of it- his father had minor skin cancer and it would be removed and he would be fine.

"Carlos?" came a voice, and Robin turned to see James with a bag in his hand, looking sad.

"Think again," Robin said.

"Robin?"

"Are you leaving?" Robin asked, walking over to James.

"Yeah… Mom ordered me out, said I don't need to be here," James said sadly.

"That's bullshit."

"I'm getting better, but I'm just not there yet, you know? I don't think I'm ready, but what am I supposed to do?"

"Are you gonna find Logan?" Robin asked.

"I have no clue where he is," James said. "I don't even know his parents' names, so how do I find him in the phone book?"

"And the front office can't give you information."

"If he comes to visit Carlos, make sure he gets my number," James said, giving Robin a piece of paper with numbers on it.

"I will," Robin said sadly.

"I wish Carlos was here. You're great and all, but he'll be destroyed when he comes to and I'm suddenly not here. He'da liked to say goodbye."

"I'll write him a note."

James nodded a little, hugging Robin.

"And make sure Los gets my number, too. And tell him I said thank you a whole lot and I'll visit."

Robin nodded and watched as James took his bag and left.

* * *

Logan laid in bed that night, thinking about how good it would feel to have someone laying next to him, maybe cuddled up to him. Or maybe Logan would like to cuddle up to them- feel their warmth and hold them to him.

James would be perfect.

Logan had found an apartment within walking distance of the college. It was pretty small- it had two bedrooms, a kitchen, living room, bathroom, and modern appliances. Rent was a bit pricey, but his mother told him that she would help with that until he got things under control.

He wanted to tell James about the apartment and see James get excited about it. He wanted to share that apartment with James. They would start of in separate bedrooms, but eventually they would sleep together in one. Maybe once Carlos gets out of the hospital, he could move in with them and help pay rent.

He missed James like crazy. He missed his voice, his laugh, his touch, his eyes, his teeth, and most of all, his kiss. Darla's kiss wasn't the same as James'- probably because it was so unwelcome.

Logan hadn't talked to James or Carlos for days, and he felt bad about it. He found that he wasn't ready to visit them at the hospital- he didn't want to go there. He had tried calling a few times, but the lines were always full and he was told to call later, but by then his mother wanted to go out to dinner or something and he didn't get the chance.

He would have to suck it up and visit them tomorrow. He wanted to hold James' hand and hug him and kiss him. The visitation would take place in the cafeteria with lots of other people, so he would have to contain himself when they kiss. He would go in the afternoon visitation time.


	9. Don't Forget About Me

**Thank you guys SO SO SO SO SO much for your faithful reviews. :D I love when I get on and see a big long review telling me all of your favorite parts of a chapter. :) I'm so so so sorry I'm submitting my document now and can't go look up your name, but thanks, person who reviewed on the last chapter, for pointing out that I got everything about the hospital wrong. :D**

**By the way, is every else's Google Chrome changed and now there's no arrows to scroll with? THOSE ARROWS AT THE SCROLL BAR WERE MY LIFE WHAT THE HECK?!**

**Ok. Sorry. I hope you love the chapter and review!**

* * *

Carlos woke up late that night- it was midnight. Had he really been out for nine hours?

He got up and noticed that all of his things were neatly organized. _Thanks, Robin. You're a good fello, _he thought as he rubbed his face. The bed at the other side of the room was empty and made up, nothing on that side until another patient came as Logan had.

He went to get out some comfy PJ pants, but found a note on top of the dresser. It wasn't his handwriting, but he knew in a way he wrote it. Robin had left him a message.

_Don't worry about Dad- he'll be fine, I promise. I told Dr. Cook that we had switched and she documented it, so don't worry about that._

_James came by while you were out. I'm sorry, Carlos, but he was discharged. He said his mother had ordered him out and that he really wasn't ready, but he had to go. He wanted me to tell you that he's very thankful for you and he'll visit. I know he was your best friend, buddy, and he was sad to have to leave without saying goodbye to you. His number is 555-0123, and he wanted me to tell you to give it to Logan if he calls or visits, and that you can call him any time._

Carlos had never known Robin to lie, but he couldn't believe this. James couldn't be GONE. He wasn't all the way better!

He briskly walked out of the room and next door, looking in.

Sure enough, only James' roommate was in there sleeping, all of James' stuff gone and the bed neatly made.

"Fuck," Carlos hissed, walking absently down the hallway. He didn't know where he was going, but he didn't really care.

James was his best friend, and he just left. Carlos knew it wasn't his fault that he had to leave without saying goodbye, but it hurt. Now Carlos was alone.

He sat against the wall in the hallway as he started to cry.

"Guess it's just you and me, Robin. Again," he sniffled, bringing his knees to his chest.

Carlos felt like James and Logan would forget about him, like his other friends had when they were discharged. They would find each other and fall in love and get married and have babies, and Carlos would be forgotten. Even his parents forgot about him, it seemed like. He hadn't seen them for weeks.

Carlos leaned back against the wall as he let out a sob.

Suddenly a head popped out of the door to his right.

"I'm trying to sleep, ASSHOLE," Kendall hissed. Carlos looked at him pitifully, not moving. Kendall sighed and rolled his eyes, coming out to sit beside Carlos. "What's the deal?"

"James left," Carlos said sadly, wiping his cheeks with the palms of his hands.

"That's rough."

"Well, I'd be happy, but I didn't get to say goodbye. I alternated personalities and James had to say goodbye to Robin," Carlos said tearfully.

Kendall sighed, knowing he couldn't be an asshole to Carlos when he was so sad. Carlos was sweet and innocent. Besides- nobody was listening to them. Now he had to figure out how to be empathetic.

"But… He'll visit you. And call you," Kendall offered.

"Yeah… He says so. But I think once he finds Logan I won't see either of them again," Carlos said. Kendall put an awkward arm around Carlos' shoulders.

"Sometimes… People you love leave and it's nobody's fault," he said awkwardly. "And we just have to cope with the people we DO have."

"You sound like you speak from experience," Carlos sniffled.

"No," Kendall snapped, lying. Of course he was experienced- his father left him. Ruby left him. Now his mom and Katie left him here at this hospital. "I'm NOT experienced. I'm just trying to make you feel better."

Carlos didn't believe Kendall, but appreciated the gesture.

"And now I'm alone," Carlos sniffled.

"I was alone for a long time," Kendall said. "But then Jo came, and she's just like me. Maybe someone like you will come around."

"Are you and Jo a thing?" Carlos asked.

"Not yet. But she's hot, right?"

"I guess," Carlos laughed. He was surprised that Jo had gone for Kendall considering how much they fight and go at each other's throats. "Anyway, there ARE people like me here. But they're all upstairs, off their rockers."

"How come you're not?"

"I'm better at hiding my crazy," Carlos laughed.

"Well… Don't tell anyone I said this, but I'll look out for you, man. Until you get new friends."

Carlos laughed and shook his head.

"I thought you hated me."

"Well I hate everyone," Kendall said simply. "Until they prove that they're not so bad. And I guess you're okay. But look, dude. No homo. Cool?"

"No homo," Carlos laughed. "I like pussy."

Kendall burst into laughter and nodded.

"I like pussy, too," he giggled.

* * *

Logan sat at the table that he, James, and Carlos sat at to eat when Logan was in the hospital. He and a lot of other visitors waited as patients filed in, smiling and hugging their visitors.

Logan stood and grinned as Carlos approached him, hugging him tight.

Carlos sat across from him, smiling weakly.

"Where's James?" Logan asked, looking around.

"Oh…" Carlos eyes fell and stared at the table. "His mom made him leave."

Logan's jaw dropped. But… Logan had no idea where James was or how to contact him. He couldn't be gone!

Carlos remembered the phone number in his pocket, and suddenly he considered not even mentioning it to Logan. When he gave Logan that number, Carlos would be forgotten about. He would have no more friends. Carlos held so much power, and he was going to use it.

But then he looked up at Logan to find that he looked so troubled. He had his head bowed, fingers tangled in his hair. He raised his head and rubbed his face before looking at Carlos.

"I'll find a way to get to him…" he said unsurely. "But I wanted to ask you something."

"Really?" Carlos perked up.

"I'm moving into an apartment soon, and I think James is coming with me. And I wanted to know if, once you get out, you wanted to move in with us."

This was the longest sentence anyone had heard from him yet.

Carlos' eyes glowed and he grinned ear-to-ear. How could he ever think they would forget about him? Logan wanted to live with him!

Well, even if he had to pass, it was a great gesture.

"I have an apartment of my own, man," he said, slouching a little. "But can I still come over and party?"

Logan grinned and nodded silently.

Carlos reached into his back pocket for James' number. He had to do it in the name of love. And now that he knew that they wouldn't forget about him, there was no worry.

"James gave this to Robin to give to me to give to you," he said, sliding the number across the table. Logan looked confused and Carlos laughed. "Robin was out and about when he left. I… I didn't get to say goodbye."

Logan looked sad for Carlos as he unfolded the little paper.

"It's James' number," Carlos explained. Logan's face lit up. "So you can call him and see where he is."

"You weren't gonna give this to me," Logan said in suspicion.

"I wasn't… I was afraid once you guys got together, you would forget about me. But now I know you won't, and I saw how disappointed you were that James was gone."

Logan got up and Carlos rose to hug him.

"Thank you, Carlos," he said. "I promise I'll tell James to call or visit so you can say goodbye."

"You talk a lot more now," Carlos noted.

"Only to you. I haven't talked this much at home," Logan laughed.

"Yay! I'm special!"

Logan laughed and squeezed his friend.

"Go on and find him, man. I'll be here forever- he might not be wherever he is for too long," Carlos said, patting Logan's back.

"You better not be here forever," Logan laughed.

"I'll talk to you later, Logan. Thanks for coming by," Carlos said, pulling away. Logan grinned and kissed Carlos' forehead.

"Wow. That was weird," Carlos laughed.

"No- it would be weird if I kissed your lips."

"Okay, okay," Carlos giggled. "Go find your man."

* * *

"So tell me about this new guy," Mrs. Diamond said as she and James sat at their fancy restaurant and ate lunch.

"His name is Logan," James said half-heartedly. "He was in the hospital for anxiety problems and he doesn't talk to anyone but me and Carlos, so he's kinda shy, or maybe he just doesn't want to talk. He's really sassy, too."

"What's the matter, then?"

"I don't think he likes me as much as I like him," James grumbled.

"Who wouldn't?"

"I mean, I haven't even talked to him for days. And he told me we could get an apartment together, and yaddah yaddah, but like I said, he hasn't called or visited at all. Maybe he found someone else."

"If that's the case, he isn't good enough for you anyway."

James shrugged and took a bite of his chicken Alfredo.

* * *

_"Hey, this is James! Leave a message!"_

Logan growled in frustration as he hung up. He had been calling all day and leaving messages. Was James ignoring him?

He tossed his cell phone on his bed and reached up to continue taking posters off of his wall. He didn't want them anymore. Not that he didn't like Aerosmith or Pink Floyd anymore, but the posters reminded him of dark times and he wanted to get rid of them. Maybe he could give them to James, since he likes those bands, too.

The music played on the stereo as he tried not to rip to corners of the posters as he removed them. He hummed along, wanting to sing but not really in the mood. Besides, Turner was over and he might hear.

* * *

"Hey, Mom? Where's my phone?" James asked his mother, entering her home office. Her hazel eyes stayed on the computer screen as she opened a drawer of her desk and retrieved her son's iPhone, which he couldn't take to the hospital with him. She may or may not have gone through his messages and emails, but she would never tell him that.

He took it, noticing that it was dead.

"Thanks," he breathed as he exited. He hurried up to his room to plug it in, then turned on some tunes as he waited. His Aerosmith CD came on, making him sing along. It reminded him of Logan and the first time they were forced to talk. Logan had been wearing an Aerosmith shirt, and James had almost made him die by complimenting it.

James turned and looked at his room. It was big and colored red with a huge king-sized bed, a laptop and desk, big screen TV, and its own bathroom. Sketches littered the walls.

He wondered if he should start packing. Maybe he should wait and see if Logan was going to call… Had he visited Carlos yet? Did he have his phone number?

His guts seemed to go rotten at the thought of Logan never talking to him again. It was the sadness. He knew he wasn't ready to be out of the hospital.

James closed his eyes and tried to focus on the song.

_"And I don't wanna miss a thaang," _the stereo sung.

James growled and slammed the music off.

He needed a distraction that DIDN'T remind him of Logan that could stop James from going to the bathroom and letting all the rotten, depressing thoughts out through his mouth.

He would draw! That normally makes him feel better!

James sat at his desk and took out his charcoal pencil and sketchbook. He didn't know who he was drawing, he was just going at it. His pencil moved quickly, forming eyes, a nose, a smiling mouth.

The minute those dimples showed up, James knew exactly who he was sketching.

James popped up, throwing his pencil across the room and tearing the drawing out of the book, crumpling it up.

It was time he try to forget about Logan. If he really wanted him, Logan would have called by now.

James slowly approached the bathroom, trying to fight his habit, but being unable to. He knelt before the toilet and stared at the clear water inside. Ah yes, his old friend.

Suddenly he heard his phone ring, telling him he had a missed call. Then the ringtone started again, then again, then again, telling him that someone had called a LOT while his phone was dead. He got up curiously, approaching his now-alive phone and staring at it like it was possessed.

_"Missed Call From: 204-555-1946" _was listed down the phone nine times.

He had no idea who that was… But obviously they needed to talk to him if they called nine times.

James almost jumped out of his skin as the phone started to ring, the familiar number flashing on the screen. He hesitantly pressed "talk" and pressed the phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

"James?" came a familiar voice, very quiet and surprised.

"Logan!" James said happily almost jumping up and down.

"I called you like a billion times!" Logan sounded almost angry.

"My phone's been dead. I'm sorry. I've been so worried- I thought you didn't like me anymore!"

Logan chuckled and shook his head on the other end, sitting on his bed, looking at his empty walls.

"Can we meet somewhere? I have a lot to talk to you about," he said.

"That doesn't sound good…"

"James, I promise I still like you. A lot. I wanted to tell you about the apartment," Logan assured, making James' pent up anxiety release. "And maybe I wanted to make out a little bit."

Logan had to grin as he heard James burst into laughter.

"Wanna meet for dinner?" James asked.

"Where?"

"The Pink Pearl?"

"I was thinking more like Pizza Hut," Logan laughed. "The Pink Pearl is really expensive, right? It's got valet and you have to have fancy clothes and stuff?"

"Yeah… Maybe it's a bit extreme for a first date," James laughed bashfully. "But we can't go to PIZZA HUT. How about Olive Garden? Down by the mall?"

"Sounds good. I'll see you there- 6ish?"

"Okay," James beamed.

"Alright. I have to go, but I'll see you soon."

James hung up the phone and plopped down on his bed, his phone to his chest as he stared at the ceiling. He was so excited to be going out with Logan, talking about the future, MAKING OUT.

He had to get ready! He only had two hours before his big date!

* * *

**So don't try to call those phone numbers, because they are completely fake and won't work. James' number is the number from Bruce Almighty, and it belongs to God. And I just made Logan's up. But hey! If you call them and you're connected with James or Logan, let me know. :P**


	10. Date Night

**I hope you guys really enjoy this chapter. It's really cute and makes you feel all fuzzy inside. :)**

* * *

James sat at the table in the dim light, twirling his straw in his soda. He pressed the home button on his locked phone. 6:25.

He felt tears prickle in his eyes as the waitress approached yet again.

"Have you called her?" she asked sympathetically.

"Just give it 5 more minutes," James begged. The waitress sighed and nodded, patting his shoulder before leaving.

James put his head in his hands, trying not to cry. Wouldn't Logan have called if he was running late? James had never been stood up before, but he knew it just happened.

He looked up, about ready to leave, and was surprised to see Logan weaving through people, looking around.

_Shit, shit, shit, shit, did he leave? SHIT! Logan, you couldn't have been on time for ONCE?_

Logan frantically searched the tables, hoping James hadn't thought he stood him up. Logan might have left the house a little late, then had to stop and get gas. James had texted him and told him that his mom dropped him off because she was out anyway, so Logan wondered if he could even get home if he tried.

Finally he spotted his date, looking even more handsome than how he left him. His hair was made with mousse, pushed back with a charismatic swirl, James' eyes illuminated by the dim lamp hanging above the table. James' face glowed as he waved and grinned excitedly.

"I'm SO sorry," Logan pleaded, approaching the table. "I'm ALWAYS late."

James stood and hugged Logan tightly, never wanting to let go.

"I was about to leave," he said. "I thought you stood me up."

Logan pulled away a little, allowing James to kiss him, since Logan wasn't quite tall enough. That kiss gave James all the reassurance he needed- Logan was serious about them. He could tell by how tightly Logan held onto him, how firm he locked his lips with James', his nose pressed against his cheek. Logan had never kissed James without getting carried away, and frankly it felt weird to break the kiss after only a few seconds.

They sat down and the waitress approached.

"Is this… Her?" she asked James.

"Yeah, he's my date," James laughed. "He was running late."

Logan ordered a drink and made a quick decision on a meal.

James leaned forward onto the table, chin in his palm, gazing dreamily at Logan as he straightened up his hair and clothes, catching his breath. He looked stunning with his hair made and gelled up in a very neat fashion, a simple red t-shirt and jeans on. James had gone a bit fancier with a light blue flannel.

Finally Logan was settled in and he gave a thousand-watt grin to James.

"You look good," he noted.

"Back atcha, big guy." Actually, it had taken James more than an hour to shower, shave, gel his hair JUST perfect, spritz cologne in just the right places, pick an outfit, and get dressed.

"I missed you. Like, surprisingly a lot," Logan said, taking a sip of his drink.

"Gee, thanks," James said sarcastically.

"I mean, I didn't think it would be so hard to not see you, even for only a few days. So much happened since then- I don't even know where to start."

"Tell me about this apartment."

"Oh! Yeah! My mom's helping me pay for it, but I'm moving in next week," Logan said. "It's got two bedrooms and you know, a bathroom and kitchen and stuff. It's big and nice and it's walking distance from the college."

"Sounds awesome," James said. He wasn't sure if Logan still wanted to live together, so he said nothing about it.

"Have you talked to your mom about moving out?" Logan asked.

"No, but she wouldn't care."

"Do you still… WANT… To move in with me?" Logan asked.

"Of course I want to," James said with a dazzling smile. "As long as you want me to."

"You know I do. You should start talking to your mom about it and packing and stuff."

"When did you start talking so much?"

"Only to you and Carlos," Logan laughed. "I haven't talked this much in… Two years."

Soon the food came and Logan watched closely at the way James ate. He paced himself and left a lot more on his plate than a guy his size should, but Logan was happy with it.

"So what else happened?" James asked.

"I found out that my Mom has a new boyfriend," Logan said. "I mean, he's really cool- he used to be a doctor. But… I just feel like I have to protect Mom, you know?"

"Why?"

Logan looked up, realizing James honestly knew nothing about him.

"My dad… Wasn't a nice guy," he said slowly. "He beat my mom and me- he almost killed me the night he went to jail. That's why I have my problems."

James felt horrible for not even knowing THAT. He was head over heels for this guy, and he knew nothing about him.

"I'm sorry, Logan… I should have known that."

"How could you? I never brought it up at the hospital, and at the time I wouldn't have talked about it anyway." Logan didn't miss James seemingly taking it to heart. He reached across the table to touch James' hand. "That's what tonight is for. So we can actually get to know each other."

James smiled a little and nodded.

"My mom's boyfriend's name is Turner and he has a daughter my age- 18."

"You're 18?" James asked.

"Well… Yeah…" Logan said awkwardly. "How old are YOU?"

"I'm 25," James said, dead serious. He burst into laughter when Logan seemed to go pale, mouth hanging open. "Logan! I'm kidding! I'm only 19, man!"

Logan grinned and chuckled.

"You had me."

"No, I just figured you'd be older. You look older and act older- I was thinking 20 or 21."

"You like the older guys?" Logan asked in surprise.

"Patrick WAS 23- I was 18," James shrugged, making Logan's brows jump. Now that he thought about it, James was planning on getting married at 19? He had proposed just 6 months ago, and he was that young. "I'm sorry- go on about Turner?"

"That was about it," Logan shrugged. "He was a doctor- which I think is cool. He even told me a few things about the job."

"You wanna be a doctor?"

"Yeah. Ever since I was little. I'm going to college in the fall to start on that- I want to be either a cardiologist or a neurosurgeon or just a general doctor."

"Damn," James said in surprise.

"What about YOU?"

"Playgirl model," James said simply. Logan giggled, seeing that James was kidding. "No, but really I haven't thought much about that."

"You could go to college with me," Logan said.

"School isn't really my thing."

Logan shrugged and nodded. Although he loved an educated man, he could also see James being a housewife. Logan could come home from a long day at work and find that James had made dinner for him and cleaned up the house.

"So what happened to YOU?" Logan asked.

"Well the therapist called my mom to come and have a session with me. It helped a lot, but not all the way. And she made me come home- said I didn't NEED to be there and that it was costing her a lot with every day I was there. Not that we don't HAVE the money, but I guess that hospital is really luxurious and expensive."

"Carlos told me he didn't get to say goodbye."

"Robin says they just found out their dad has skin cancer, and even though there isn't any worry, Carlos flipped his shit and lost it. But I'm gonna go visit tomorrow," James said.

"I'm sorry I didn't visit- I was really busy."

"I figured," James shrugged.

"So is your mom married?"

"Hell no. I think I'm the only man to ever love her again since my dad."

"Your dad?" Logan egged.

"Yeah, he left when I was a kid. Like- MONTHS old. I guess he was an asshole, because what kind of a non-asshole leaves his girlfriend and baby son just because? Yeah- they weren't even married. But anyway, my mom's a witch and owns a makeup line- Brooke Diamond Cosmetics- and she's always away on business anyway."

"Your mom is Brooke Diamond?" Logan gaped.

"Yeah?"

"My mom wears her stuff! And she's all over the magazines! My gosh, James!"

James laughed and shook his head.

"Logan?" he was suddenly innocent, getting Logan's attention. "What's your last name?"

"Mitchell," Logan said. "Logan Mitchell."

"No middle name? Mine's Dylan, by the way."

"Well… It's embarrassing…"

"What? Is it like, Edgar or something?"

"No. Logan's my middle name," Logan said blushing. "My first name is…"

"Spit it out!"

"My first name is Hortense, okay?" Logan blurted. James covered his mouth, trying not to laugh because obviously Logan was defensive about it. "It's my dad's dad's name. My mom had passed out when she gave birth to me, so my dad had to name me. They had agreed on Logan Alexander, but my dad had other ideas, I guess. Hortense is his middle name. Needless to say, it's a horrible name and I don't want to be tied to him."

"No- no, it's not that bad," James could finally say, compressing a giggle.

"It's terrible!"

James took a deep breath, shaking his head. He noticed that the plates were gone, a check book on the edge of the table, and their drinks refilled- he didn't even notice the waitress do all that!

"Okay, I'll tell you something embarrassing about myself now," he shrugged, thinking.

"Oh, please."

"Um… Oh! I know. When I was born, my dick was so small they had to look for it," he said. "THAT'S embarrassing, right?"

"Not really," Logan laughed. "But I'm assuming- HOPING- it's bigger now?"

James burst into a fit of adorable giggles.

"Oh, it's much bigger now. Do you want proof?"

Logan grinned and rolled his eyes.

"How are you confident enough to talk about your cock on the first date, but yet you've got severe confidence problems?" Logan asked.

James' smile disappeared and Logan feared that he had driven the conversation in the wrong direction.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "Too soon."

He dreaded the dark look that crossed James face as he looked up at Logan, but then it turned to sadness.

"I'm not ready to be out of the hospital, Logan… I'm still depressed, and even now I'm thinking about throwing all this up."

"I don't think anyone's ready," Logan said, eyes on the flip menu of the specials on the table, which featured desserts and alcoholic drinks.

"I don't feel safe when I'm alone," James said pitifully, not wanting to CRY on this date, but dammit he was a mess!

Logan knew there wasn't anything he could say that could make James feel better. He gnawed on his lip and took the check, putting some money into the book and getting up.

"Let's go do something fun," he said, holding out his hand to James.

* * *

"You paid for dinner, let me pay for this," James said, putting some money on the counter for the bowling alley cashier. They had decided that bowling would be something to get James' mind off of his problems and get some competitive juices flowing.

The alley was exceptionally occupied, but they had no trouble finding a lane with its own ball rack. They put on their bowling shoes and set up their scorecard on the screen before it was James' turn.

"Oh shit," Logan muttered as James' very first roll was a strike. James whirled around, smugly brushing off his shoulders.

"So maybe my dad was a champion bowler," he said, cocking a brow.

"Yeah?" Logan said, picking up his ball. "I'll show you champion bowler."

"Show me."

Logan made his way to the lane, realizing he had no idea how to bowl. He hesitated, the ball in both of his hands.

He jumped when there was a body pressed against his back.

"I knew you were full of shit," James giggled, arms wrapping around Logan to hold the ball, telling Logan how to hold it.

Logan couldn't focus of what James was instructing him after that. All he could think about was James' warmth against him, his crotch pressed against Logan's lower back, the smell of his cologne, how close the side of James' face was to Logan's.

"Are you listening?" James laughed, noticing Logan's gaze on him instead of his hands. Logan innocently shook his head, making James laugh. He couldn't help but kiss Logan then. He loved kissing Logan.

The bowling ball crashed to the waxed floor, making Logan jump back, afraid for his toes. They both burst into laughter, Logan bending to pick the ball up, James to missing his cute little ass in the air or the way Logan stood back up and bit his lip flirtatiously at him.

Suddenly James didn't want to bowl anymore. He wanted to take Logan home to his room, lock the door, and spend days there, the world locked out and only the two of them living life, doing whatever- WHATEVER- they wanted.

"So how's it go?" Logan asked, talking about bowling, snapping James out of his trance.

It didn't take long for Logan to learn, yet he still wasn't good. At all. It made James' heart flutter every time Logan got excited over even a single pin being knocked down, and giving a dazzling grin every time James kissed his cheek for a reward.

"Wanna play again?" James asked after the game was over.

Logan twisted his lips doubtfully and James shrugged.

"Me either. Maybe once you get better at this game," he winked, sitting to take off his bowling shoes.

* * *

"You know, I haven't been on a date in six months," James said thoughtfully as he and Logan sat on a picnic table outside of an ice cream stand and ate dessert. James had only gotten a soda- he didn't think he could handle keeping dessert down- but Logan had gotten a banana split. They sat side-by-side, hand-in-hand as Logan ate.

"I haven't been on a date in three years," Logan said simply.

"Wow. You got me beat."

Logan wiggled his brows as he sucked the flavor from his spoon. Damn he was cute, James thought.

"Do you wanna… Go to my place?" Logan found himself saying. "I think my mom's at her boyfriend's house."

James' heart fluttered, knowing what THAT meant. But as much as he wanted Logan to bend him over this picnic table right now and tear off his clothes, he knew they couldn't.

"You're cute," he said with a little smile.

"What?" Logan whined, chocolate syrup around his mouth.

James smirked and licked a napkin, wiping the mess from his date's mouth.

"Logan… I feel strong feelings for you. I really do. And tonight was amazing. But-"

"Are you breaking up with me before we're even together?" Logan pouted. Damn, that pout. James just wanted to suck on that puffy lower lip. And he planned to- in just a minute.

"No," James laughed. "Tonight was amazing, but we don't know each other."

"James! I told you my biggest secret!" Logan said, then lowered to a whisper. "My NAME?"

"But before tonight I didn't even know your last name! I didn't know about your dad, I didn't know that you wanted to be a doctor. And you don't know me, either."

"Are you suggesting I have an STD?"

"No! Logan, don't get mad. Okay?"

"I'm not mad," Logan grumbled.

"Do you get where I'm coming from?"

"Yeah…" Logan sighed, going to run his hand through his hair, but stopping as he remembered how perfectly he had made it before tonight. He looked over into James hazel eyes and suddenly he could wait as long as James needed to have sex. "But…" Logan bit his lip flirtatiously. "With Patrick, were you the pitcher or the catcher?"

"Oh, baby, I'm always the catcher," James said with equal flirtiness.

"Fuck that's hot," Logan said dreamily.

"Unless… YOU wanted to be?"

Logan shook his head, almost drooling.

"Well I guess you're gonna have to take me out again soon so we can get this party started, eh?" James giggled, loving the way Logan drooled over him. Somehow James knew that Logan wasn't just in this for the sex. The way Logan had paid for their meal, shared his deepest secret, got competitive at the bowling alley, and seemed to be understanding about James' views told him that.

"Next time?" Logan asked like a dog with a wagging tail.

"Not next time," James laughed.

"The time after that?"

"Hmm… Maybe."

"Well how's breakfast and lunch tomorrow?"

James laughed and shook his head.

"We'll need the whole time after lunch," Logan said, obviously kidding around. "All the way till breakfast the next day."

James giggled and scooted closer, kissing Logan's cheek and resting his own on Logan's hair. Not the perfect front- he was careful not to mess that up.

"Wait… If Patrick was small…" Logan suddenly said.

"It works," James assured.

"But you're such a big guy…"

"So? Big guys can't be fem?"

"Okay, don't get mad," Logan mocked.

* * *

"Hmm, you taste like ice cream," James hummed between kisses. He and Logan stood on James' front porch, Logan against the house, hands on James' hips as James pinned him.

Logan smirked as he was kissed again, James' kisses sloppy, but somehow in a perfect way.

Before Logan could even get carried away, he heard the sound of high heels coming up the wooden stairs of the porch and James stopped kissing him to look over at his mother, who was fumbling with her keys casually.

"Don't mind me," she said briskly, gazing lazily over at her son. James didn't seem like he minded, but Logan's hands snapped away from James and he stood flat against the house, trying to get away from James.

"Oh, Logan, this is my mom," James said, tilting his head to the woman as she fit her key into the door. "Mom, this is Logan. The one I told you about?"

Brooke nodded a little, looking Logan over.

Logan said nothing, and James knew he wouldn't talk to her.

"He's cute," Brooke confirmed, stepping in the door and turning to her son. "Be in soon."

Brooke disappeared and James looked back at his date to find that he was bright red.

"Brooke Diamond just caught me making out with her son on her front porch," he said worriedly.

"It's okay. Patrick and I used to make out on the couch with her sitting right next to us. It's no big deal," James assured. "Well, maybe with YOU it could be, since you always try to take off my pants."

James smirked and buttoned his jeans up again, Logan not even noticing that he had undone them.

"I guess I should get going," Logan pouted. "Unless you want to invite me in to stay the night."

"Tempting," James winked, but Logan knew he was kidding.

"Text me when you talk to your mom about the apartment," Logan said. "I'm moving in Tuesday."

They kissed goodbye for a while before Logan went to his car.

James went inside and closed the door, doing a little happy dance to celebrate his feelings of bliss. He finally slid down against the door, sighing, looking at his mother smirking at him from the kitchen.

"What is it with you and the tiny boys?" she asked.

"But isn't he perfect?"

"Is HE worthy of YOU?"

"Very worthy."

* * *

"We ate dinner at Olive Garden," Logan said, plopping down in his mother's bed in the darkness. She had been asleep but heard him come in and called him to talk about his date.

"Did he care that you were late?"

"He thought I stood him up, but when I got there he was so excited," Logan beamed. "Then after that we went bowling. He's an amazing bowler, and he taught me how. I'm still not good."

"You get that from me," Joanna chuckled.

"And then after that we went to an ice cream stand and I got ice cream. He didn't- he's still working on his eating disorder."

"So you had a fun time?"

"I learned so much about him. Like that his mom is Brooke Diamond."

Joanna gasped and awed.

"Yeah. And that James doesn't have a dad, either. His left when he was a baby. And he told me that he thought that I was in my twenties."

"You've always looked older than you are."

"And he's so much fun- he gets my humor and I get his. We were always laughing."

"Logie, you're so excited," Joanna laughed. "Do you see a future with this guy?"

"Future?"

"Yes, baby," she laughed. "Like… A long-term relationship, marriage, kids, etc?"

"I don't know about all that, Mom. I can't see the future," he retorted. "But I definitely like him now. And he said he's gonna talk to his mom about moving out of her place and into my new apartment."

"You don't think you're going too fast?"

"Maybe we are, but there are two bedrooms in the apartment- it's not like we're gonna jump right into being serious. For now we're friends."

"Do you want more?"

"Duh."

Joanna laughed and patted her son's cheek.

"You looked very handsome when you left- I can't imagine him not wanting more."

"Well I always look like this, but he hasn't seen that. Just like I never knew how actually BEAUTIFUL he is- we've only seen each other in the hospital, in t-shirts and sweatpants with our hair all messy and our faces scruffy."

"Well don't forget to bring him around, Logie. I want to meet him, too."

"You will. Soon. I'm gonna go clean up and hit the hay. Night, Mom."

"Night."

Logan went through the dark house to his bedroom, opening the door and half-expecting a naked James in the bed, giving him an inviting smile.

Damn James left him so turned on.

Logan sighed and went to take a shower- he hated to sleep with hair gel in his hair.

Normally he didn't shower at night because around this time his meds started to wear off. When he started to get sad at night, he sometimes stood beneath the water, which steamed and flowed down his nose, and fought the desire to turn his face up a little and inhale the drops through his nose. He didn't know what would happen, but he thought that maybe it would hurt or even try to drown him, and maybe a part of him wanted that risk.

But tonight he didn't think about that. He washed the gel from his hair and rubbed the excess shampoo into his chest, imagining what it would be like to let James do this for him. He wanted a relationship where it was okay for the two people to shower together, nothing really sexual about it. He always thought that was cute.

He imagined Logan showering one morning in his new apartment when suddenly James' head popped into the curtain and he grinned.

"Hey, sexy," James would say. "I'm running a little late- mind if I hop in real quick?"

Logan would bite his lip invitingly and soon James would enter, his naked body nearing Logan's. Logan would back away a little to let James beneath the water and watch as the steaming liquid trickled from James' hair, off his nose and chin, and down his strong chest and abs.

Logan's eyes snapped open and was slightly let down to see his own shower with his and his mother's shampoos and soaps, the soap stains around the bottoms and the flowery floor grips on the floor of the shower.

He wanted to call James and talk to him all night like a high school couple, but knew he shouldn't. James was probably getting ready for bed or already there. Besides, he heard somewhere that you had to wait three days to call after the first date. He couldn't wait THAT long. Maybe he would see him tomorrow.

* * *

**Awe I loved writing this chapter. :D It was so cute.**

**Has anyone ever thought about James' mom's last name? Why is it Diamond if she and James' dad are divorced? Like, we saw James' dad in Big Time Move, so obviously he's still in James' life and so James WOULD have his last name. But why does Brooke? WHY?! **


	11. Dammit, Darla!

**MJ: I'm a dick? You could be saying that because I made you feel fuzzy inside or because I really am a dick and somehow you know that… Not so sure what you meant… But I'm willing to fight to the death if need be. Bronze swords at eleven! ;) No but seriously… What?**

**Lovatic Big Time: I know, man, I was gonna correct myself in this chapter, sorry. We saw James' dad in Big Time Concert. I realized that after I posted it. :D And nice scenario explaining why his dad was in the episode! Sounds like a good one-shot to me! ;)**

* * *

Carlos didn't want to let go of James when he came to visit and hugged him. It had been kind of hard without the guy he made his best friend, and he had missed him a lot.

They finally sat down at their table to talk.

"Did Logan find you?" Carlos asked.

"Yeah. We went out last night," James beamed. "Thanks for passing on my number."

"Anytime," Carlos said, not mentioning that he wasn't going to give Logan his phone number. "Tell me about the date."

"We met at Olive Garden- he was really late and I was about to leave, thinking he stood me up. But he told me he's late for everything. We talked a lot there."

"About?"

"Just stuff- we really didn't know each other beyond just our names and general personalities, so it was good to get around to that."

"Anything interesting?"

"How old do you think Logan is?"

"Eh… 23?"

"He's only 18. I learned that at dinner, and it blew my mind," James smirked, Carlos looking shocked. "And I learned that the whole reason he's screwed up is cause his dad used to beat him and his mom. And that he wants to be a doctor and is going to college for that really soon."

"What else did you do?"

"After that, we went bowling. It was so cute- he didn't know what the hell he was doing, so I taught him. Then we went out for ice cream. Well, he got ice cream. I didn't. Then he dropped me off at my house and my mom caught us making out on the front porch, and Logan was so embarrassed."

"So did you guys…"

"No," James laughed. "He wanted to. SO bad. He invited me to his house to do that."

"Why didn't you?" Carlos whined. "Don't tell me you're not sure about him yet. He's like- goo-goo eyes for you!"

"I'm sure about him. I just want him to work a little for it. I wanna make sure that he gets to know ME before he gets distracted with sex. You know?"

"I guess."

"So what about you?" James asked. "What've you been up to?"

"The night you left, Robin left me a note telling me that you're gone and Kendall found me in the hallway really late at night sobbing my eyes out."

"Awe," James groaned. "I didn't know you'd be so torn up about that…"

"I was panicking. I thought that you and Logan would forget about me once you found each other."

"Dude! No way!"

"That's what Logan said. But since then, I've been hanging out a lot with Kendall."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah. He's an asshole, but I guess he's okay to me."

"What do you guys DO?"

"Normally we play basketball or video games," Carlos shrugged. "He's sorta with Jo now."

"I figured. They're basically the same person- it's a no-brainer."

"I got a new roommate. His name is Jett and he's an assface. Always tells me that I should take better care of my hair and that I need moisturizer on my hands. He's made me transition once already and he's only been here for a day."

"Do I need to kick some ass?"

"No," Carlos laughed. "I think he's being released really soon anyway- he's just there for depression and you know how fast those pass through. Besides- I think that Robin scared the shit outta him. Not sure how, but you know how Robin can be."

"When do you think you'll be released?"

"No telling. I've been here forever and, like, I'm fine, you know? I guess I'm just here cause they're fucking with my meds and stuff," Carlos grumbled.

"Well as soon as you do, me, you, and Logan'll go out on a guy's night out. Okay? We're gonna party like crazy."

Carlos grinned, excited to have friends out in the real world.

* * *

"You have to act natural when he gets here," Logan said sternly, grilling up some chicken breasts as his mother made sides.

"I will!" she insisted.

Logan sighed and rolled his eyes. It was finally Tuesday and Logan was moving in to his apartment. James was coming over for lunch and to help move- he was yet to talk to his mother about moving in himself, so he wasn't, but he still wanted to help.

The front door opened and Turner and Darla entered.

"Hello, darling," Turner smiled, kissing Joanna's cheek. Logan looked at them defensively. What? NO! They couldn't be here while James was visiting! If they were here, Logan couldn't talk! "Hello, Logan. You look very nice."

Darla, behind her father, bit her lip flirtatiously and winked at him.

"Come on, Logan. James should meet them, too, you know. And they offered to help move."

Darla raised her brows at Logan from behind her father, mouthing "JAMES?". Logan clenched his jaw, feeling like throwing a tantrum.

"Oh, Joanna, I didn't know he was having his friend over today… I thought you said it was alright for us to come?" Turner asked.

"It's fine, honey. RIGHT, Logan?"

Logan angrily flipped the chicken.

"Here, Logan, let me get this," Turner offered, approaching him. Logan thankfully sat down the spatula and briskly walked to his bedroom, feeling like punching Turner in his nice-guy nose and like ripping Darla's hair out. Today was the first time James would meet his mother, and he didn't want to overload James with meeting Turner and Darla, too.

He sat at his desk and turned on his laptop.

"Who's James?" came a voice, and Logan looked over to see Darla leaning against the door frame, twirling the hair of her ponytail.

Logan huffed and turned back to his computer.

"Is that your 'boyfriend'?"

Logan got up and gently scooted her out of the door to close it. He didn't like Darla and her flirty ways. He couldn't be smelling like girl's perfume when James got there.

He sat at his desk again, only to find that she had opened the door and waltzed in.

Logan sprang up, giving her a fierce look and pointing to the door.

"Your hair looks sexy like that," Darla sang, reaching up. Before she could touch it, Logan backed away from her hand. He could NOT have his hair messed up- it took a long time to do it that way!

Darla sighed and sat on the naked mattress on the floor, ready to be moved out.

"Logan, I'm having trouble with something and I thought you might be able to help," she said, looking up at him. Logan shook his head, knowing she would probably say that she's horny or something and she needs help getting rid of that feeling. "I'm being serious now. Look… I think I have an STD."

Logan immediately made a plan to Lysol that mattress.

"And my dad's a doctor, but he can't know I've been whoring around. And I know YOU know a lot about this stuff, and I need you to help me. Please? Future step-sibling to future step-sibling?"

Logan didn't like the sound of that. He had never had siblings and frankly he didn't want any. He knew that Darla would keep with her father and Logan would keep with his mother if they got married, but he didn't want to share his mom.

Suddenly Darla started to cry.

Shit.

Logan slowly approached the bed and sat awkwardly.

"I just- I feel like a whore! Do you think I'm a whore?" she sobbed, then looked up at him, her makeup slightly running. Logan nodded simply. "I AM a whore! You're right!"

Logan had no idea what to do about this. He wouldn't talk to Darla- he couldn't. She wasn't one of his "safe people" to talk to. He simply patted her back awkwardly, and jumped when she turned to cry into his shoulder.

He understood that she was in deep shit, and even though he didn't want to help her, who would if not him? He DID have a heart, and he couldn't leave this girl to deal with this on her own- even if she WAS a whore that has tried to harass Logan multiple times.

He moved a little to get a Sharpie and piece of paper.

_It's not as bad as you think._

"I-It's not?" she asked, looking up at him and wiping her eyes. Logan shook his head reassuringly.

_Turner doesn't have to know- he never will if you don't tell him. You should go to a clinic- it's safe there and he can't find out about it. Maybe they can treat whatever you have._

Darla sniffled and nodded.

_It'll be okay. You should make the bastard who gave it to you go with you._

"I don't know WHICH bastard, though," she laughed a little. She sighed and wiped makeup from beneath her eyes. "I guess I will go. Thanks."

Logan nodded, completely letting his guard down to have a gentle moment with the daughter of his mother's boyfriend. Big mistake. He didn't even notice Darla leaning in until her lips were on his.

Suddenly she had swung her leg over his lap and straddled him, her tongue in his mouth. Logan knew that she had underwear on and he had jeans and undies on, and there was no possibility of whatever STD she had of spreading that way, but still. He was too concentrated on that that he didn't really even notice her kissing him violently.

* * *

James smiled charmingly at the woman who looked just a little bit like Logan and the guy who he guessed was her boyfriend.

"You must be James!" Joanna said excitedly. "You're early."

"I'm sorry," James said, entering the house. "I texted Logan to tell him that, but he never replied."

"And you brought him flowers," Joanna melted, gesturing to the bouquet of flowers in James' hand.

"Oh- no," he said, having forgotten about the flowers. "These are for you, Mrs. Mitchell."

Joanna melted and took the flowers.

"Call me Joanna. Oh- and this is Turner, my boyfriend," she said nodding to Turner, who shook James' hand. "I'm gonna go put these in water. Thank you so much- I love flowers."

James looked around, wondering where Logan was.

"So, what do you do, James?" Turner asked.

"Well… Right now, nothing."

"Will you be going to school?"

"No…"

"Will you be getting a job?"

"I'm not sure."

James wanted to die inside. _GREAT first impression, James. Now he thinks you're some loser bum._

"Well sometimes we have no plan- something just comes out of the blue, and that's what you're meant to do," Turner said warmly. Damn- how could Logan not like him? He was so nice!

"I'm still waiting," James laughed a little.

"James, I think that Logan is in his room, if you wanna go find him," Joanna called from the kitchen. "It's just down the hall- the second room on the right."

James wasn't used to such a small house- it was only one story, one bathroom, three bedrooms. James' house had three bathrooms and six bedrooms with two stories.

He neared the second room on the right, finding that the door was cracked. James got a little excited- maybe he would be able to peep in on Logan dressing or something. He pushed the door opened a little bit and bit his lip when it squeaked.

James peered in, seeing a girl on the bed. Weird. Then he realized that she was straddling something- someone. Someone with neat black hair, the girl kissing him, the guy not doing much to stop it.

James pushed the door open the rest of the way, it squeaking like crazy.

Logan's head snapped that way, his eyes huge.

"James," he breathed.

James knew he shouldn't be so offended by what he saw. It wasn't like they were together. And besides- James HAD told Logan that if he wanted to date other people, they could just be friends. But seeing what he saw made tears come to his eyes, made anger rise in him that he hadn't felt in a while.

The girl was pushed aside and Logan sprang up, going to James.

"Let me explain," he pleaded.

"It's fine," James said, backing away. "Don't worry about it."

Logan reached forward to wipe James' tears, but was shocked when James shoved him away- roughly.

"James!" he said in surprise.

James put his hand over his mouth in shock.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to."

"So he DOES talk," Darla smirked. She was impressed that Logan had scored such a hottie, and that he actually does have a voice.

"Shut UP, Darla! Fuck! Go away!" Logan growled. She bit her lip and slowly left, James making a real effort not to yank that girl's ponytail out of her head.

"You're not mine, Logan, I can't be mad about this," James said softly, wiping his face with a sigh. "Let's just… Go."

"That's Turner's daughter," Logan sighed. "She kissed me the very first time we met and every time after that. I can't stop her- she's a snake. I never meant for you to find out- she means nothing to me."

"You don't have to lie, Logan. I told you it's okay if you want to date other people."

"Darla's a whore, James, I would never want her. She told me today that she has STD's. She took advantage of me having sympathy and attacked me."

"I don't CARE, Logan! If you want her-"

"I want YOU, dammit!" Logan retorted. "PLEASE don't hate me for this!"

"I couldn't hate you," James said softly.

"Good. Now can I have a kiss hello?"

"No way! She has STD's!" James squeaked.

"James. That's ridiculous. It doesn't spread by kissing."

"Logan! James!" Joanna called.

"Let's just eat," James suggested. He wasn't 100 percent about Logan, and he wanted to see how he acted around Darla before he could forgive this.

"You're mad."

"Yeah, I am. But it doesn't matter- I'm just being jealous. It's not like you're my boyfriend- I have no right to be mad."

"Then be my boyfriend."

James looked up and sighed.

"Let's just go eat."

Logan followed James down the hallway, feeling like a kicked dog. He reached forward to let his fingertips touch James' hand, and James' hand contracted into a ball as he looked back at Logan with a sorry look on his face.

* * *

**Oh, oh, oh oh, oooooooooh.**

**Naw, just kidding. It'll be okay and the story with proceed in an orderly manner! Of course we need some jealousy and fighting in there, because that's what makes relationships fun to write! :D**


	12. Making A Move

**Hey, guys, long time no see! Sorry this chapter took so long- I'm at school and band and crap, then I have to sleep. :P **

* * *

The five of them sat at the little round table meant for two in the kitchen to eat lunch. James had Logan to his right, then Darla, then Turner, then Joanna to his left. He was nervous about Darla being beside Logan, but she insisted.

Suddenly James was faced with yet another problem.

He looked down at his plate of grilled chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes.

"It's more of a dinner than a lunch, but it's what we had," Joanna said apologetically.

"It's not that," James said. "It just… Looks so delicious is all."

But really he knew that he couldn't eat all of this- it would definitely make him gain weight. But if he didn't eat most of it, it would hurt Joanna's feelings…

Logan was absolutely flustered to no end.

He felt like stabbing Darla in the neck with his knife for what she did. Now he felt like he blew it with James, and she didn't even seem to care.

"So are you from around here?" Turner asked James.

"Yes, sir, I grew up just a few miles from here in Creek County."

"Did you play hockey?" Joanna asked.

"Of course."

"I bet Logan must have played your school a hundred times! Maybe you already met before."

"Hm- I bet you're right," James noted.

The table was silent save the clank of forks and knives on the plates. Logan couldn't help but notice that James hadn't even glanced at him this whole time.

After a while, James had finished eating and looked down at the food that was still there.

Logan knew what was going through this mind and looked up to find Joanna and Turner talking, attention away from them. He leaned over and stabbed as much food as possible with his fork, lifting it from James' plate and putting it on his own empty one, then went back for a bit more.

James turned to him, looking at him for the first time that dinner.

"Thanks," he whispered, offering a little smile. Logan smiled back and sat his fork on his plate and pushed them away from him.

James pushed his own plate away from him and sat his hands on the table, looking at them, being bored. He was surprised when Logan's palm pressed to the back of his hand, his fingers curling around the side. James wanted to hold his hand back, but instead he pulled his hand away and sat both of them in his lap. Logan huffed and sat back in his chair.

Darla was loving the tension between them and felt the need to add to it.

Her hand, the one with the chastity ring on it, mind you, gently laid on Logan's knee. He sighed and pushed it away, but she put it on his thigh the next time. He looked her square in the eyes, his own fiery.

She bit her lip flirtatiously and her hand ran higher up his leg to the top, where her fingers curled around his penis through his pants.

Logan jumped up, knocking his chair over. He was unbelievably horny lately and he couldn't let DARLA turn him on. Especially not at this "family lunch". It had to be James.

"Logan! Watch out!" Joanna scolded and Logan sighed and sat his chair upright. He didn't miss James and Darla giving each other the death stare.

He wanted to just tell Turner about Darla's STD's and all she's done to him. That would show her. Unfortunately, though, he couldn't talk to Turner. Maybe he would tell his mom later, if he was feeling evil. But more than anything he wanted to pull James to his bedroom and talk this whole thing out with him. He didn't like James being mad at him- he wasn't even sure if there was a possibility they might become exclusive anymore.

He picked up everyone's plates and took them to the sink before leaning on the counter, not daring to sit in that chair again.

Darla bit her lip and scooted to his seat, James staring daggers.

"So James," Turner said, snapping his attention to her. "Do you know how to work power tools?"

"No, sir, but I can learn pretty quickly," James said with a shrug.

"You don't have to call me sir," Turner laughed. "I'm not Logan's father."

"Well it's still a matter of respect," James said casually. "It's like how I called Joanna Mrs. Mitchell and how I brought her flowers."

Logan's heart melted, stroking a petal of a daisy in the bouquet beside him. James was so sweet- he brought his mother flowers.

"I grew up having to talk to a lot of important people, so my mom made sure I was respectful. It's a good thing to have when-" James stopped and jumped as Darla's little hand closed around him. Logan saw this and knew exactly what was going on.

"Stop it!" Logan suddenly burst, standing up straight. All eyes turned to him, Turner surprised since he had never heard Logan speak.

Darla looked around innocently, hand dropping from James' crotch.

"Logan!" Joanna hissed.

"Don't touch him! He's MINE!" Logan said to Darla. James' heart fluttered, thinking it unbelievably sexy that Logan had claimed him in front of these people.

Darla put her hands up innocently.

"Logan, I think there's a misunderstanding," Turner said politely.

"Your daughter's a whore and she's touching MY boyfriend!" Logan said. "Why can't you see that?"

"Logan!" Joanna growled angrily.

Logan turned red with blush and anger. All was silent, James trying not to smile. He was just so taken by Logan's words, his feelings, his chivalry.

"Maybe I should go," Darla said innocently. "It's clear Logan doesn't want me here."

"Well DUH!" Logan retorted.

"No, Darla, you stay," Joanna said. "Logan, you need to go outside and cool off for a second, and come back when you're ready to apologize."

Logan gladly stormed to the front door and flung it open, slamming it behind him. He could feel his anxiety coming on, and he sat on the front steps to try to control it.

How DARE Darla touch James like that! LOGAN'S boyfriend! That's LOGAN'S spot to touch under the table! LOGAN'S spot to run his fingers over in secret! Not her! Right there in front of everyone, too! Oh, wait. NOT his boyfriend- James made it clear that he had no interest in having that title.

Logan stood up and stormed off to the sidewalk, planning on taking a walk to cool down. He didn't have his phone, but who cares?

He had gotten all dressed up and smelling and looking good for James, only to have everything ruined by fucking DARLA. Now James hates him! He was over the hill and safely out of view of the house when he heard running footsteps.

"Logan!" James called. Logan stopped and turned, fists clenched, as James ran to him, not even breathing hard. "You can hit me if you need to."

"Why would I need to?"

"It's better hitting me then breaking your hand on a tree."

"I don't wanna hit you," Logan grumbled, turning to start storming again. "I'm so pissed off, though."

"This is how I felt."

"When?"

"This entire time. From when I caught you guys making out all the way to when she grabbed YOU."

"You saw that?"

"I was watching her like a hawk," James retorted.

"I hate her," Logan steamed.

"Me, too."

"I hope my mom and Turner don't get married. I don't want Darla to be my sister."

"But don't you want your mom to be happy? Turner's a really nice guy."

Logan shot James and angry look, making James' hands come up in surrender.

After a while, their pace slowed and Logan seemed calmed down.

"I was an asshole to you earlier," James said softly. "I should have taken your word that you didn't want to be with Darla."

"Damn straight."

"I'm just a jealous person when it comes to love interests. I guess you are too, obviously."

Logan was silent, staring at the sidewalk as it passed by.

"I thought it was kinda hot- the way you said that I was yours," James said lowly, playing with the zipper on Logan's hoodie. "So territorial."

"I shouldn't have said that."

"I mean, I can be yours if you want me," James said cutely. Logan looked up at him, silent, and didn't realize that he had made a mistake with his quietness until James' eyes dropped sadly.

"I'm sorry, James. Everything's so fucked up today," Logan groaned, leaning his forehead on James' shoulder. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. I didn't know that Turner and Darla were gonna be here, and they fucked EVERYTHING up."

James rubbed Logan's back soothingly, waiting for more.

"You were supposed to come over and meet just Mom, then we would eat. Then you would offer to clean up with Mom, but she would say no, so we would go to my room and make out. Then we would leave for our new apartment and everything would be peachy."

James chuckled and shook his head.

"I know it wasn't like you wanted, but if it helps, we can make out at your apartment once everyone else leaves," he giggled.

"Not MY apartment. OUR apartment."

"Right."

"And it does make me feel a little better. Will you stay the night?" Logan asked hopefully, pulling away a little to look up with adorable doe eyes. "We don't have to fuck. We can just SLEEP."

James bit his lip, finding the offer tempting.

"We'll see," he nodded.

"I've never slept with anyone before," Logan said, suddenly excited, finding hope in that simple answer he was given. "Is it fun?"

"It's probably my favorite thing about being in love."

Logan's smile faded just a little, searching James' eyes. No. James couldn't be in love with him THIS early, right?

"That came out wrong," James said quickly. "I mean-"

Logan was silent as James babbled on about what he REALLY meant, but he wasn't listening. He was watching James' perfect lips move, waiting for them to stop so that he could attack. He was just so CUTE.

"Logan, are you even listening?" James asked through Logan's trance. Logan's eyes lifted and he shook his head innocently. James loved that- how sometimes Logan zoned out and stopped listening to James. Frankly, James was glad he wasn't listening to him babble. It was kind of embarrassing.

James stooped down to press his lips with Logan's. He loved the way Logan tasted, not only now, when he tasted like lunch, but normally he had a sweet flavor on his lips, and James could like with only tasting that for the rest of his life.

Logan's arms found their way around James' neck, James' around Logan's waist as the kiss deepened.

Suddenly there was a honk, making James jump and break the kiss to look over at the car that stopped beside them, the window down. Logan, as usual, continued planting kisses on James' neck, ignoring the world around them.

James turned a deep shade of red when he realized that it was Logan's mother in the car, leaning over to look at them through the open window. He had no idea if she was like his own mother, who didn't care if they kissed in front of her, or if she was a mother who didn't want to see it.

To his relief, she grinned and rolled her eyes.

"Hop in, we have places to be!" she called. Logan didn't even look as he put one last kiss on the bottom of James' jaw before taking his hand and pulling him to the car.

"Don't blush so hard, James, I know how Logan is," Joanna laughed as they sat in the back seat, Logan lovingly cuddling into James as they took off back toward the Mitchell house. "And it's not like I don't know that you kiss."

Logan gazed down at his fingers tangled with James', loving the way their hands seemed to fit like puzzle pieces. Why was James so worried about his mom seeing them making out? Well, he guessed James didn't know that Logan told his mother everything, including all the times they kiss and every sweet little thing James says to him.

Joanna looked up into the mirror, smiling a little, loving to see that her son was so happy. James' blush was gradually decreasing, but Logan was never embarrassed in the first place. He was clutching James' hand, his cheek on James' shoulder, happily staring down at their clasped hands. His dark eyes darted up to the mirror and to her eyes, and he spoke.

"I'm sorry I made a scene at home," he said. "But you believe me, right? That Darla was doing nasty things under the table?"

"No, Logan, I don't. I think you're just being territorial. Darla is the sweetest girl I-"

"Bullshit, Mom!" Logan whined. "She's Satan!"

"Logan!"

"It's true, Joanna," James said in Logan's defense. "She touched both of us… Inappropriately."

"You KNOW it's true now- James doesn't lie."

"I think you should apologize. What you said about her really got to her."

"I'm not apologizing," Logan grumbled. "I hate her guts."

"Is this because you don't want to share me?"

"No, MOM. It's because she was touching James' junk under the table and that's not okay with me. And it's because every single time I've seen her since we met she's found a way to corner me and kiss me and even try more. I'm not apologizing because SHE should be apologizing to ME."

Joanna shook her head, not knowing what to think. Darla's tears seemed so real, but James had backed Logan up on this, and he seemed like a very truthful person.

"Don't you believe me, Mom? I've never lied to you, why would I start now?" Logan pleaded.

"I just can't see Darla doing something like that."

Logan groaned and buried his face in James' shoulder, deciding to give up.

"I'm still not apologizing."

* * *

"I think I'm gonna stay a while longer and help set everything up," James said to Turner, Darla (who was surprisingly conserved), and Joanna.

"Of course," Joanna shrugged, looking around at the boxes in the empty apartment, only the bed having been put together before it was late and they had to leave.

She hugged Logan around the torso, a little emotional from leaving her baby here, but happy that James would keep him company.

"Be safe," she whispered. Logan knew exactly what she meant- "Don't be silly, wrap your Willy".

"Don't worry about THAT, Mom," he laughed. Although he really didn't know what lay ahead, he didn't want her to be disturbed by what her imagination conjured up.

"Okay."

She hugged James and left with a kiss blown to them, Turner pulling her out, Darla not even looking at them.

The door closed.

And suddenly the two were put in their first ever completely alone environment.

"Let's go make the bed," Logan said, taking James' hand and pulling him to the bedroom.

James helped Logan spread sheets over the bare mattress. Logan's heart fluttered every time they locked eyes and James gave him a little smile. They didn't speak, but the silence was thick with sexual tension instead of awkwardness.

Once the bed was finished, James followed Logan to the kitchen to put cups and plates in the cabinet.

"Are we really gonna unpack?" Logan asked, feeling James behind him as he stood in the corner of the counters, cutting a box open.

"Is that an invitation?"

"I didn't know you were waiting on one."

Suddenly Logan was roughly turned around and his thighs were grabbed, easily being lifted to sit on the counter, James' face tilted up to kiss Logan.

"One- dinner and bowling," Logan said, hands holding James' face as they kissed.

"What?"

"Two- lunch at Mom's. Three- right now. That's three dates."

"I don't think this counts," James laughed.

"It counts."

James pulled Logan to the edge of the counter, his crotch to James' lower stomach. Logan whimpered a little bit, his legs pulling James even closer to him as James' lips moved to his neck.

"Are we doing this?" Logan asked, hands tangled in James' hair.

"No."

"Yes we are."

James giggled and pulled away, kissing Logan's cheek.

"We aren't even together," James said softly, brushing Logan's cheek.

"Yes we are. As of right now, I'm claiming you. I'm carving my initials in you, I'm putting up a flag on you, I'm peeing on you. NOW let's do it."

"We can't. We've only been together for three seconds."

"Four," Logan said, kissing James' neck. "Five." Another peck. "Six."

"You're cute," James giggled.

"So fuck me."

"Logan."

Logan pulled away, looking James deep in his eyes. Lust pumped through James' veins as the liquid black in his new boyfriend's eyes basically tried to pull his pants down and rip his shirt off. GOD he was hot. And the kiss that immediately followed almost made James' knees give out and something extreme happen in his pants.

Logan's hand trailed down James' body as he delivered seducing kisses to James' lips, unbuttoning James' pants and reaching in, feeling the stiff fabric of James' boxers beneath his touch.

"Don't t-touch that," James argued half-heartedly.

"What're you afraid of, James?"

That low whisper in James' ear suddenly convinced James that it's all okay and that he should let Logan do what he wanted.

Logan didn't know how he knew how to seduce. He had never done it before, but it seemed to be working.

"Do you want me inside you?" he whispered, rubbing down James' thigh with painful slowness.

"Shit…"

"Do you want my mouth around you?"

James hummed, completely hypnotized. Logan's hand came from his pants to take his hand and press it to his own crotch.

"Feel how ready I am?" he whispered against James' neck. Jesus, James understood why Darla did it. Logan was just so warm beneath his jeans, such a perfect shape in there… A perfect length…

"M-me, too."

"I know. I felt. I bet it tastes nice."

"Oh God."

"Call me Logan."

"I don't feel so good."

"What?" Logan asked, but suddenly James was dropping to the floor. "SHIT!"

James fell to the linoleum like a sack of potatoes, his head making a loud thud. Logan stared in horror, hopping down from the counter.

Should he call an ambulance?

What the HELL just happened?

Logan scrambled to his room to get his cell phone and call his mom. She would know what to do. But when he returned to the kitchen, James was moving, rubbing his face as he lay on the floor. Logan tossed his phone on the counter and knelt.

"James? What the FUCK just happened?" he asked as James sat up.

"I fainted, didn't I?" James asked flatly.

"Um, YEAH. Just as things were getting good."

James rubbed the back of his head, wincing. He would have a goose-egg soon.

"It's happened before," he said bluntly. "I dunno what does it."

"When you get turned on?"

"Mostly. But not often- it's only happened twice before."

Logan giggled, and his giggles turned to laughter and he had to lie on the floor to try to calm down.

"What?" James demanded.

"It happens to some guys," Logan said, sitting up, giggling a little. "Sometimes when they get boners, their bodies put too much blood in their OTHER head, and they pass out."

"Are you shitting me? I'm not THAT gullible."

"It normally happens to guys with… Size."

"Is this a real thing?"

"I promise. You can Google it," Logan said in surrender.

"Well what the fuck? I don't want to pass out every time I get turned on!"

"You said it's only happened twice before- you'll just have to put your head between your knees if you feel it."

"Logan! Fix it! This sucks!"

"I think it's cute. At least I know that I got you going," Logan giggled.

James pouted and Logan got up to get an ice pack that his mother put in the freezer and pushed it to James' head where he slammed it on the floor.

"I guess the mood's ruined…" Logan grumbled.

"I can't believe you were gonna make me have sex with you," James retorted. "You knew I wasn't ready."

"I think you're ready, you're just teasing me," Logan said. "Besides- I wouldn't have MADE you if you said no that last time."

Logan hoisted James up and to the bed. The apartment was featureless and boring, so all they had to do was lie around and talk. Logan changed into some PJ's, James noting his body beneath his clothes. If he himself was that body type, he'd hate himself. But somehow it was perfect for Logan.

"I think I broke my head," James pouted as Logan turned out the light and returned to the bed to lie down. The back of James' head hurt like hell from when he fainted, and he could feel a big bump forming.

"Your pupils dilate just fine- you'll be okay," Logan laughed, cuddling up to James' side.

"You didn't shine a light in them. You don't know."

"I DO know. Cause when you look at me, your pupils grow, and when you look away they contract."

"Oh. That's pretty cool."

"I'd show you, but you can't see my pupils too well."

"I'll take your word for it," James said, turning to his side and tossing the melting ice pack to the hardwood floor. He pulled Logan to his chest and rubbed his back soothingly. Logan's hand softly moved to James' zipper, tracing down a little to find that James' erection, like his own, was going down.

"Don't touch," James said sleepily.

"I'm allowed as of about seven minutes ago," Logan smirked. "If it makes you feel better, you can grope me any time. Like, if we're at the store, it's TOTALLY fine there. Or at my mom's house. You know, just whenever."

"You're just a horny little boy, aren't you?"

"Yeah- it's like a constant porno going on in my head."

"Seriously?"

"No," Logan laughed. "But I AM a horny little boy. I think I've been naughty."

"Logan," James giggled.

"I'm screwing with you," Logan assured. "No- I'll be the punisher and you're be the naughty boy."

"Oh, is that how it works? Because I happen to love handcuffs and whips and cock rings and gags."

"Not gags."

"Not gags."

"You know, I'm glad I found someone who, even though we've only really been a thing for a few minutes, you'll still talk sex with me."

"I'm just glad you talk at all."

"True."

"I kinda miss the cute little nervous Logie who blushes every time I talk to him," James said thoughtfully.

"He's starting to come out now," Logan sighed, knowing his meds were wearing off fast and his stomach was twisting with the close contact with James. "My meds are wearing off."

"Am I freaking you out?"

"A little, but don't leave."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," Logan said, though he knew he would not enjoy waking up in this man's arms. It would send him running away shaking before he got to choke down his pills. He just hoped that someday it would be different- that they would be able to wake up and have cute morning talks. What would happen when they really DID have sex at night? Would Logan run before they could finish? "I'm proud of you for eating pizza for dinner tonight. You didn't throw up, right? And don't lie."

"I was in your sight the whole day!" James laughed.

"You're improving."

"I've gained five pounds since I was admitted…"

"That's wonderful!" The pep dripping from Logan's voice as he propped himself up on an elbow excitedly made James' heart flutter. Like he could actually believe that it was wonderful that he put on a few pounds.

"I guess…"

"It is. Some more meat will do you good."

"Oh, baby, I've got PLENTY of meat," James said with a giggle.

"I noticed," Logan said, face burning as his old self started coming out, making his sentences shorter and quieter. He dragged himself higher on the pillows to be a bit above James' head so he could stroke his soft hair.

The two lay in comfortable silence, Logan's cool fingers tracing James' hairline and sideburns, then to his jaw and flicked off of his chin.

"Will you stay the night?" Logan asked.

"I dunno-"

"I'm really creeped out here alone."

"Awe- are you scared?" James asked, melting. "I'll protect you."

"Is that a yes?"

James sat up to take off his shirt and jeans, tossing them to the floor.

"When I move in, will I be in the other bedroom?" he asked, his head just beneath Logan's chin. The thought of this man being there every day, living in the vicinity, showering in the same place Logan did suddenly sent Logan's stomach flipping.

_Get yourself together! Just a few more minutes and you'll be going to sleep!_

"I think that would be best."

"Okay…"

"How's your head?"

"It's better. It'll hurt like hell in the morning, though."

They were silent again, only the sound of the air conditioner hissing through the vents audible. James secretly inhaled the scent of Logan's chest. Everyone had their own scent, he knew, but Logan's was special.

Outside, a car alarm went off, making Logan jump out of his skin.

"That scared me," he whispered.

"You really are creeped, aren't you?" James giggled.

"It's so dark- I can't see anything."

He scooted himself down in the bed and into James' bear chest, his cool hands making James' jump as they gripped him, his eyes squeezed shut.

"I know you're nervous right now, so I'll let you sleep," James said, pulling the blankets tighter around them and his legs tangled with Logan's. "Should I be out by morning?"

No matter how much Logan wanted to save his anxious-self in the morning, he knew that James would be there every morning for a long, long time, if not forever, and he might as well face that problem now.

"I know you'll be anxious before you get your meds," James said.

"Stay."

"Okay."

* * *

**I hope that was worth the wait! I love writing this story and I love reading what you guys have to say about it. Not so sure where to go for the next chapter. I have a few ideas, but I don't know how I'll make a whole chapter out of it… Hm…**

**By the way, I have a new story called "As The IV Drips" and you should check it out. :D**


	13. Rocky Start

Logan drew in a deep breath through his nose as he shifted and woke up. His dark eyes opened to a dim and unfamiliar room, but this was sure his own bed.

He rolled over and jumped to see a dreamy looking James staring at him, dark head resting on his bicep.

"Morning, sunshine. I know you're scared of me right now, so I'll keep my distance," James said.

Logan squeaked and slapped a hand over his mouth. Of course he remembered everything of last night and he couldn't believe he almost had sex with James. He couldn't believe he fell asleep in his arms. He couldn't believe he had the COURAGE for that.

His first instinct was the scramble out of the bed and run, but he kept himself anchored. James was his new boyfriend- he needed to be able to deal with him medicated or not.

"Once you're ready, do you wanna go find some grub?" James asked. Logan nodded a little bit, knowing that once he was medicated he would NOT like it if he had kicked James out earlier. "Cool. And we should go to a grocery store and get some food for this place."

Logan found that he couldn't look into his James' beautiful eyes, but he nodded a little and rolled out of bed, wanting to stay and curl up to James and talk softly, having nowhere to be immediately, but he knew he couldn't do that now.

James watched Logan hurry out of the room before he got up to put the clothes from yesterday on. By the time he was done, he went to the bathroom to find that Logan had locked it and was showering.

James sighed and went to sit on the counter of the kitchen and eat a slice of cold pizza from last night. He hoped that Logan would be able to get used to James without medications and maybe at least be able to touch him or look him in the eye eventually.

He looked out over the apartment, imagining what it would be like in not too long. With the living room organized with James' stereo system and cable hooked up to the TV. A coffee table would be in the center with magazines and remotes. Spices and cooking utensils would line this very counter and James would have something delicious cooking in the oven. Logan would come home from school and kiss James hello and ask what was cooking.

It would be awesome.

* * *

Logan's meds had started to work by the time he was dressed and doing his hair in the bathroom. He felt his anxiety about James leave- he hoped that James wasn't mad about this morning.

His hand worked meticulously with the comb to gel up his hair just right. It was a high-maintenance hair style, but the lady at the salon had suggested it and he liked it.

By the time he was done and ready to go, he was back to himself again, except a little moodier.

"Have you talked to your mom yet?" he asked as he entered the kitchen.

"No… I'm sort of putting it off."

"Why? Do you not want to move in? That's all you have to say, James, I won't get offended."

"Really? Cause you seem pretty offended right now."

"I've never known you to not speak your mind and tell me straight up how you feel, so I'm guessing that you're still in," Logan said.

"I'm still in. What's up your butt?"

"What?" Logan snapped.

"You just seem mad," James said in quiet surrender.

"I'm just in a bad mood I guess," Logan sighed.

"Well I think I'll talk to her today if you want me to."

"You're a grown man, do what you want."

"You don't have to be snippy," James grumbled, not wanting to fight, but he REALLY didn't like it when people were snippy with him when he didn't do anything wrong.

"I just don't understand why you haven't talked to her yet. You said that she wouldn't care, so what's the problem?"

"I just haven't gotten around to it, okay? Calm down."

"I'm calm. I just don't want to have to light a fire under you to make you do things. Is this how it's gonna be?"

"Logan!"

James hopped down from the counter and looked at Logan, confused.

"Just never mind," Logan mumbled. "Are you ready?"

"Are you gonna stop yelling at me? Is THIS how it's gonna be?" James mocked.

"If you want out say so now before we get too attached," Logan said stubbornly. "If on day one you can't deal with my bad moods, you've got another thing coming because I'm a mentally unstable and moody teenager."

"Yeah, me too, but I'm not gonna yell at you for it."

"I'm not yelling!"

"You are now."

"Why are we doing this? I don't care this much! I'm just in a bad mood and I'll get better in a while, and I'm sorry I was snippy. Okay? Now can we go?"

"Okay," James said, hands up in surrender. "I just don't want to start off bad. But are you upset about something?"

"I'm just tired and hormonal I guess," Logan grumbled.

"Well you look nice," James offered. "And I can't wait to spend the day with you."

Logan smiled a little as James kissed his forehead.

"So. Things to do," James said, sitting on the couch to put on his shoes. "First, go somewhere for breakfast. Then we need to go get some food for this place- cereal, milk, eggs, bread, maybe some sandwich meat, whatever. But at the end I need to go home, cause I'm stinky and I have to talk to my mom."

"You're gonna leave me alone?" Logan asked uneasily, already in his shoes.

"I guess at some point we should hook up the TV and set stuff up- make it more homey in here so you're not so scared."

"Can I sleep with you at your house?"

"I guess if you want. I have a memory foam mattress."

* * *

After breakfast- they shared a big stack of pancakes at IHOP- they went to Walmart.

James pushed the cart as Logan led it.

"I need toothpaste," he said.

"Do you have shampoo and stuff?"

"Yeah."

After picking out his favorite toothpaste, he noticed that a little section of condoms was at the end of the aisle.

"Why do you need those?" James asked casually, leaning on the cart.

"Well we'll have sex EVENTUALLY, right?"

"Well yeah, but why do you need condoms? I'm not gonna get PREGNANT," James said with a little laugh.

"But… The commercials on the LOGO channel."

"You watch LOGO?" James had turned on the gay and lesbian channel once out of curiosity. It was… Strange.

"Maybe like twice…"

"What commercials?"

"The drag queens told me that STD's are spread when gay couples have unprotected sex."

"And what a drag queen says goes, right?"

"Exactly!" Logan laughed a little.

"Look, baby, I promise you I don't have an STD. I was tested after Patrick dumped me and I'm clean. Unless YOU have something?"

"I don't have SOMETHING," Logan retorted.

"Great. Then we don't need condoms."

"What about… Lubricant?"

"I usually just use butter," James shrugged.

"BUTTER?" Logan gaped.

"I'm kidding!" James said, bursting out laughing. "Yeah, we should get some of that."

"Which kind?"

"I dunno. Patrick used this kind once that made everything all tingly and stuff, and it was awesome, but I don't know what it was."

A woman and her two children stood in the aisle looking at toothpaste, the lady giving Logan a strange look. Logan blushed and waved a little as James reached forward to toss the product into the cart.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about," James sang as they moved on. "It's like when chicks get tampons. Gay guys get lube all the time and nobody cares."

* * *

"How have you been feeling, Carlos?" the therapist asked Carlos as he sat casually in his chair.

"Pretty damn good since I started the new meds. I'm in better moods and I get sad a whole lot less."

"And Robin?"

"He hasn't been out to play. But he will, right? Eventually? He's not gone?"

"Why do you want him there in your head?"

"Well I just feel like if he disappears, I killed a man."

"But Robin is you, Carlos. Robin is the you that is hard-headed and neat and able to be nasty. You aren't killing someone, you're becoming stronger," the therapist said simply.

"But I like Robin. He cleans up my apartment and leaves me notes and food. Is he gone?"

"No, he isn't gone. You're just controlling yourself better," the therapist smiled. "How is your schizophrenia?"

"No episodes," Carlos shrugged. "I guess it's good. So can I leave soon?"

"I was just about to bring that up."

"Really?"

"I think you're ready to be discharged. Your meds are stabilized and you're feeling good, and that was my goal with you."

"When?"

"How about I call your parents to come and get you in the morning?"

Carlos' smile dropped.

"I thought you were happy?" the therapist asked.

"I am. But I haven't been out for months and months… I don't know if I can survive."

"Maybe you can stay with your parents for a while."

"Maybe," Carlos nodded. He wondered how different the outside world was now than it was six months ago.

* * *

Logan had to admit, watching James use an electric screwdriver to put the entertainment center together was kind of sexy. He was sweating a little bit, GLISTENING, if you will, as Logan held pieces together and James screwed them together.

"Quit staring at me," James said simply as his eyes consentrated on perfectly aligning the last piece.

"I can't help it."

James gave him a dazzling smile and drove the last screw in before stepping back and wiping his forehead.

"The TV and internet people at coming Wednesday," Logan said as he lifted the little TV onto the shelf and moved to the back to plug it into the wall. "But we can still watch movies on the DVD player."

"I love movies. Especially scary movies."

"Oh- I'm not a fan of horror."

"All the better. That means I can hold you and you can hide your face in my shoulder," James said, wiggling his brows. He pulled Logan away to plug the DVD player into the TV.

It was strange for Logan to think about how attractive James' ass was. Even when he was more attracted to women, he wasn't an "ass-man", and looking at other men's bottom sides wasn't attractive. Maybe it was the fact that Logan knew that someday soon he would be able to do inappropriate things to James that made it attractive. Maybe it was just because James' ass was toned and just BEAUTIFUL.

"Are you staring at my ass?" James called.

"I am."

"Okay. That's cool."

James stood up again and wiggled with brows at Logan, approaching and pulling their hips together.

"Like what you see?" he asked.

"Maybe," Logan smirked as he was kissed.

"I like yours, too," James said between kisses.

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hm. It's just so little and cute."

"Thanks?"

James said nothing else as their kiss deepened.

"I could kiss you all day," Logan said quietly as he turned James around and sat him on the arm of the couch.

"Then do it," James giggled, face tilted up to feel Logan's now.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" Logan asked, thumb rubbing the side of James' hand as he pulled onto James' street.

"Full."

"We ate two hours ago. I'm getting hungry," Logan admitted.

"But I haven't eaten something so filling in forever."

"But you're gonna stay away from the bathroom, right?"

"For you."

"So this means… Two days clean?"

"Actually, it's been a really long time. Maybe a week."

Logan lit up and sent flutters into James' heart.

"You're doing so good," he said, glancing over at James. "I think you get kisses for that."

James grinned, loving that Logan was rewarding him for good behavior. And kisses were DEFINITELY a good reward.

"But how are you feeling about talking to your mom, is what I meant," Logan said.

"A little nervous, just cause she's scary."

"Which house is it again?"

"That one," James pointed to an upcoming huge white house, and Logan pulled into it.

"Okay… I'll see you tomorrow," Logan said.

"What? I thought you wanted to stay the night."

"I did, but I think that I would die waking up nervous in bed with you and in a foreign house."

"Okay," James pouted. "I'll text or call you."

"Okay," Logan smiled, leaning on the glove box and letting James kiss him goodbye. He would never get tired of those soft and mushy lips, perfectly hydrated and an expert at complimenting Logan's own sloppy and inexperienced kisses. And he happened to love the slapping noise their lips made when they separated for air and the suction was released.

James got out of the car and waved as Logan pulled out of the driveway and left.

"Mom! I'm home!" James called, entering the huge house and closing the door.

"I'm in my office!" he heard her yell faintly and he made his way to the hallway and to her office. The hall was pretty plain, the walls painted and a few pictures of James in various stages of childhood, some with Brooke in them.

"Where were you?" Brooke asked when he entered her little office. She looked up at him with thickly made-up eyes that matched his in color.

"I stayed the night with Logan at his new apartment."

"Hm," she said, looking back at her computer. "Did you have sex?"

"No, Mom. I'm not ready for sex yet. He sure is, but I'm not and he knows it," James sighed, sitting in a leather chair.

Somehow Brooke knew all. The night after James and Patrick had sex for the first time (at Patrick's apartment), she asked James how it was, James being confused as to how she knew. To this day it's still a mystery to him.

"It's good that he respects your wants, then, I suppose," she said. "Listen, Jamie, I need to talk to you."

"Yeah, me too."

"I need you to move out."

James paused, suddenly confused.

"I'm selling the house and moving closer to the office in Paoli," she said.

"Paoli's an hour away. When will I ever see you?"

"We'll talk on the phone. And you can come up and see me any time."

James sighed and slumped down in his chair. Like Logan, he was close with his mother and loved her to bits. He didn't want her to move so far away.

"So maybe you should be looking into apartments," she said. "I can help you with payments."

"I already have somewhere to go. That's what I wanted to talk to you about- I wanted to see how you felt about me moving in with Logan."

Brooke's brows furrowed and she looked at her son.

"You've known him for less than a month, Jamie," she said, troubled.

"Yeah, and we've been dating for less than a day," James shrugged.

"You're going too fast."

"There's two bedrooms in the apartment and he didn't want to get a stranger to move in. I'm gonna start off in the other bedroom and when we get more serious I'll sleep with him."

"Now he's going to know that you're helpless. You need him to be in love with you before he can know those things."

"Well I need to move out and I'm going there. Okay?"

"Alright," she sighed, shaking her head.

"Alright."

* * *

"Hey, wanna go play some basketball?" Kendall asked, entering Carlos' room casually.

"Can't," Carlos said brightly, turning. Kendall's eyes caught the pile of clothes in the center of the room, Carlos clearing out his drawers.

"You're packing."

"Yeah. I'm leaving tomorrow," Carlos grinned excitedly.

"Are you trying to make me feel like shit?"

"Noooo, I just figured, like, since you're my friend you would be happy for me," Carlos said.

"I'm just an acquaintance who keeps you company," Kendall grumbled. "And I guess I'm glad I can be alone with Jo now."

Carlos paused, staring at Kendall.

"That was hurtful," he said softly.

"What did you expect?"

Carlos sighed and continued his work. Kendall was a total asshole, yes, but he was fun to play sports and hang out with.

"Do James and Logan know?" Kendall asked.

"No- I'm gonna call them tomorrow some time," Carlos said. "They say we're gonna go out and have fun when I get outta here."

"Must be nice to have friends."

"I'm your friend."

"No. You're an acquaintance," Kendall argued.

"Jo's your friend."

"She's my girlfriend."

"Has 'friend' in it."

"Whatever, Carlos."

"Can I have your phone number?"

"No I don't want you calling me when I get out."

"Why?"

"Because once I'm out, I don't want anything reminding me of here," Kendall said sternly.

"What about Jo? Will you dump her?"

"Maybe."

"Okay… Well then I guess after I leave you don't want me to visit?"

"No."

"So I'll probably never see you again?"

"Guess not."

"Oh…" Carlos said softly, hating goodbyes.

"And when you see Logan and James, tell them that since I'll never see them again, I guess I should say that I'm sorry for being a dick to them."

"Are you really?" Carlos melted.

"No. But I don't want them to always hate me, even if we never see each other again."

"So what does it matter?"

"I don't know, Carlos."

"Okay. I'll tell them."

* * *

**This was an uncomfortable chapter- I dunno what the crap. But I hope you still liked it, and I think we're nearing the end, my friends.**


	14. Reunion and Confessions

Carlos was pleasantly surprised to find that the world hadn't changed much in 6 months. He watched the world go by from the back seat of his parent's car, Minnesota looking just like it had when he left it. He was freaked out at first- he hadn't been outside of those blank walls of the recreation area of the hospital in so long. But then he remembered what he loved about the world- the singing birds and the cool breeze and the people who he didn't know.

"I'm going out with my friends tonight," he piped up.

"Friends?" his mom asked in surprise.

"Yeah. I met them at the hospital and they were released a while ago. They're dating now and they're taking me out to celebrate," Carlos said with an excited grin.

"To where? You can't go drinking- you're not old enough," Papi said.

"Yeah, I dunno what we're gonna do. Probably grab some grub and find somewhere to go."

"You could go see a movie," his mother suggested.

"Yeah, that would be fun, but I feel like I'd be the third wheel," he said.

"You'll be the third wheel no matter what," she said. "If they're dating now, you'll be left out of some things."

Carlos twisted his lips, suddenly doubting his friends. He just imagined them at a movie, Carlos leaning over to do commentary to James only to find his friend occupied with making out with Logan.

* * *

Logan opened his apartment door to find a VERY handsome looking James. He was wearing a light blue flannel and jeans, his short hair made up and cologne just thick enough to drive Logan nuts.

"SOMEONE looks sexy," James said, stealing the words from Logan's mouth.

"I was about to say the same thing," Logan laughed as James kissed him and entered. "I look like this every day- you're the good looking one."

"Maybe you look sexy every day," James said slyly, making Logan laugh. "Carlos'll be here any minute."

"I thought you were picking him up."

"I was, but he called and told me he was driving himself."

"Weird."

"Yeah."

Soon enough, Carlos arrived with big smiles and huge hugs. He had missed his friends and was excited to have a fun night.

"Still crazy?" James asked.

"Only a little bit nowadays," Carlos winked.

* * *

They ended up going to see a new Paranormal Activity movie at the theater.

James sat between Logan and Carlos, popcorn in his lap for everyone's access.

It started off fine and dandy, Logan happy with the simple hand-holding. The movie's exposition was innocent enough- nothing scary and Carlos and James were quiet as church mice.

As soon as it started to get scary, James and Carlos started whispering to one another and giggling like school girls. Logan was angry- he had TOLD James that he didn't like scary movies, and now his big, protective boyfriend was too preoccupied to comfort Logan.

Every time a jump-scare would happen, James and Carlos would burst into laughter as Logan was on the end, hugging his knees, James not even noticing that he had let go of his hand.

Carlos was happy that his mother had been wrong. He expected James and Logan to be making out over there, Carlos having no fun, but he was so wrong. He felt bad for Logan- he seemed freaked out- but he was having a blast making jokes and commentary with James.

Neither of them noticed when Logan got up with his drink and left the theatre. He had only agreed to a scary movie because he thought that James would be there to hide into and to cover his eyes when scary things were about to happen.

He couldn't say he was mad at James. He was glad that he was showing Carlos a good time. He was just a bit irritated. But he didn't want to stay in that theater- he was tired of jumping out of his skin and hiding his eyes in his knees.

At the end of the movie, the lights dimmed on and James and Carlos stood, popcorn raining down from their clothes, residue from their little food-fight earlier.

"Where's Logan?" James asked, looking around.

"Did you lose your boyfriend?"

"Shit. I bet he's mad."

Carlos followed James out of the theater and they searched the crowd, finding nothing. Finally they found Logan on a bench beside the door, leg crossed over the other, sipping his drink.

"I'm SO sorry," James pleaded.

Logan got up and shrugged.

"I know you hate scary movies and I shoulda paid more attention to you," James said. "I just- I missed Los."

"Don't be mad. It's my fault," Carlos begged.

"I'm not mad," Logan laughed.

James let out a relieved breath, glad that Logan wasn't angry.

"Can we eat at a pizza place?" Logan asked thoughtfully.

"I can't tell if you're beyond pissed or really not at all," Carlos said, eyes squinted.

"I'm not mad."

"So why did you leave?"

"Because I was afraid," Logan shrugged. "And James wasn't helping. But can we get pizza?"

"…Yeah…" James said, surprised when Logan wove his fingers with James' and got to his toes to kiss his lower cheek and whisper in his ear.

"This is date number four, sir," Logan whispered as close to James' ear as his height would permit. "I think we may be overdue."

James laughed, knowing that Logan was talking about the "sex after 3 dates" thing that James had mentioned so long ago.

* * *

Carlos sat in the booth across from Logan and James in the local pizza place. It was a bit crowded, but James insisted the place served amazing pizza. He had even ordered for them.

"Kendall wanted me to tell you guys something," Carlos said, watching James put an arm over the back of his and Logan's booth after ordering.

"Is it that he hates us?" Logan asked, sipping his Coke.

"Actually, no," Carlos laughed. "He wanted me to tell you guys that he's sorry for being an asshole to you guys."

"How sweet," Logan grumbled.

"Is he getting any better?" James asked.

"Nope. Even though we spent the whole time together after you guys left, he still didn't give me his number. Said he was gonna break up with Jo after he left because he didn't want any reminders of this place," Carlos grumbled.

"What an asshole," James said.

"Yeah, but I don't wanna talk about the hospital anymore," Carlos sighed. "Let's talk about something happy. Like tell me about your new apartment!"

"It's really nice. Pretty big, two bedrooms, nice kitchen and bathroom. It's not really HOME yet, I don't guess, but it's getting there."

"He's moving in this weekend," Logan said. "We could use your help."

"I'll be there," Carlos said excitedly. "But hey- aren't you guys going a little fast?"

"Yeah," James shrugged.

"But if he wasn't moving in, I wouldn't be able to afford rent and I would have to get a stranger to be my roommate," Logan said. "And we'll be in separate bedrooms."

"How long is THAT gonna last?" Carlos giggled, but his smile dropped. "Have you guys done IT yet?"

"That's random and kind of personal," James laughed.

"Nuh-uh! I'm your all's best friend!"

"No, we haven't. Not yet," Logan said, his hand moving to James' knee beneath the table.

"He got close once," James retorted.

"He fainted," Logan giggled.

"Day-um, Logie, you're that big?" Carlos winked.

"We were fully clothed," James said in defense. "I just… Have this problem sometimes… Where I pass out if I get too excited. But it's only cause I'm abnormally large, so THERE."

Carlos laughed and put his hands up in defense.

"It was quite a surprise to me when we were making out one minute, then he's telling me he doesn't feel good and THUNK! He's on the ground," Logan laughed.

"I didn't want to do it anyway. He trapped me and seduced me, Los, it was almost rape," James said in mock innocence.

"I'm sure it was," Carlos laughed. "Is that why you were getting 'too excited'?"

"Okay, you make out with this boy for a few minutes and just see what he says and does and YOU don't get turned on."

"I'm straight."

"Even better."

Logan's hand, invisible to Carlos, trailed up higher on James' leg, James' hand laying on his before it could get too high. James shot him a look and Logan just bit his lip.

He had no idea why he was so turned on tonight, but that was just typical for him nowadays.

"Our innocent, blushing little Logie is a sex beast?" Carlos asked, impressed, oblivious to what was going on beneath the table.

"Hell yeah. He's been trying to fuck me ever since he got medicated in the hospital," James laughed, jumping as Logan's hand managed to climb his leg. James gripped his hand hard, not wanting to faint in the middle of the restaurant. "He likes to think he's sneaky, but he's not."

Logan scooted closer and leaned his head on James' shoulder.

"Quit that," James laughed. "I'm gonna move."

"Quit what?" Logan asked innocently.

"I'm gonna go wash my hands before the food gets here," Carlos said, oblivious, as he scooted from the booth.

"Even if you moved over there I could still do things to you and you know it," Logan sang, looking up deviously at James.

"Why are you doing this here? Can't you wait?"

"Does that mean we can do nasty things when we get to my place?" Logan asked brightly.

"Didn't say that. We've been together for three DAYS, Loge. And we've known each other for like a month."

"So? I like you, you like me. Is it Patrick?"

"What? No."

"Are you afraid that I'll leave you once I get what I want?"

"I just think you want to go faster than me is all," James said reassuringly.

"Cause I think I want to marry you and adopt cute babies with you," Logan said. "And I think the sooner we fuck, the sooner we can do that. I think the wedding should be… Next month?"

James grinned, realizing that Logan was joking.

"But really… I've never had a serious boyfriend OR girlfriend, but I know that right now I want to be with you… Forever," Logan said sweetly. "So I don't think it matters how soon we do it."

"Are you being serious?"

"Well… Yeah…"

James' heart fluttered as he tilted Logan's chin up to kiss him.

"That's so sweet," he melted.

"But I don't want you to be uncomfortable about it," Logan said. "I'll wait for you. But just saying, I'm about to explode. But I'll slow down when you say slow down, but I think you should try speeding up."

"You know that porn exists, right? And you've got a hand…"

"Yeah, but I'm only ever turned on around you, and I can't very well do that when you're there, can I?"

"You could."

"Could not," Logan laughed as Carlos sat across from them again.

"Could not what?" he asked.

"Eat a plate of spaghetti in two minutes," Logan said simply, breaking from James' gaze to face Carlos.

"I could," Carlos said proudly.

"Oh yeah right," James said.

"I could!"

"I'll have to see that," James laughed. Logan took the opportunity of distraction to slip his hand the rest of the way to James' crotch and squeeze a little, making James jump, hit his knee on the bottom of the table, and get up.

"Hands to yourself!" James hissed as he shoved Carlos over and sat beside him.

"I'm not much better, honey," Carlos said in a lispy voice, making James crack up in laughter and make Logan giggle.

"It's okay if it's YOU," James said flirtatiously as the pizza arrived.

* * *

"Can't you stay the night?" Logan pouted, back against James' car's passenger side door. His hands were entwined with James' and it was a sticky summer night, crickets chirping and kids playing in the streetlight down the street.

"I have to help my mom pack up the house tonight," James said. "And tomorrow. Then the next day I'm moving here."

Logan pouted and pulled James to him by the waist for a hug.

"You're doing so good with your eating," he said.

"Awe."

"Would you tell me if you were throwing up again?"

"No."

"But… You wouldn't lie if I asked, right?"

"I'm not throwing up anymore," James said reassuringly.

"Good. You feel softer than when I met you."

"Thanks," James retorted angrily. Logan pulled away, leaning his back on the car again and grinning.

"I like it. It's hard to cuddle with a bony person, after all," he said. "I think you're even sexier now."

James smiled a little, looking down into dark eyes, which reflected the streetlight above them.

"Did you mean what you said about wanting to be with me forever?" he asked quietly.

"Of course I did, baby," Logan smiled.

"You've never called me that."

"Is that okay?"

"I'm all for pet names," James nodded, but his smile faded quickly. "But… Logan, I don't want to keep you waiting on sex for too long…Because I'm afraid you'll find someone else who WILL do it with you and-"

"James, what the hell? Do I seem like someone who would cheat?"

James fell silent, shaking his head.

"Yeah, I'm a horny bastard, but I want YOU to take my virginity. I'll wait on you."

"It's just… Patrick told me that he loved me every day, he would kiss me like we would be together forever. And we were gonna get married- you know that," James said, dropping his eyes. "I won't put up with cheating, Logan."

"Why are you so paranoid about this?"

"I lied to you when we met," James said, looking up at Logan. "Patrick… He knew about my condition from day one and he basically fed the fire. He didn't dump me because of it…"

"James… You're scaring me," Logan said uneasily, watching James' face turn grim and serious.

"I was so in love with Patrick, you know? I was young and stupid, yeah, but I was sure that he was the one," James said, looking down at their entwined fingers. "I found some texts in his phone between him and some guy- sexy texts and pictures. He had been seeing that guy for half a year and I had no idea. They fucked on a regular basis and I was too stupid it see it. That's why I got tested after we broke up."

Logan was dumbfounded.

"I confronted Patrick about it and he got really pissed off at ME. He… He hit me, Logan. And that's not okay by me. My boyfriend can hit me when he's pissed- I'll be his punching bag- but not when they're pissed at ME. That's a different kind of hit. I didn't want to hurt him, but he HIT me."

"What did you do?" Logan asked, letting go of James' hands and pressing himself hard against the car, suddenly afraid of what words came next.

"No, I didn't KILL him or anything," James said quickly. "I kicked him out. I was physical about it, but I didn't hit him or anything. And… He beat at the door all night, yelling at me, telling me he hated me and that he never loved me and that he was only gonna marry me for my money. And I'm sorry I lied about this at first, Logan, but that's the story I told my mom. Only you, me, Patrick, probably Patrick's little boyfriend, and the therapist know the truth. And I wanted you to know the truth and know exactly WHY I'm so fucked up about relationships. And if you want out, tell me now. If you ever feel like cheating, just tell me. I'll let you go. You don't have to go behind my back. And I don't deal with violence when we're fighting. That's not okay. And… I'm fucked up so bad because of him. I was so in love with him and he broke me- cheated and made me anorexic. And then we broke up, I dwelled so hard on him. I don't even know why- I HATED him. But I still thought about him constantly- all the way up to when we met."

Logan just stared up at his boyfriend, taking all this in, completely shocked. He shook his head a little and slammed into James' arms around his torso, squeezing him tight.

"I'm not Patrick," Logan whispered as James hugged him back.

"That's what they kept saying," James said.

"I'm falling in love with you," Logan murmured, cheek on James' chest, hearing James' heart flutter a little at the words. "And I promise you, James, I won't hurt you. Not emotionally and especially not physically. I grew up with an abusive dad, remember? You don't have to be afraid of getting into another relationship- I'm not, nor will I ever be Patrick. Okay? You're not enslaved by your and his past anymore. I'm freeing you, and I'm asking you to move on with me. I'll protect you and I'll love you every day of our lives."

Logan pulled away to look seriously up to James.

"I don't know what possessed you to be with him so long and want to marry him, but you're with the right person now. Okay?"

Logan reached up to wipe the few tears shed by James and give a little smile. Honestly, that was probably the deepest, most heartfelt monologue he had ever given.

"That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me," James said with a choked laugh. "That was…"

He suddenly swooped down to lock his lips with Logan's, his arms tight around Logan's waist and Logan's around his neck.

"I'll be your Band-Aid," Logan whispered as James broke the kiss to hug him tight. "As long as you love me back."

"It's a deal."


	15. Two Steps Back

James sat in his usual spot in Dr. Andry's office as she settled in across from him. The colors of the office, the smell, the hum of the computer, the furniture made him sad inside, just remembering his time here in the hospital not long ago.

"Hello, James, long time no see," she said brightly.

"It's been a minute."

"What have you been into since you left?"

"Nothing much except that I have a new boyfriend," James sang.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's Logan- I'm moving into his apartment today after I get out of my therapy session."

"Are you nervous about that?"

"A little, just cause I've never lived away from home. And everyone keeps saying that we're going too fast, but it feels right, you know? And he needs me to move in to help with rent."

"Have you expressed this to Logan?"

"Yeah. He says that we're going REALLY fast, but since we'll be together forever, what does it matter what speed we're taking it?" James said.

"Do you find hurt in those words? Together forever?"

"They scare me a little bit… I told him the truth about Patrick. Like- all of it. He was sweet about it- like he is with everything- and said that he would help me."

"What happens when he tells you he loves you?"

"I think the bigger question is what happens when I love him."

"Do you believe that you're starting to feel that way?"

"Oh, definitely. There're times when we're alone, just, like, cooking or laying in his bed and I almost say it. Because at that time, I'm feeling like I love him, but I know that I can't possibly fall for him so soon."

"Love knows no time, James," Dr. Andry reminded him.

"I know that. Maybe I just don't want to scare him. Nobody's ever said that to him before. Well, besides his mom. I know those words scared ME the first time I heard them."

"I think you just don't want to believe that what you're feeling IS love because you don't want to get your heart broken. Because you loved Patrick so deeply that when he hurt you, it demolished your heart," she said simply. "Do you trust Logan with your love?"

"No," James said, ashamed. "I barely trust my own mother with my love."

"Maybe the first step to accepting it is to come up with an alternative thing to say, instead of 'I love you'."

"I like you deeply?"

"No," she laughed. "Something like… 'you're amazing'. Have you ever talked to HIM about love?"

"He's never been in love before. I don't think he would know it if he DID love me."

"How would you feel if he told you that he did?"

"Really excited. I might even say it back. But I know how loosely that can be thrown around- Patrick told me he loved me until the day I caught him."

"Maybe he did still love you."

"Then he's a sick bastard. That's not my idea of love."

"What about sex? I know you're very young, but you have strong emotions and I know it must be a factor."

"Logan's a virgin, but he's constantly trying to seduce me. Obviously I've had sex before- I dated Patrick for all that time. But sex is a big factor in a relationship. I heard that when you have sex with someone, they're forever etched into your brain. No matter how much I want it, I know that Logan can hurt me bad with it."

"Is he impatient with you because of that?"

"Yeah. But he gets where I'm coming from. Sex to me is a really emotional thing. I've only done it with one person and I loved him a lot. It's not something to play around with. I don't think that Logan believes that. It's hard to come across a person my age who DOES believe that sex is an emotional connection- to them, it's just fun and no big deal."

"Patrick didn't believe in that, either."

"Yeah… Maybe that's why I'm hesitant."

"We're spending all this time talking about love, what do you HATE lately?"

"Not much. I'm pretty well distracted. But if I had to name a few…" James stopped to think. "I hate that my mom's moving away. I didn't tell you about that- she's moving to Paoli without me. I'm gonna miss her a lot. And I hate that Logan's afraid of me in the morning because of his anxiety. And I hate that sometimes, even when I'm with Logan, I get sad and want to go back to my old ways, but he's so proud of me for improving."

"When was the last time you forced yourself to vomit?"

"Not since, like, days and days before I left here. It would be harder if I didn't have Logan and his really nice mom and Carlos to distract me. I have to say, I'm proud of MYSELF. I'm even eating more."

"But you're still tempted to do it?"

"Yeah. Sometimes. I even got so far as kneeling in front of the toilet one night before I snapped out of it."

"What triggers the depression?"

"I dunno. Different things, like when Logan's mad at me. We fight a lot, and my mom says that's a sign of a good relationship because we care so much already. And I get depressed when I come home to see boxes everywhere. And when Carlos tells me he's having a tough time in the real world."

"What do you do to turn it off?"

"I draw and listen to music- singing along makes me feel better. I talk to Logan on the phone- sometimes in the middle of the night. He's mad at first, but then I tell him WHY I had to talk to him and he stays up with me."

"What do you draw?"

"I've already drawn everyone I know," James laughed. "So lately I've started to draw sweet little scenes of love. Like two people holding hands and cuddling and kissing and stuff. I love love, you know? Logan likes to paint, but neither of us have any paints- we should get some. He's not good at it, but he likes it."

"Your mind drifts to him a lot."

"Duh it does."

"Do you ever feel like you're not worthy of him?"

James hesitated, the thought just crossing his mind.

"Why? Do you think I'm not?"

"I've never met Logan. I asked YOU," Dr. Andry said.

"Well… I guess I've never thought of that. I think he thinks HE'S not worthy of ME. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time- especially when we talk about me gaining weight. He thinks I look sexier with some 'meat on my bones'."

"It's interesting that you're not good enough for yourself, but you think you are for him."

"I'm started to be okay in my own skin."

"Do you think that he's below your standards?"

"No. He's better than me. He's emotionally strong and charming and VERY handsome and funny. I guess it's the way that he looks at me and touches me that makes me know that he worships me."

"And he's also teaching you to love yourself."

"He is."

"Okay, James, our session is over. It was great to see you- you can make another appointment at the desk."

* * *

"What's she doing here?" Logan hissed to his mother as Turner and Darla entered his apartment.

"Turner wanted to help set up the bed and things and Darla came along just because," Joanna shrugged. "Be nice."

Logan grumbled and turned to James, who was behind him.

"Can we kill her?" he asked with a little pout.

"Soon, my Lord. Soon," James whispered jokingly, making Logan burst into giggles, James following after.

James didn't have much except clothes to bring in, and he, Carlos, Logan, and Joanna had easily brought it all into the apartment in a few trips.

James felt his heart well up as Logan grinned up at him, dimples driving him nuts and dark eyes shining. Oh, gosh, here it came.

"You're amazing," he murmured instead of what he WANTED to say- I love you.

Logan seemed to brighten up even more.

"You are, too," he said. "Can I have a kiss?"

"Definitely."

It was only a short kiss before Logan broke it and leaned into James' chest.

"When did you and Patrick say you loved each other?" he asked, taking James by surprise.

"Um… he said it when we were three months in."

"That's too far away."

The insinuation made James' heart soar, making him want to cry with glee. Oh, Logan was so discrete yet so obvious.

"The heart knows no time," he whispered, quoting his therapist.

Logan was having a tug-of-war with himself. So many times had he wanted to say it to James, but he knew that James was fragile and may not be able to take it. Plus, he was young and ignorant- how did he even KNOW that he loved James?

He had made the decision to look up at James, right in the eyes, and say it, strong and confident. But he was interrupted.

"Um… That's not good," James said, staring at the open bathroom door. Joanna and Turner were in James' bedroom, putting together the bed.

Logan turned and his jaw dropped in awe.

There, in the bathroom, in plain sight, stood Carlos and Darla, the Latino pinned against the sink with his hands on Darla's hips as they made out.

"Did you tell him about her?" Logan asked.

"No… Did you?"

Logan growled to himself and surged forward and into the bathroom. He grabbed Carlos' arm and pulled him away.

"Logan!" Carlos groaned.

"She's a whore, Los," Logan said, staring into Darla's light eyes. GOSH he hated her. And he knew that Carlos was just a little puppy- so vulnerable- and he could NOT get involved with Darla.

"What a nasty thing to say," Carlos said in surprise.

"It's true!"

"It IS kind of true..." Darla said innocently, grabbing Carlos' fingers lightly.

"Stop it! Los is too nice and innocent!" Logan growled, pulling his friend away and out of the bathroom. "You don't want to mess with her, buddy. She's made moves on me AND James and she told me she has an STD."

"I think I'm in loooove," Carlos said dreamily.

"Too bad."

* * *

James basically threw Logan onto the bed, pinning him as their mouths connected, not even fooling around with simple kisses and going on with tongue and teeth. Everyone had FINALLY left and Logan was driving James crazy with his sexy kisses and devious looks from across the room.

James' fingers curled into Logan's waistband and this time he was allowed to pull Logan's pants down, his boxers going with.

"James!"

Without hesitation, James pulled Logan's shirt up to kiss his stomach, trailing down… Down… Down…

Logan bit his lip, watching as his boyfriend neared the place where he SHOULD be kissing, but James couldn't see his thighs…

"Can we turn off the lights?" he asked.

"No way!"

James' fingers were on Logan's scars on his hips, thinking nothing of it. He knew they were there.

He pulled Logan's pants off the rest of the way, tossing them to the ground.

James pulled his shirt off over his head, Logan doing the same.

"Lose the pants," Logan whispered into James' mouth as they kissed again, Logan keeping James' hands from his outer thighs.

"I'm teasing you."

Logan smirked and made to flip James to his back, completely not succeeding and sending James into a fit of rib-splitting laughter, falling onto the bed.

"Wow. Way to ruin the mood," Logan grinned, shoving James' shoulder.

"I'm sorry- you just- you were trying to be so smooth-" James laughed. "And this isn't a movie! This is real life, Logie!"

Logan laughed and clapped his hand down hard on James' jeaned ass, giggling.

"Oooh, may I have another?" James smirked with a wink.

"Hey- you didn't pass out this time!" Logan said in mock happiness.

James giggled a little more before he flipped himself over and tried to compose himself. He was so into it, and he blew it. No- he didn't blow it. He knew that they would try again when he was ready.

"Okay. Let's resume," he finally breathed. Logan grinned and sat on James, kissing him. James groaned, his hands rubbing up and down Logan's thighs, making Logan nervous.

James felt the smooth ridges of Logan's self-harm scars as they kissed. Logan had a lot more than he had- James always cut his hips, thinking the thighs were too risky.

His fingers ran along the stamps of his boyfriend's past until he got a little higher, where the scars got rougher… Different feeling. Fresher feeling.

He broke the kiss to sit up a little and look.

James and Logan's breath caught as James saw the red slashes below the black curly hair on Logan's outer thigh.

Yes, those were fresh.

"James-" Logan whispered, but James had already made to get up, tossing Logan onto the bed carelessly and storming off to the bathroom. He needed to be alone.

Tears welled up in Logan's eyes as he hugged his knees. He knew he shouldn't have cut himself. It was only a few times, but still ENOUGH. How could he encourage James to stop HIS self-harm and still do it to himself? He felt horrible.

James furiously swiped at the tears running down his face, slamming the bathroom door.

Logan. That hypocrite.

That liar.

That…

That…

Helpless soul.

James was completely convinced that Logan was happy- doing perfectly fine. Seeing those fresh cuts told James that he wasn't doing a good job caring for this fragile boy.

He whirled around and landed a hard punch in the wall, where the door would be if it was open. The drywall crumbled and cracked, caving in and leaving James' hand to bruise.

He knew he should be comforting Logan, seeing WHY he did it… But he was too mad at Logan to do that.

He looked down and watched his fists and arms shake, sniffling. He sat against the wall, trying to think of what to do.

James felt his stomach lurch. Oh, was his body doing this FOR him now? He put his hand over his mouth, shaking his head furiously, telling himself to NOT do it!

James' eyes squeezed shut, his head shaking furiously. NO! What the hell was his problem? Yes, he was sad, but he wasn't going to stick his finger down his throat for it. But his body seemed to WANT the painful cleansing of the habit… But James didn't. Not this time.

His stomach lurched again and this time he had to spew into the toilet bowl, sobbing, trying not to choke.

No, he didn't do it consciously. But he hadn't been this emotional in so long, his body seemed to MAKE it happen. But the vomit didn't make him feel better this time- it made him cry and want to punch ANOTHER hole in the wall.

Logan put his boxers back on, feeling awkward among other things. He crawled beneath the blankets, hugging and crying into the other pillow.

He hadn't meant to cut.

He was just starting to get immune to his meds, like his doctor warned him about, and he was feeling some weird things. But overall, he was depressed for no reason. He never told James- he didn't know why.

So many times Logan should have asked James to stay the night to keep him away from the razor and chase away the bad feelings that came after his boyfriend was gone. James would understand if Logan had just come out and said that he was sad, or even that he cut himself and he was sorry.

Through the wall, he heard a loud BANG! and knew that James had punched something.

"I'm sorry!" he yelled half-heartedly, knowing James wouldn't hear.

After a while, he had calmed down and was only sniffling now, waiting for something to happen.

He thought he heard something through the wall…

He held his breath, listening.

Beyond angry and freaked out, Logan jumped up and stormed to the bathroom, flinging the door open.

Yes, just as he thought. James was gripping the toilet seat, head in the bowl, puking his brains out.

Logan surged forward and grabbed a tuft of James' hair, pulling his head up and flushing the toilet. He shoved James down to sit on the linoleum.

"What do you think you're doing?" he snapped. James was sobbing, face in his knees.

"Logan, I p-promise you, t-that wasn't me. I had no c-control!"

Logan didn't know if he believed James or not, but he sighed and searched the walls, finding the place where James had landed his fist in the wall.

"Come talk to me when you're feeling rational," he said softly, going back to bed.

James watched his boyfriend leave, trying to get himself together.

* * *

"I'll fix the wall later," he whispered, laying in the bed and facing Logan but not touching him.

Logan was silent, looking at James' collarbone.

"Can I have some answers?" James asked.

"Like?"

"Why are you cutting again?"

"I'm building up immunity to my meds and need to get a higher dosage. It's not that I have anything to be unhappy about… You make sure of that. But I can't help it."

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have stayed with you."

"You would put your fist through the wall and throw up in my toilet," Logan laughed a little. "OUR toilet."

"Well it hurts me a little more to find out you've been hiding it."

"I've only done it four times max."

"That's four too many."

"I know you're mad because I wouldn't let you do your form of self harm, yet I was doing it behind your back."

"Yeah. I've been trying really hard with this, and it's frustrating to find out that you're not putting any effort in."

"You're stronger that me… You're getting through this without meds," Logan said with a sniffle. "But I can't do that. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain- I HAVE to have meds."

"I understand that. But it's hard to find out that your boyfriend hates himself when you love him to death," James said softly, nobody thinking anything of the word "love". "Do you hate yourself?"

"I hate my fucking guts," Logan laughed pitifully.

"Why?"

"Because I can't help it. I've never really liked myself."

"Have you tried… Suicide?"

"No. I've thought about it. Thought about calling you and saying goodbye and just… Drowning in the tub."

A tear rolled and dripped over the bridge of James' nose, his hazel eyes searching Logan's dark and numb ones.

"I think I need to take you back to the hospital," he said softly. Logan's dark eyes flickered up, fearful now.

"No. You can't!"

"Baby, if you're cutting and hating yourself and thinking about suicide, what else am I supposed to do?"

"I just need stronger meds," Logan insisted, tearing up.

"I'm afraid that one day you'll snap and I'll come home to find you in a bloody bathtub, dead," James said tearfully. "I can't lose you, Logan, because I love you and I wish YOU loved you, too."

Logan's shaky hand came up, knuckles on his mouth as he stared. Did he just say… ?

"And dammit, I didn't mean to say that but I guess it's too late now," James said.

"I feel horrible for what I did to you," Logan said shakily.

"It's my fault- I should have tried harder to make you happy."

"If I was even remotely emotionally stable, I would be SO happy, James. You're perfect and you make me happy. But then you leave and my meds wear off more."

"I don't care that you're fucked up- Lord knows I am, too. And I don't care that you can't be happy on your own. I just want you better."

"I'll call the psychiatrist tomorrow."

"I'm sorry for everything. That you feel that way, for punching the wall, for leaving you high and dry, for puking, for threatening to take you to the hospital, and for telling you that I love you."

"Why are you sorry for the last one?"

"Because it's too early and I don't even know that I feel that way. It just slipped out."

"I like hearing it."

James smiled a little as Logan scooted in, cuddling to his chest.

"I- I love you, Logan," James said, loving the way the words slipped through his teeth like silk.

"What does love feel like?"

"Like a crush, except so much more violent. Like, it makes you want to tear out your insides and hug the person all the time and dream about them and makes this tingly feeling from your chest up your throat every time you think about them."

Logan thought that if he said it now, James would think that he was just saying it because James had said it.

"Was it hard for you to say it to me?" Logan asked.

"No- it slipped. But it's sort of scary."

"Because you're afraid I'll break your heart? I won't."

"You already did."

Logan's heart dropped at the flatness in the statement. He placed a gentle kiss on James' chest- his heart.

"I'm sorry."

"If this happens again… You're going to the hospital."

"Okay," Logan whispered.

"We'll have sex another time."

This made Logan laugh, interring his face in James' chest.

"Should you sleep in your bed?" he asked after he had settled down.

"What? You mean I have to USE that thing?" James asked in mock confusion.

"I mean… As much as I love waking up scared to death of you-"

"With your morning wood pressed up on me."

"Are you complaining?"

"Nope. Not at all. Do you want me to go?"

"No. Will you do me a favor, though?"

"Yup."

"In the morning, don't let me run from you. Make me face you."

"Are you sure?" James asked tentatively. He knew how afraid Logan got in the mornings…

"Yeah. I need to be comfortable with you medicated or not."

"Alright," James agreed. "How are you right now?"

"I'm okay. I love you, though."

James started to laugh, but then stopped, puzzled.

"What?"

"What what?"

"Logan," James laughed.

"I said I love you," Logan said softly, nervously awaiting a response.

"You do?"

"Yeah. Cause you're hot and funny and sweet and you cook me spaghetti and you deal with my moodiness and still tell me that you love me after I make you punch a wall and physically force you to throw up. Is that okay?"

"I just don't think you really know what you feel."

"I don't. Do you?"

"No."

"So we can only assume it's love."

James burst into giggles, loving the way Logan tried to justify them.

* * *

**You guys don't seem to be as into this as you used to be... Not sure what that's about.**

**But I feel like this story was about them and their mental conditions, and now that they're out of the hospital and sort of getting better, the story should be ending really soon. **


	16. Boogie Man

James woke up, like usual, before Logan, but he wasn't lying beside him. He was in his own bed, which he had only slept twice in two weeks in (when he and Logan fought and now). Now he was in the bed because Logan was sick as a dog yesterday and didn't want James to catch whatever he had, which James thought was kind of sweet.

He got up and padded out to the kitchen to make Logan some orange juice and get some ibuprofen and his medications (to a safe dosage now) before going into their bedroom.

Logan was snoring like a bear in the bed, propped up on the pillow to drain mucus in his throat and nose, the humidifier empty of water now.

The sound of James setting the glass of orange juice down on the bedside table sent Logan struggling awake.

"Morning, sunshine," James said, pressing his palm to Logan's forehead to find that his fever had broke. "How do you feel?"

"Better," Logan said, voice gruff but free of mucus. He had just recently been able to be comfortable around James in the mornings and night, and James really liked that, even if Logan still didn't say much.

James sat on the side of the bed and put the glass of juice in Logan's hand, then offered the pills, which Logan choked down.

"Do you think we can say that I'm too sick to go today?" Logan asked hopefully.

"You have to go," James murmured.

"I don't want to see him. I'll have nightmares."

"And I'll be there beside you to wake you up from them."

Logan sighed and took a sip of his juice. He had to go to the prison that day to see his father. There was "something John had to tell him that couldn't be said over the phone" and it was "very important". He didn't want to go, but Joanna told him that he needed to. Joanna would have gone herself, but Turner wouldn't let her go there for anything.

"Will you come with me?" Logan asked.

"You know I can't."

"But I'm scared of him," Logan said with heartbreaking sadness.

"I know. And I'll be waiting in the car for you."

* * *

Logan waited nervously in front of the window, other visitors chatting over the germy telephones set up, some pressing their hands to the glass to feel closer to the prisoner on the other line.

He tried doing calm breathing to help his anxiety. He didn't want to talk to his dad. His dad was dead to him- he had caused every single bump in Logan's road. Then again, he HAD brought James to him.

Ah, James. The man that Logan loved who was at the nearby Walmart getting leftover school supplies from a list Logan made. School was starting the very next day, actually, and Logan was anxious about that, too. He wished James could be here with him now, but he wasn't on the list to be able to see his dad. He wished James could go everywhere with him- he always made him feel better.

Finally someone sat in the seat across the glass from him and his eyes lifted.

His father looked different than how he remembered.

His sideburns had turned completely grey, his dark hair cut short. He had a stubbly beard of salt-and-pepper to cover his dimples, not that he would smile anyway, and his dark eyes were harder than they already had been. That face would give Logan nightmares.

Logan picked up the phone as his father did and held it to his ear, head bowed and eyes down like a puppy submitting to its dominant.

"Hello, son," his father said gruffly. Logan said nothing, just shifted a little. "You're all grown up. I haven't seen you since you were 14."

Four years. There was a reason behind that, Logan thought.

"How's your mom?"

Logan didn't want to talk to his father. He DIDN'T. But he knew that that could only make John angrier, and he never wanted to see his father angry again.

"She's got a really serious boyfriend now," Logan said softly.

"That bitch is lucky I signed for divorce," John smirked. Logan's eyes snapped up.

"Don't call her that," he ordered. He hated that word, especially when directed at his beloved mother.

"I see you never lost that pair you grew the night you decided you were bigger than me."

_Actually, I'll have you know, you left me really fucked up. Do you know how heavily medicated I am right now? Just so that I can talk to people, because YOU destroyed me._

"Well I guess it's good that I'm here then, right?"

"Listen, boy. I've got something really important to tell you."

"What?"

"I had a lot of money back in the day- I sold drugs, you know."

"I know."

"And I could see that I was going to prison soon, somehow, some way. So I hid it."

"Okay."

"It's in the basement- in a box that says 'old records'. There's a few hundies in every record sleeve- I'd say there's 85 hundred there. It doesn't look like I'll be out of here any time soon, and if I am I won't be allowed anywhere near that house."

"We don't need your money."

"I won't be getting outta here for long if I am," John said frankly. "C'mon, Logan. I know you've gotta have a girlfriend nowadays- buy her something nice. Maybe an engagement ring?"

"I'm gay."

"GAY?"

Logan jumped and suddenly wanted to burst into tears.

"GAY? How did I fuck up this bad?"

_I dunno, maybe it was the drug abuse and beating your wife in front of your child. Maybe it was almost killing your only son because he stood up to you. Maybe it was making your family's lives torture with your very presence. But you can't CAUSE gay. You can only cause severe mental damage to the point that your son goes to a hospital and finds out he's gay._

Logan felt that his father was getting angry and desperately wanted to leave. Wanted to find James and go out for ice cream and never talk about his father again.

"I think I'm gonna go now," he said softly.

"No! Stay here and tell me about this BOYFRIEND," John growled.

You know, Logan thought that his father may have changed a little since he was off the drugs. Maybe gotten nicer or at least less aggressive. He was starting to see that he was wrong.

"Is he a looker?"

Logan was silent, knowing his father was trying to degrade him, make him feel like dirt after he had just been nice. He knew his father never tolerated gays and Logan never thought he would have to tell him.

"Is he good in bed? Do you like his cock up your ass? I bet he sticks it all the way down your throat and you love to gag on it, right?"

Logan was confused- why wouldn't he just say goodbye and let Logan leave?

"HOW DID I RAISE A COCKSUCKER?" John was suddenly yelling, making Logan's lip quiver, eyes on the counter in front of him. Logan didn't care about his father's opinion of him. But John yelling and getting angry was making him very upset.

That glint in John's eyes came, sending Logan into flashbacks.

* * *

_"Stop it!" Logan screamed, shoving John away from his mother, who was wheezing on the carpet, ribs broken from the kicks. "STOP HITTING HER!"_

_"What're you gonna do about it?"_

_Logan pushed against his father with his shoulder as John tried to get at Joanna, who was trying to get up. At 14, he was very small and in the midst of puberty- he was a late bloomer. His muscles were scrawny, but he had to protect his beloved mother._

_"JUST LEAVE!" Logan yelled, adrenaline giving him strength. "WE BOTH HATE YOU!"_

_"I'LL KILL YOU!"_

_Suddenly Logan was flying across the room, hitting the hardwood floor of the dining room with a thud and skid._

_"John, leave him alone! Please!" Joanna was pleading, able to get up now- a lioness out to protect her cub._

_"I have to teach you not to talk to your father that way," John said, voice dangerous, down to Logan, whose dark eyes were strong and angry, yet he stayed down._

* * *

Logan's eyes flashed around the room behind his father, waiting for a security guard to take John away. None of the big men even looked at him.

"I'll kill you both if I ever get outta here!" John hissed into the phone.

Logan looked up into his father's angry eyes. Logan was used to this man threatening him and even his mother, but he couldn't threaten his James. James was his security. But right now, Logan was left vulnerable and weak without thim…

"I hate you," he said simply.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" John sprung up, pounding on the glass.

That one swift motion sent the rest of the flashback through Logan's mind.

* * *

_The 14-year-old looked up at his father as he brought a big boot down hard on his hand, crushing it to pieces. A boyish, throaty scream escaped his lips, his neck bending back. His mother tried to get his father from him, but the father shoved her away._

_That was the beginning of the end of Logan's life. The shatter of his hand._

_He tried to hold back the tears, but they escaped and rolled fiercely toward his ears._

_"Don't cry, you little pussy! You've been a pussy since the day you were born! Man up!"_

Give me a break, _Logan thought, _I'm 14 years old and scared for my life!

_"I HATE YOU!" Logan screamed, which earned him a blow to the ribs. He had said those three words countless times to John._

_The whole time his father was beating him and telling him how worthless he was, Logan laid there and sobbed as his mother tried to defend him. Eventually she sat on the floor beside him and held his shattered hand, telling him it would be okay._

_He passed out after a while, when his undeveloped body couldn't take anymore._

_He would have died if the police hadn't come when they did. One more blow to the head and that 14-year-old boy would be lost forever, and maybe his mother, too._

* * *

Logan dropped the phone, letting it clank to the countertop, and he jumped up, hurrying out of the room without looking back, hand over his mouth as tears sprang to his eyes.

Four years later and Logan still couldn't handle his father.

And he would never be able to again.

* * *

James knew that Logan would be upset when he came out of the prison, so he prepared himself. He had already gotten everything leftover that Logan needed for school the next day and was excited to go out to lunch with him.

He wasn't surprised when Logan came storming out of the doors, not even looking both ways before crossing to the car. His hand was over his mouth as tears streamed down his cheeks and soaked his hand.

Instead of getting into the car, Logan just kept walking without even looking into James' car.

"Hey!" James called, turning the car off and jumping out, running to catch up with Logan. Where was he even planning to go? There was just a road and a field across the way.

He caught up and caught Logan's hand, somehow triggering something in his boyfriend.

"Don't touch me!" Logan suddenly said in almost surprise, ripping his hand away, tears and snot running down his face.

"What happened?"

"Leave me alone!" Logan was screaming, tears pouring now, face red.

"No, Logan, you're about to run into traffic!"

James gripped Logan's arm just as a passing car honked angrily, thinking they were about to walk right in front of it.

"Stop!" James growled.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Suddenly Logan was tearing away, staring at James in horror, coiled up in defense. He was gasping for air now, having an absolute panic attack.

"…Okay… Take it easy," James said, hands up in surrender. Now Logan was a deer- any sudden movements and he would go flying into traffic.

Logan's lids fluttered. He felt like he was a war veteran hearing fireworks outside. He felt like he was going nuts. He didn't even realize he was about to walk into traffic or that he was screaming at James until then, and he didn't know why he was. James looked so horrified, confused, and hurt.

"Please don't," Logan said softly, turning away and gasping for air, his throat closing from the panic attack and crying.

"Can we go back to the car and get AWAY from traffic, please?" James asked after a second.

Instead, Logan turned, hands over his mouth and face bowed, and walked into James' chest, seeking comfort now. James felt like Logan was having a Carlos moment, where he wasn't himself and he was seeing and feeling things that didn't exist.

Well, James WAS dating a mentally unstable boy. He DID sign up for this.

James said nothing as he wrapped his long arms around his boyfriend, rubbing his back and listening to him sob. That sound made his heart shatter and made HIM want to cry. They got honked at a lot, but James was just glad that Logan was coming down from his hysteria now.

"H-he yelled at me and p-pounded on the window a-and I was so scared w-without you," Logan sobbed, barely audible because his voice was muffled by James' chest. He was shaking like a leaf.

James realized that he had become a safety line for Logan, and he wasn't sure if that was good or not.

"H-he had that look in his eye like h-he always had w-when he hurt us."

"I don't know your dad, but I wish I could kill him."

"I wish you c-could, too."

James sighed and looked out at the passing cars, some honking at them. He hated to see Logan cry so hard, and he especially hated it when Logan screamed at him, seemingly afraid of him.

"He can't hurt you anymore, Logie," James said. "Even if he came out here right now, I'd beat the living snot outta him. I'll never let him touch you again."

"H-he's my Boogie-M-Man," Logan sobbed.

Nobody spoke for a long time while James waited for Logan to calm down, his nose in Logan's hair and his arm rubbing his back. Logan's shaking was subsiding and his sobs had stopped, only short sniffles now.

Logan pulled away and looked up at James soberly, having exhausted himself from crying.

James offered a little smile as he wiped Logan's cheeks, then dragged a thumb below his nose to collect the snot.

"I had a panic attack. Th-that's what that was," Logan explained. "I-If I wasn't medicated, I would have thrown up or passed out."

"Like the time I tried to kiss you for the first time," James smiled a little.

"Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Don't ever be sorry for something like this."

"I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder," Logan said softly. "I can't help it."

"I know you can't. It's fine."

"And I'm sorry I tried to walk out into traffic. I didn't know what I was doing."

"You're a challenge, but I love you anyway," James smirked, kissing Logan's forehead. "What did he tell you?"

* * *

"Oh my GOSH!" Joanna gasped as Logan shook the record sleeve, a record and a bunch of hundred dollar bills falling out. She looked at Turner in surprise and his brows jumped.

James knelt and helped to shake the sleeves.

"I had no idea," Joanna said incredulously as Turner started to count all the bills.

"You guys should use this for your wedding when you have one," James said cheerfully. Logan smiled a little and nodded, not completely okay with the idea of Joanna remarrying, but he had decided that Turner was okay ENOUGH. He was kneeling on the dusty floor, James on the other side of the box, also kneeling.

"No, no, Logan should use it to help pay for school. Medical education isn't cheap," Turner said. Logan furrowed his brows and shook his head. That would be like his father paying for his college- that's WAY too much of a fatherly thing to think about. He didn't want that.

"Or we could save it for Logie's wedding," Joanna proposed, shooting James a look and making him smirk. "Or put it in the bank to collect interest, and use it for his first house. Or for his babies!"

"Mom," Logan laughed, shaking his head. He hated talking in front of Turner, and he rarely ever did, but sometimes things were important to say.

"We don't need it, Joanna. I have money. You take it."

"We'll put it in the bank for when something comes up," Joanna compromised. "Everyone okay with that?"

Everyone nodded in agreement as Turner confirmed all 8,500 dollars. It really wasn't much- not enough for a house or for college payments, but it was a fair amount.

Logan couldn't believe that Joanna was already thinking about his wedding and his first home and his future children. She seemed to be so sure that he and James would go through all that together.

Well, James HAD experienced Logan at his worst that day and helped him down from it. Actually, come to think of it, James had been through a heck of a lot with Logan for the short amount of time they had been together. Maybe they could face anything now.

* * *

**I loved this chapter so much. :D I just like really emotional scenes. **


	17. Logan's Reactions To Life

James entered the bedroom late one night and smiled to himself.

Logan was sitting against the headboard, laptop in his lap and notebooks and textbooks all around him, head back and eyes closed. Quiet snores escaped his open mouth.

James went and took the computer, saving the long essay Logan was writing and making sure everything else was saved and secure before turning the computer off. He put notebooks in textbooks and onto the floor before picking Logan up and startling him awake.

James was afraid that now that Logan was awake he would stay awake and keep working. Logan hadn't slept much in the two weeks that school had been in session- homework was given out the very first day. Logan was also taking a crazy difficult English class that he ALWAYS had a paper in, which stressed him out a lot. His anxiety wasn't helping much- he was always so nervous about homework, he was a wreck.

"Where's my stuff?" he asked in a panic, looking around.

"It's fine- you need to sleep," James murmured, laying his boyfriend on the bed and pulling the blankets over him.

"No I need to finish that report," Logan said, spotting his computer and trying to get up.

"You can pick it up tomorrow."

"You saved it, right?"

"I saved everything."

"What time is it?"

"Midnight."

Logan was surprised that he had been asleep for two hours. He just meant to rest his eyes, trying to think of how to word the next sentence. He guessed he fell asleep after that.

He looked up at his boyfriend, who was clad in his "Brooke Diamond Cosmetics" light blue polo and khakis.

"How was work?" he asked, lying back down as James started to take off his sweaty clothes. James had started working at his mother's home office just ten minutes away from their apartment. He did everything from labeling boxes to be shipped to taking calls to stocking shelves in the store up front. There weren't many people working there, so it wasn't hard for him to be squeezed in when he asked Mommy for a job.

"Horrible."

"You know, the money doesn't really matter. You should quit."

"The money DOES matter. We have to pay rent somehow, and get food and pay the bills."

Logan sighed and rubbed his face.

"You've worked there for a week and you already hate it," Logan pointed out as James turned out the lights.

"I'm thinking it'll get better," James reasoned as he slumped into the bed in only boxers. "And it's not as bad as I make it out to be."

"Did you get the house cleaned up?" Logan asked. James had gotten home late the past few nights because he had been putting finishing touches on his old house to be sold- cleaning it and moving things out.

"Probably need another day."

"Sorry I didn't go."

"It's okay- you're busy. I had Los anyway," James said reassuringly. "How was school?"

"Stressful."

"You have tomorrow off."

"To start editing my report."

"I wish you would go out with Los or something. Just for lunch- get outta the house for a while," James pleaded.

"We're going to dinner tomorrow with Mom, I'll see him there."

* * *

"My report's due Monday- I should be editing," Logan said irritably as he, James, Carlos (who had become part of the family), Turner, and Darla sat at the fancy restaurant the next night.

"I thought you were done," James said, looking the menu over.

"I just want to look over it again."

"Babe, your anxiety's skyrocketing since school started," James said smartly.

"I can't help it."

"You edited that damn paper at least three times. You don't need to go for four," James reasoned. "I think you should send it in tonight just to be done."

"I know there's still mistakes."

"There aren't. I read through it, too."

"But-"

"Logie."

Logan sighed and put his menu down, looking across the table at Darla, who was innocently talking to his mom and Turner. He turned to say something to Carlos, but stopped when he saw Carlos, head in his hand, staring dreamily at Darla.

Logan punched Carlos under the table, making him jump.

"I told you-"

"I know you told me. But she's still hot," Carlos whispered.

"I don't think so."

"Of course YOU don't. She's like your step sister. AND you're Team Hotdog."

Logan giggled and rolled his eyes.

"I'm telling you, Los. She's trouble."

Darla's eyes averted from the conversation between her dad and Joanna to look at Carlos, biting her lip and winking. Carlos beamed, but Logan leaned into her sight.

"Sit on this," Logan mouthed flipped her the bird. "Fucking whore."

"Calm your butt, baby," James whispered, squeezing Logan's knee beneath the tableclothed table.

"I'm serious, Los," Logan warned.

"I'm not gonna do anything!" Carlos hissed. "I know all about what she has and everything! Jesus! Puto gilipollas."

"Stop going Spanish you know I don't understand you," Logan growled.

"That's the point."

"Just pop him in the nose, Los, he's grumpy as all hell," James said, leaning forward to talk over Logan.

"Am not," Logan retorted.

The table ordered and the attention was turned on Logan and James.

"So, baby, how's school going?" Joanna asked her son, having not seen much of him since school started.

"Stressful," Logan grumbled

"And his anxiety problems aren't helping anything," James added. "He's so worried about every little thing nowadays."

"Jame," Logan hissed. "Shut UP!"

"And it leaves him in crap moods," Carlos said in mock cheerfulness.

"Logan? Do you need a higher dosage?"

"No, MOM, I don't. I'm already overdosing on that crap, I don't need more."

"Logan!" James hissed, shoving his boyfriend's shoulder. "C'mon. We're going to the bathroom and you're gonna be less mean."

"Thank GOD," Carlos retorted as James pulled Logan up and away.

"Be quick, we have to talk," Joanna said to Logan.

* * *

There was nobody in the fancy bathroom when the couple entered and James pinning Logan against the sink. Logan looked up at his boyfriend boredly.

"You know, I had plans for you tonight, but now I'm not so sure," James said casually, getting Logan's attention.

"What plans?" Logan asked, demeanor changing completely.

"Well," James whispered in Logan's ear. "We were gonna play doctor."

Lust pounded at Logan's stomach and up his throat at the words tumbling from those perfect lips, the smell of this perfect man, that perfect crotch pressed to his lower stomach.

"You were gonna give me a THOROUGH examination."

"Mm-hm?"

"You might have to give me an injection," James whispered, voice low and sexy.

"Fuck, baby…"

"That's the plan."

Logan backed away a little to look up at James.

"So just be nice tonight," James murmured.

Logan got to his toes to kiss his boyfriend, but James backed away.

"Save it, tiger," he winked, pulling Logan away.

They got back to the table, where everyone was starting on dessert. Carlos wasn't even paying attention to Darla at this point- he was too into his chocolate lava cake to care about her.

"Better?" Turner asked up to Logan. He nodded a little as he and James sat, James going completely back to his parent-charming ways instead of the devious and seductive ones he had been in a second ago.

"Good. Everyone's back," Joanna said excitedly as Logan poked a fork into his lava cake, James doing the same to his little strawberry cheesecake. "We have an announcement."

Everyone looked up, Logan taking a bite of his cake as his mother looked excitedly to Turner.

"We're getting married," she said excitedly to the table.

Shock sent Logan inhaling chocolate cake, covering his mouth with his napkin and coughing furiously.

"Yay! I love weddings!" Darla said excitedly.

"Congrats, Mama M!" Carlos said enthusiastically. "Oh, and Turner, too."

"Cough it up," James said to his boyfriend, patting his back, trying not to make a scene in the middle of the nice restaurant.

Finally Logan was able to breathe and he stared at his mother.

"Married?" he hissed, wanting to scream, but being unable to because of the environment.

"Isn't that GREAT, Loge?" James asked through his smile, elbowing him.

"No!"

"Logan!" Carlos hissed. Joanna's smile fell and she and her son just stared at one another.

"Um… I mean…" Logan paused, not wanting to lie and say that he was happy for them, but not wanting to hurt her feelings, either. He liked Turner as his mother's boyfriend. But NOT as a step-father. Fathers of any type hurt Joanna and he didn't like that. And Turner was crazy tall- he didn't know that he could protect his mom if anything happened.

"It's okay, Joanna. I wouldn't expect him to accept it quickly," Turner said soothingly to his fiancé. "Especially considering what he's been through with his past father."

"Yeah," James said, trying to save Logan. "It'll take a minute, but in the end he just wants YOU to be happy, Joanna. He's just scared- damaged goods."

"I'm not GROCERIES, James," Logan hissed angrily, getting up.

"So much for not making a scene," Carlos sang.

"This is great, Mom, I'm glad that you're happy. Don't worry about what I think," Logan said to his mother, pushing his chair in. "I just need to digest this. I love you, bye."

James watched as Logan wove through waiters and tables toward the door.

"I guess that's our cue, Los," James said nervously, getting up. He tossed a fifty in the center of the table and nodded to Turner. "I hope that helps a little- that's all the cash I have."

Before Turner could refuse, James was bending and hugging Joanna from behind the chair, kissing her cheek.

"I'm so happy for you guys and I know Logan'll come around. Can't wait to hear some plans," he said before shaking Turner's hand and hurrying away, Carlos on his tail.

* * *

"That's great, Mom!" James mocked from behind the wheel. "When did this happen? Can I see the ring? Do you have any plans yet?"

"None of those would even be appropriate coming from my mouth," Logan grumbled from the passenger seat.

"ANYTHING but choking on your dessert and going 'MARRIED?' would do," James lectured. "You hurt her feelings!"

"I'm her SON, Jame, she understands where I'm coming from."

"Guys, they were EXPECTING Logie to react bad. Of COURSE he did- his last dad almost killed him! What the hell would they expect if not that?" Carlos reasoned. "Plus he's super protective of her, so he's worried about that, too."

"Stay out, Los," James growled.

"No, he makes a valid point," Logan retorted.

"I'm not FIGHTING you on this, Logan," James said precisely.

"Really? This seems like fighting," Logan smarted.

"I'm LECTURING. This isn't me being mad at you, because I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm just making sure you know that you fucked up."

"Mm-hm," Logan grumbled. "Mom and I are really close- which is exactly why she knows I didn't mean to hurt her and that we'll talk about it later. Don't worry about it."

"Well how are YOU in all this?" Carlos said, leaning in to look at Logan.

"I'm glad she's happy and I like Turner, but it's hard to accept a new dad into your life after your other one pretty much killed you," Logan said softly, liking that Carlos was talking about his FEELINGS instead of ACTIONS.

"He doesn't have to be your dad," James reasoned. "They're not expecting an 18-year-old boy to call his stepdad 'Dad' or anything. Just like they're not expecting Darla to call Joanna 'Mom'."

"And I won't live with them. What if he hurts her?"

Carlos was silent, turning his head to look at James for answers.

"Turner wouldn't do that," James reasoned. "He's crazy religious and crazy sweet and crazy in love with your mom. And he knows what SHE'S been through, too."

"It's not that easy to just let go of something like this," Carlos said understandingly. "When my dog died, when I was 10, I thought that he was sick and died when I was at school. Turns out, he was hit by a car. But that didn't matter to me- bottom line was that the dog was dead, and I couldn't get over that for a while."

"Except I'm not Baby Los and my mom's engagement isn't a dog," Logan smirked a little.

"But it's the same concept."

"I'll go over to her house after school tomorrow," Logan negotiated.

* * *

"Can we still play doctor?" Logan asked innocently as James stood at the dresser and stuffed his jeans into a drawer. He smirked as he felt cold hands on his back, creating goosebumps.

He turned and bit his lip Logan taking it as a yes.

James gasped as Logan's cool hand entered his pants, his lips warm and seductive on his bare collarbone.

"Why is this so easy for you?" James breathed as Logan lightly gripped and slid up and down. "Jesus, Loge, I'm like a light switch around you."

"You already told me we were gonna play doctor," Logan whispered, kissing James' neck, breath driving James nuts on his skin. "And I've been waiting too damn long for this."

"Yeah? Can't take it anymore?"

"Honestly," Logan whispered, hand working in James' pants as his lips brushed his neck. "I sorta forgot about it with school. This is your fault for reminding me."

"My fault?" James snorted.

"Don't question the doctor," Logan smirked.

James hummed, head falling back against the wall, eyes closing. He felt his pants and boxers drop to the floor.

"Definitely LOOKS good," Logan said getting to his knees, loving that James was putty in his hands. "How does it TASTE?"

James let out a grunt through clenched teeth as he entered a hot, moist mouth. His eyes opened to see Logan looked up at him with innocent black eyes as his head bobbed. Suddenly he started seeing stars.

"L-Loge, I'm going down," he said weakly, knees starting to give out. Dammit! Why did Logan always do this to him? Logan's mouth came away with a pop and he pulled him to the bed, laying him on it with his feet bent over the side.

"Oh, I don't think so," he said, determined for it to happen this time- James was NOT going to faint. But now he saw exactly WHY it happened- James was huge, of course it needed a lot of blood.

Logan pulled James' feet up to rest on one of his shoulders, watching James blink up at the ceiling, trying to recuperate.

James could feel his fingertips go hyper-sensitive his hands go clammy, his ears fill with cotton.

"C'mon, baby, get through this for me," Logan pleaded.

"It's not a choice," James retorted. "You're too sexy!"

Logan smirked and let go of James' legs to go and turn out the lights.

"Shit. I passed out," James said through the darkness.

"Maybe you should see a doctor for this," Logan said finding his way back to the bed and repositioning James to have his head on the pillow.

"I AM seeing a doctor. Right now."

Logan giggled and reached into the bedside drawer for the lubricant he had bought their first day of dating.

"Are you better yet?" he asked, setting on his knees between James' legs and holding his ankles up on his shoulders again.

"I don't think it matters," James laughed a little. "You're gonna do what you want whether I'm conscious or not."

"True."

* * *

James collapsed forward onto Logan, their bare and sweaty chests heaving together.

"That was fun," Logan breathed with a goofy grin.

"You lasted longer than most virgins," James noted, carefully pulling himself out and plopping down beside his sweaty boyfriend. They had started off the other way around, but they switched after a while. They thought they would be able to get another switch in, but James overestimated Logan a little too much.

They were silent for a while, the dark room hushed except the slowing and quieting breaths coming from the two.

"Can we go again?" Logan finally asked, sending James into fits of laughter.

"Soon."

"I half expected you to have a tramp-stamp that said 'Patrick' or something," Logan giggled. Actually, he had checked for it through the moonlight, as discretely as possible, and was a little sad that the skin on James' lower-back was bare. Maybe it would have been kinda hot if there was a tattoo there. Well, not if it said "Patrick".

"I thought about getting ink when I turned 18, but Patrick talked me out of it. Even though he had a few tattoos, he didn't want ME to have one," James smirked. "I guess it's good- I would have regretted it."

"I'm all sticky now."

James giggled and shook his head.

"Most couples lay in each other's arms and whisper sweet nothings in each other's ears," he said.

"We can do that. I'm just telling you, I'm sticky."

"You're a mood killer."

"How about we whisper sweet nothings to each other in the shower?" Logan suggested. "Then sleep in your bed, where it's clean."

"You're no fun."

"I'm sorry I don't like being sticky."

James laughed and rolled out of bed, taking Logan's hand and pulling him to the bathroom.


	18. The Beach

Logan sat back in the sand, hipster sunglasses over his closed eyes, enjoying the hot sun warming his skin. The sound of the waves and James and Carlos playing out in the water seemed to calm him, take away the stresses of the wedding the next day.

He had requested two full weeks of just being left alone and not pestered by James, Carlos, or Joanna before the end of school. With those two weeks, he was able to study and write final reports and pass all his classes with a B average. Now he had no worries other than the beach wedding the next day.

Logan opened his eyes and saw James and Carlos near the shore, laughing and throwing a football in the midst of other visitors to the Florida destination.

James, Logan noted, looked sexy as all hell in his mirrored Aviators, his hair wet and pushed back, his turquoise trunks complimenting his tan skin. Logan wondered how their relationship had lasted almost a year. Since school started, Logan had almost completely gone to his old nervous and mute ways, and most of what he said was angry. Yet still James had stuck with him with only a few threats of taking Logan to the hospital, one of which got so far as parking in the hospital parking lot, and a few threats to break up with him.

And Carlos, jeez, that guy had been a loyal friend. He was wearing a flatbill hat now, with obnoxious Hawaiian flowered trunks. He had, in fact, stayed away from Darla, listening to his friends. Even when Logan yelled at him and when James came to his apartment crying because of Logan, Carlos was loyal and neutral, seeing both sides of everything.

James and Logan's anniversary was coming up the next month and James was sure Logan would propose then. Little did he know, Logan had plans for that very night.

After a while, James came jogging up to Logan, plopping down in the sand.

"Los ditch you?" Logan smirked, watching Carlos with the football in his hands, flirting up some girls.

"Yeah," James sighed, taking a swig from his water bottle. "What're you doing?"

"Just watching," Logan grinned.

"Watching what?"

"I dunno. People, birds, waves, YOU."

"Like what you see?" James smirked, cocking a brow.

"I was thinking we could go out tonight and celebrate our anniversary early," Logan proposed. "We could go to a beach restaurant."

"Should we kick Los outta the suite?" James asked excitedly. He was really bummed that they had to share a suite with Carlos, even if they got separate bedrooms. Although Carlos had heard them in the bedroom on accident a few times, James hated the idea of him being near when it happened.

"Honestly, I think he'll find another place to go to tonight," Logan smirked, nodding to Carlos still charming the ladies.

* * *

"Is that what it sounds like when, like, bones crack?" James asked, watching Logan snap open a crab leg. James didn't like seafood, but Logan insisted he try some fresh crabmeat.

"Kinda," Logan nodded, holding the floppy white meat up for his boyfriend, who took it and ate it in one bite. He made a disgusted face, making Logan laugh. "How do you not like crab? It's the best!"

"I told you I don't like ANY sea food. I'll stick with my chicken fingers."

James was glad to see Logan lighten up again. Now that school was over, he was stress-free. James loved the way Logan smiled, looking out over the ocean so close to them, the warm breeze rustling his hair in the dim light of the restaurant porch.

"Are you excited for the wedding?" Logan asked.

"I love weddings," James said happily. "Mainly because I get to dress snazzy and drink champagne under-aged."

"We get front-row seats."

"How are you feeling about it?"

"Okay, I guess," Logan shrugged. "Not anything I can do now but sit and watch."

"Turner's a good guy- he'll take care of her," James reminded his boyfriend.

"But I'm not stressing while I'm here," Logan said with finality. "I'm keeping calm and having fun."

"That's what I like to hear."

"Can we go walking on the beach?" Logan asked, feeling the silver ring burning in his pocket to be on James' finger.

"Can we look for hermit crabs on the shore?" James beamed.

"Well duh," Logan grinned.

* * *

"They come out for food at night," Logan explained as James held the little crab in his hand, marveling at it.

"It's pinching my hand," James beamed.

"Does it hurt?"

"Kinda."

"Well but it back."

"We have to name it first."

"His name is…" Logan started to think.

"Fernando."

"What?" Logan laughed, but James was already bending to put the little crab back on the sand.

"Be free Fernando!" James said dramatically. "I'll miss you!"

"You're a goofball," Logan smirked, going to stand at the shoreline and let the waves wash over his bare feet. Every time the water pulled back, it took the sand from around his feet.

"It's this temperature here like all year round," James noted as he joined his boyfriend. "Could you imagine Minnesota being the winter temp all year?"

"I'd move," Logan smirked.

James smiled and looked at the water glittering in the moonlight. The beach was so calm at night, free of most visitors, save the romantic couples out for a walk and a few kids out looking for crabs.

"Would you want a wedding somewhere like this? Or in a church?" he asked, looking over at the tranquil Logan.

"I've always imagined getting married at home in a church."

"Is it legal in Minnesota?" James asked, trying to remember.

"Yup."

"I think I like destination weddings better."

"I hear a lot of gay couples do it at Niagara Falls. Have you been there?" Logan asked.

"No, have you?"

"No. Maybe we'll go sometime soon," Logan smiled.

"We could get married in Vegas," James giggled.

"Right."

"Is it legal here in Florida?"

"Maybe."

"What about California and Hawaii?"

"We'll have to see," Logan noted. "You want a beach wedding?"

"I'll have to see what it's like tomorrow," James shrugged. "But I love the beach."

"Me, too."

Logan wasn't sure what got James on the topic of weddings. Did he know about Logan's plans? Was HE trying to propose? Or was it just innocent conversation?

"What made you think of weddings?" he asked.

"I dunno, I was just thinking about tomorrow, I guess."

"And you're thinking about marrying ME, right?" Logan smirked.

"Ew! No way!" James smiled, making Logan roll his eyes and laugh. "Of course. When the time's right."

Logan was suddenly not so sure of himself. Did James not think that the time was right now? Would he even say yes? Logan hadn't even thought of what would happen if he said no.

"Well I guess I mean when YOU'RE ready," James said thoughtfully, reading Logan's mind.

"So this is all on MY shoulders, then?" Logan laughed. "Great."

"I know you've got school and stuff, and I don't really have anything holding me back."

"And what makes you so sure I want to marry you?" Logan asked teasingly, stepping deeper into the warm water so that he was ankle-deep. He turned to look at James, reaching out for his hands and holding them, James stepping close.

"Cause I give you hugs and kisses and I deal with your shit and I make a great fuck," James said softly, lifting their hands to press their palms together and lace their fingers. "And because you love me and I love you. And if you didn't want to marry me, you woulda dumped my ass back when school started."

"Some couples date for their whole lives and never get married."

"If that's what you want, fine," James shrugged. "But there's no guarantee I won't run off with Los."

"Oh, I guess I better put a ring on it, then," Logan grinned, the smile making James beam.

"I missed this part of you. I haven't seen this for a while," he noted.

"You probably forgot what the real me is like, didn't you?" Logan teased.

"A little."

James smiled and kissed his boyfriend, missing intimate moments like these that Logan's stress took away from them.

"I love you," he whispered against Logan's lips, so quietly he wasn't sure it was audible over the waves.

"I love you," Logan said, James still unsure if he even heard. "I got you something."

"A present?" James beamed, making Logan grin as he reached into his pocket. "But I didn't get YOU anything. I need at least a day's notice before you give me something."

Logan grinned and rolled his eyes.

"That's okay, baby," he said, and their eyes dropped to Logan's hand as he opened it. A little silver ring glinted in the moonlight, making James grin, completely oblivious to the reason behind it.

His smile faded into confusion as Logan dropped to his knee, the seam of his shorts barely clear of the water, as Logan held the ring in his fingers.

"Will you marry me, Jame?" he asked with a lopsided smile. James' grin returned in realization and he dropped to his knees to grab Logan's face to smoosh their lips together.

"Yes, yes, yes, YES," he said between kisses, making Logan laugh, but James continued kissing his face. "Put it on me!"

Their faces dropped and James' left hand stretched out palm-down. Logan went to slip the ring on the appropriate finger, but it tumbled from his grip.

"NO!" James squeaked as the ring plopped into the water. He didn't know that it only cost 75 dollars, he only knew that his Logie had bought it for him and it symbolized their love.

Their hands dove into the water before the current could take the ring away, grabbing handfuls of sand.

"Did you get it?" Logan asked, the sand in his hands being empty. James hurriedly squeezed the sand in his hands and let out a sigh of relief when he felt it.

"Got it," he said in relief as Logan picked it out of the grit with a little laugh. He carefully rinsed it off in the water and took James' left hand, VERY carefully putting it on the appropriate finger.

"It's a little snug," Logan said in worry when he had to twist it at the knuckle to get it all the way down.

"Good, it never has to come off anyway," James said happily, pulled Logan to him.

* * *

"Mommy?" James said happily over the phone a while later, he and Logan sitting in the sand on the beach. "I'm getting married! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah it's so pretty and shiny. I know! Me, too!"

Logan laughed and laid his cheek on James' shoulder, loving how excited James was. For a while he had imagined James proposing to HIM when it was time, but then he realized that James was imagining it the other way around. Of course, he would do anything to make James happy.

He was glad that James was okay with such a simple ring- it was all Logan could afford at the time. Once he became a doctor with loads of money, he would get any ring James pleased.

He wanted to tell his own mom, but figured he should let her sleep for now- her wedding was the next day, she needed it. He would tell her the next day. Would it be bad to get her excited about it before the wedding? Should he wait until the reception? Well, by the reception, James will have told EVERYONE. He should tell her before the wedding. She would be so happy.

Finally James hung up the phone and sighed, falling back into the sand. Logan smiled and straddled his new fiancé.

"I'm not even twenty yet," James noted as Logan's hands rubbed up his chest, to his shoulders, and back down.

"Oh…"

"My parents got married when my mom was 17 and my dad was 32," James said, seeing that Logan thought that he was doubting things because of age.

"Your dad was older? Your mom doesn't seem the type to marry so young." Logan asked. "Interesting."

"Fifteen years," James smirked. "Mom was a bit of a gold-digger, but she CLAIMS she loved him. He'd be almost 60 if he was around. With a 19-year-old son."

"I see where you get your gold-digging ways, then," Logan teased.

"It's all an act," James said in mock confession. "I'll endure these days when you're broke and in college, but I'm just waiting till you're a filthy rich and sexy doctor so I can take all your money."

"Just as I thought."

"To be fair, you're gold-digging now, soooo…"

"I only love you for your mom's money," Logan smirked, rolling his eyes.

* * *

Logan decided too late that maybe a night of sex wasn't a good thing before his mother's wedding. He was really sore.

She was getting ready in his suite, and now he was zipping up the back of her ankle-length white dress with meticulous fingers. His grandmother was there with his two aunts, his mom's friends, some of his cousins, James, and Carlos.

Logan glanced over at James, who was about to bust out in song about how he and Logan were engaged. He sighed happily, knowing he should put him out of his misery already.

"I have big news, Mom," Logan said, looking up at her through the mirror.

"Should I hear before or after the wedding?" she asked, turning to him.

"After, but James can't hold it that long," Logan smirked.

"Tell me," she said excitedly, already having an idea of what the news was.

"I'm getting married, Mom," Logan said with a little smile. Joanna basically screamed in excitement, throwing her arms around her son. He heard James already telling his aunts and grandma all about the proposal and showing them the ring and just ranting on and on.

"We have to start planning! ASAP!" Joanna said.

"Let's worry about THIS wedding first," Logan laughed.

"Right."

* * *

James barely kept quiet during the ceremony before he kept ranting on at the reception. Logan laughed and listened to the crazy ideas that James had conjured up in his silence. An underwater wedding? A wedding atop a mountain? On a pirate ship? Skydiving? Could they have Carlos marry them? Oh, but Carlos should be a best man! WHOSE best man, though?

"Sorry, baby, I'm not including you in any of this," James said at the reception on the beach. He and Carlos were illegally tossing pieces of bread from his mini sandwich to the seagulls, despite Logan's scolds.

"I'm just enjoying hearing all your crazy ideas," Logan laughed, rolling his eyes.

"NOT crazy. Good."

"Getting married while skydiving? Yeah," Logan smirked good-naturedly.

"I guess I'll cross THAT one off my list," James grumbled, but smiled a little and winked.

"I think we should just travel the country in search for the best place to have the wedding," Carlos suggested. "Like Niagara Falls and stuff."

"Why not just a simple outdoors fall wedding at home?" Logan asked.

"Okaaaay," James smirked. "Not fun, but I'll take note."

"Hmmm, wonder who's gonna be the bridezilla here?" Carlos asked Logan sarcastically.

"Hey! I consider his suggestions. Doesn't mean I LIKE them or will USE them, but I listen," James said smartly.

* * *

**Sorry this chapter took so long, I started like 7 different ideas before writing this and getting it done in 2 days. I think the next one will be the last one, but I haven't quite decided, so just assume it will be, and if it's not, then it's a happy surprise. :D**


	19. Eternity

**I decided this is the last chapter. It's a great one, though! :)**

* * *

Logan's eyes wondered around the crowd in the pews, seeing some relatives he knew, some he didn't know, and some that were James' but would soon be his own.

"PST!"

Logan's head slowly turned to Carlos at the other side of the altar, where he would be James' best man. He flashed a cheesy grin and thumbs up against his chest before the next song started and all attention turned to the opening church doors.

Logan's heart exploded with anticipation.

Bright spring light and a slight breeze flowed into the little church as James and his mother stood in the doorway.

Logan physically felt the air rush from his lungs as the silhouette of his soon-to-be-husband turned to an image. A grinning image of a well-groomed man in a white tuxedo and blue tie, with his mother on his arm, making eye contact with nearly every guest staring at him like he was the beautiful bride in a princess gown.

Logan heard Carlos let out a low whistle and he couldn't have said it better himself.

What the guests and James' mother saw, but not Logan or anyone else at the altar, was that James was shaking like a cat in water.

He was so nervous- he didn't know what to expect and didn't know that everything would be perfect or if Logan would like the way he looked or that he wouldn't throw up EVERYWHERE once he got to the altar. He also hadn't eaten anything all day, so that didn't help anything.

Once he finally allowed himself to look at his groom, his nerves seemed to ease a little. His Logie was standing up there, hands clasped in front of him, looking like a handsome devil in his black tuxedo, hair made and neat, a grin showing off his dimples.

Logan was finally allowed to descend the stairs to the altar and take his groom's hand, giggling when he felt James' shaking fingers.

"Sorry. At least I'm not sweating," James offered as Logan led him up the stairs. It was true- James' hands were soft and freezing cold.

They stood in their places and clasped hands, facing one another, Logan's hands steady as a rock holding James'. He was glad that at least James looked happy to be there and not a nervous, regretful wreck.

Finally, it was time to say their vows. They agreed- nothing too lengthy.

James held his little crumpled piece of paper in slightly shaky fingers, his voice matching them.

"I guess most people would start off with something about how we met," he said, not really looking at the paper but getting lost in Logan's eyes. "But I don't want to think about that nightmare of a place on such a happy day. Logan, you saved my life. You pulled me out of the darkest time of my life and I don't think I would have let myself survive it if you didn't make me. You cured the deepest of my issues just by telling me that you think I'm beautiful. I remember not being so sure about you. You were just adorable when you were so shy and nervous, but then you got spunky and foxy and I didn't think you were into me anymore. I'm glad you were, though. We've been through extreme highs and the lowest lows and I'm glad you of all the people in the world are the one."

Logan grinned and bit his lip, rolling his eyes at himself and blinking away tears, making James let out a choked laugh.

"Well… I left my paper in the bathroom and I'm sure someone'll find it," Logan laughed a little, making the audience giggle. They didn't know that he would have been WAY late if his mom didn't show up to his apartment that morning to light a fire under his butt, knowing her son too well. "But I guess I shouldn't need a paper to tell me how I feel, right? I remember that day at the hospital when we had to partner up and we were together. You told me you liked my shirt and somehow, some way, you got to know a lot about me. I was about to puke that day. Then you tried to kiss me and I DID puke, then I passed out and hit my head. The point is, from day one you've completely understood me. You got me when I was shy and nervous. You got me when my meds stopped working and I started going off the deep end. You got me when all I wanted was for you to touch me and kiss me. And every time I yell at you for no reason, you take it like such a champ," Logan laughed, looking down at their hands and returning his eyes to James' with tears in them. "And I know, whatever, Logan's crying. But really, I think you saved my life, too, and that's a huge debt I guess we get the rest of our lives trying to repay each other."

James laughed, getting huge satisfaction out of Logan crying instead of him.

* * *

"Why would you choose spaghetti as our meal?" Logan smirked, staring hard at the little red stain on James' white jacket and scraping at it with his fingernail.

"We love spaghetti," James pouted.

"I know, honey, and it was delicious, but maybe you should have worn a bib," Logan laughed. "Or not gotten a white tux."

"But I love my white tux!"

"I love it, too. You look very sexy," Logan grinned. "But you're a mess."

James' lips twisted and his brows knitted together. Was Logan not happy with the wedding? James tried hard to make it something that Logan would enjoy, too.

"But I love everything about today," Logan said quickly, not wanting to make James think that he didn't appreciate all the hard work James and their mothers and Carlos had put into planning this. Of course, Logan was partly associated. He went to taste cake and fit tuxedos and find decorations for the reception and such, but his opinion wasn't hugely considered. "You did an amazing job."

"Do you know how hard it was to find cake toppers that looked like us?"

"You FOUND those? Wow. What're the odds?" Logan looked across the dim area to the tall white cake with the little clay men on them, one tall with brown hair, one shorter with darker hair and dimples.

"No, my aunt had to make them," James huffed.

"I'm not saying anything negative about this wedding. It's perfect," Logan smiled up to his new husband. "Are YOU having fun?"

"I'm having a blast," James beamed, completely dropping his bad mood. "It's like I'm a princess or something. And everyone's giving me hugs- even STRANGERS- and my opinion matters with EVERYTHING and I already have three dance partners reserved. I think one's your cousin or something- she's like twenty- and then the other is your aunt, and then my grandma, of course."

Logan wasn't quite enjoying the attention like James was. Of course he got a lot of it, and a few people had already asked him to dance when the dancing started. He had talked to his therapist about his worries- he didn't want close-quarters with people when they danced and he HATED when people hugged him. The therapist basically told him to enjoy it- all the eyes were on him for a while and maybe he was looking at it the wrong way.

"I'm happy if you're happy," he smiled as James kissed him. They hadn't really gotten a lot of time together except dinner, and even then people were coming to talk to them. James was loving the attention, but Logan really just wanted to be alone with his new husband, and he was getting that, even for just a minute in the corner of the room.

"Guys!" Carlos interrupted, hauling someone behind him as they broke the kiss. "Look who came!"

A tall blonde slowly caught up to Carlos, yellowy green eyes on the grooms. It took them a second to register that it was Kendall standing there- he looked so different. His hair was cut short and there was a little more color in his cheeks, which were less hollow.

"Kendall?" Logan retorted.

"I got an invitation, I didn't know if I was actually welcome," Kendall said flatly.

"Of course you're welcome," James interrupted before Logan could say anything. "We just didn't expect you to show- you didn't RSVP."

"Yeah," Logan said. "Join the party. You missed dinner, though."

"Bummer."

"So… What've you been doing in the past year?" James asked, still confused that Kendall had showed up at all. They sent the invitation to the address his mother had on the internet, so they assumed it was her house and she would give it to him.

"You know, being crazy."

"Obviously not TOO crazy- you're outta the hospital."

"I was put on meds- against my will, I might add. They said I was a danger without them. So I guess I'm LESS crazy. I've just been dicking around since I last saw you guys, being a zombie," Kendall shrugged, voice ever-flat and apathetic, but he didn't seem angry or defensive.

"You look different," Logan noted.

"Just a hair cut," Kendall shrugged.

"You just seem… Happier."

"I'm having a baby. That's why."

"I don't think that's possible, bud," Carlos giggled.

"I mean Jo's having a baby," Kendall smiled a little, just enough to show dimples that none of them had ever seen before.

"You're engaged? Married? I thought you were dumping her," Carlos said.

"She got out WAY before me and helped me out a lot. We're not engaged or anything, because we're both paranoid that the other is trying to get our money," Kendall grinned sheepishly. "But yeah, we're having a baby. He's coming in a few months- his name will be Alexander Donald."

"Congrats, man!" James beamed.

"Yeah, you too," Kendall smiled a little. "I gotta admit, I never expected this. I guess sometimes I forget that gay people have lives, too."

Suddenly the DJ came over the speakers, saying it was time for the first dance.

"Sorry, man, we'll catch you later," James said to Kendall, starting to pull Logan away. "We have somewhere to be."

* * *

Cameras flashed around the dance floor as the grooms started to dance. The disco ball swirled slowly as "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith played. It was one of the few things that Logan had picked that James happened to like a lot and kept in the plans.

"Are you nervous?" James asked. It was a normal question for James to ask, basically questioning if Logan was feeling anxious.

"A little. I don't like everyone looking at me."

"Luckily all eyes are on ME," James grinned playfully.

"And soon everyone's gonna dance with me, and hug me, and I don't like that. We'll probably get separated, then what?"

"Then you'll be fine. Baby, this is our WEDDING day- you can't be scared. You only get ONE wedding night- hopefully- and I want you to enjoy yourself and have FUN. I tried to consider your anxiety- I made sure not to plan anything to put you on the spot."

Logan sighed, knowing that James was right.

James' heart fluttered, realizing that this beautiful little man, looking up at him with ever-worried eyes, was his HUSBAND. He wanted to just hold Logan forever with no interruptions and kiss his cute little face and smell his hair and make him smile.

"After tonight, Mom's gonna know we had sex," Logan sighed, focused on ONLY James, afraid that he might pass out or something if he looked at the crowd watching them.

"So what?" James smirked. "I think she already assumes. We've been together for two years."

"But she'll KNOW."

"I told my mommy when we did it the first time," James shrugged.

"James!"

"Love you," James sang, making Logan grin and the camera flashes go crazy to catch the moment where both men were grinning at each other.

"I love you more," Logan smiled.

"Impossible."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. If I didn't love you most, I wouldn't have gotten the top layer of our cake to be red velvet."

"Awe! You did?"

"It's DISGUSTING, but you liked it. Sooo…"

"You're the sweetest," Logan melted. "And this wedding is perfection."

"Yeah? You're having fun?"

"Of course. But I'll have even more fun tonight," Logan said deviously. They were going to the city that had the airport, which was an hour away, and staying at a hotel before flying to Hawaii the next afternoon.

James wiggled his brows, also excited for that night.

"Song's almost over," Logan pouted.

"That doesn't mean anything. We're the stars of the show- we can stand here and dance together the whole night if our young and dumb hearts desire it."

"Can we? Please?"

James grinned and rubbed his nose with Logan's, making camera flashes go wild again.

* * *

Logan, having not drunk much of anything his whole life, was not tolerant at all to the wine and champagne he was allowed, even if he was under-aged by a few months. He didn't drink much- just enough to get him loose.

James giggled, rolling his eyes as he watched his new husband having to time of his life fast-dancing with Carlos. Not very well, at that.

He knew that Joanna had told Logan not to drink- it wouldn't mix well with his meds, but he had had a bit of champagne for the toast and found that he liked it.

"WOO!" Logan yelled over the music, hands in the air. His black jacket was safe at his mom's chair and his tie was loosened as he danced. He wasn't feeling incomprehensive, just LOOSE, and kind of shaky.

He felt hands on his hips and he whirled around to see James.

"Hey, you!" he yelled over the music, glad to see just the man he was missing. He didn't quite understand why a wedding day was the happiest day for a couple in love, and they wanted to just be together for eternity on that day, but the wedding separated them and didn't really let them see one another for a while. He was sure it COULD be different, but James was having a blast being everywhere at once and getting gifts and hugs and congratulations.

"Hey!" James smiled, pulling their hips together to dance with his husband. "Are you supposed to drink with your meds?"

"Nope," Logan smirked.

"Are you gonna DIE? I can't be a widow on the first day," James said uneasily.

"No, I'm just shaky is all," Logan explained, holding his hand level to show it shaking slightly. "Where'd you learn to dance like this?"

"Gay club. Like it?"

"LOVE it! Love YOU!"

"Love you, too," James laughed, Logan's shaky hands coming up to his hair, arms around his neck as their hips swayed.

"I don't want tonight to end," Logan said happily. "But people are already leaving!"

"It's ten, baby, of course they're leaving."

"Can we stay here all night?"

"I don't think you're gonna make it all night, honey," James laughed.

"But we gotta fuck!"

"We've got a whole week to do that."

"But only ONE wedding night!" Logan pouted, using James' words against him.

"That's right, baby. Gonna carry me into the hotel room when we get there like tradition?"

"Hell yeah!" Logan smirked. "I might need some help, though. Like from your legs."

"Is that a fat joke?" James asked in mock defense.

"NO, it's a 'Logan's a scrawny bitch with no upper body strength at all' joke," Logan laughed.

* * *

"Welcome to the Logie-James honeymoon, part one," James said, unlocking the door to the Holiday Inn room and opening the door. Logan, more sober now, entered.

It wasn't the ideal "Diamond Honeymoon Part One" destination, but it was clean and had a bed and bathroom, so it was enough.

"Perfect," he smiled, closing the door behind him.

James hung their tuxedo jackets and Logan's tie in the closet. When he turned, he was surprised to find Logan close by, catching his tie and pulling.

"How's it feel being a Diamond?" James asked, following the pull to bend for Logan to kiss him. They had decided on taking James' name- Logan didn't want them BOTH to be associated with his father.

"Sparkly and valuable."

James giggled and rolled his eyes at his husband.

"You're too cute," James grinned.

"DAAAWE," Logan smirked. "I love you."

"I love YOU," James sang, following as Logan pulled him to the bed by the tie.

* * *

**I hope you loved this ending. :) I really liked this story and I know that you guys did, too. I don't know if anyone could relate to it, but I tried to at least let others experience mental illness that haven't had that, like myself. Not sure how well I did, but thank you nevertheless for all your support and input. :) I'm gonna, as usual, have a new story come out soon. Love ya!**


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